1 Year/The Untold Story

I seriously can't believe that I have been widowed for 1 year! To quote my friend Wid "I have reached 1 year in a club that no one wants to be in." So much has happened in my life since then but when you are approaching your year mark something happens to your brain and it wants to replay everything that you went through leading up to that last moment with the person you love. And let me tell you...it hurts, can sneak up on you anytime and can consume you leaving you numb once again and fighting to get your life back in some kind of order. While I was going through this the memories that stood out to me the most were the memories of our last week, lots happened that week and not many people know the whole story of what we went through the last several years but I feel impressed to share what we went through the last week. Maybe it can help someone, maybe it will shed some light on what an amazing man he was or maybe...just maybe it will help me work through all the guilt, sadness and shock that I feel some days when I look back on that week.

So a quick rundown of what had happened so far: Clint started getting sick with stomach problems in November of 2007, March of 2008 we are told he was anemic and had Ulcerative Colitis, March of 2009 official diagnosis is Stage IV Metastatic Colon Cancer (already spread to the Liver), that same day he started chemo, end of July 2009 we realize chemo is shrinking the tumors outside of the colon but is not touching the liver so we decided to do a surgery that would remove the colon and hopefully get the chemo penetrating the liver so we could get some progress there even though that once the surgery was done he had to wait 6 weeks for chemo again, we did the surgery and find his whole abdomen plus major organs are covered in cancer. He spent 2 weeks in the ICU where he swears he saw angels looking over him at night and 1 week in a regular room then came home. We met with his Oncologist he is pretty worried about him and wants to start chemo the next week so we made an appointment, Clint stops eating and gets admitted back in the hospital and this is where our last week starts...

After he is admitted to the hospital the Doctors have a pow-wow of what to do with him. They decided to hook him up to get some vitamins and minerals and fluids in him. I was extremely worried about the fact that he wasn't eating and he was planning on getting chemo so I talked to the surgeon to try and get him to give him a feeding tube and I was shocked with how our conversation turned out. He basically told me that he refuses to give him a feeding tube because there is no point in prolonging the inevitable. Now I am not a person that does confrontation well but when he said that to me I will admit that I hit my breaking point and went off on the Doctor. I was so upset and went back to Clint's room to talk about what we should do to keep this fight going. He stayed in there for a couple of days and then on the 22nd they discharged him and we went straight to a Chuck Wicks concert, my sister had got us tickets and back stage passes from when she met his bus driver (a really cool story). Clint was in his wheel chair and had the biggest smile, he truly lived life all the way up to the end.

The day after the concert he told me that there was no way that he could do chemo the next day because he didn't feel strong enough. He wanted me to take him to Scottsdale to his Homeopathic Dr for a Vitamin C treatment to boost him for chemo. I said OK (reluctantly) and rescheduled his chemo for the following week and made plans to head to Scottsdale on Thursday. We left early Thursday  morning and went off to see Dr. Ber, and we had so much fun. It was a 3hr treatment and we just sat and talked the whole time. On the way home I wanted a Starbucks frappaccino and I surprised him with a Caramel Apple Cider and he said that was the best thing he had ever tasted. *It is amazing the little things you remember after a year* He was feeling so good, I remember that day being full of fun and laughter.

The next day he was sleeping in the recliner and I was in and out of the house all day running errands and stuff. I didn't think anything about him sleeping all day until that evening when I looked at him and something wasn't right, I could just feel it. I had my sister take the kids away from the house and I called my good friend, Jason Foutz, to let him know that something was wrong with Clint and I didn't know what to do. He raced over to my house with a guy from church with him and they urged me to call Clint's home nurse (we had just gotten her, her job was to come once a week and take his vitals and see if he needs any supplies for his ostomy bag) she drove from Pima to my house in 15 minutes!! She took his vitals and looked at me and said "April you have two options...you can let him die here or you can call an ambulance!!" I was in shock, there was no way, NO WAY that he was going to die...we just  had a great time in Phoenix...he was supposed to beat his cancer. I don't really remember making the call but someone did and Jason and Brother Buckley gave Clint a blessing and we waited for the ambulance.

They got there so quick and started checking his vitals and they realized that he had no insulin in his body. They put him in the back and started pumping him full of insulin, I hopped in the front and off we went. The drive to the hospital from my house to the hospital is maybe 5min at the most. Once we got there I hopped out and rushed to the back and there he was alert and talking. I said a quick prayer of thanks and Clint then looked at me and said "What am I doing here?" I told him "Well you freaked me out so we need to get you checked out. He said nothing in response and we got him in a room in the ER and they hooked him up to a continuous line of insulin. The Dr's get him all settled and go off to get him a room in the ICU and he looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes and said the thing that is burned in my memory forever..."April, it is my time to go home." Time stopped, ,my world stood still as I tried to process what he just told me and then I went into complete meltdown mode. I couldn't believe what he was telling me...he then proceeded to tell me that he didn't want to be revived, he didn't want to take any meds that were going to keep him here...this needed to happen and it was going to happen quickly. I think my mind was numb but when he said to revive him I got fire back in my mind and said "Did you pray about it?" (knowing full well that he was just in a coma in my house and couldn't have possibly prayed about it. He looked at me with a sweet patient smile and eyes that seemed to know more than I could ever comprehend and said "No honey I haven't but would you like me to?" I said "Yes" He said "Fine I will but YOU need to as well."

The nurses then came in and said his room was ready they took him into the ICU and I had to wait in a waiting room until they were done getting him settled. I went back into his room when he told me to tell the nurses about the DNR (do not revive) and everything else he told me. I shook my head and said "I will not tell them that because if it was up to me I would do everything in my power to keep you here." The nurse came back and he proceeded to tell them his wishes and all I could do was melt into a puddle on the floor and bawl. I have to say that the nurses we had were the most amazing people ever, they let me have my freak out moment then they took me by my hand and said "Come on honey, why don't you come sit by your husband and we'll find you some place to sleep." I agreed and sat in a chair next to him and couldn't believe the next words out of his mouth "April I don't want you to sleep here tonight. You need to go home and sleep so you can face what is coming. On your way home call my family, they need to get here quickly if they want to say goodbye."

I don't know how I made it out those doors but I got in my car and immediately got on my phone to his oldest brother, Ryan. It was 2:30am AZ time so I think it might have been 5:30am Texas time. Thankfully they answered their phone and the sound of Aften's voice was enough to start my meltdown again, but they got the message and started calling everyone as soon as I got off the phone with them. I went home and tried to sleep but it was a restless one and got up at 6:30am Saturday morning, said my prayer...got my answer and went back to the hospital. Somehow I called my family and told them what was going on but I don't remember doing so.

That day is such a blur to me, somehow word got out about Clint's condition and it spread like wildfire. He had about 100 people in his room that day to say their goodbyes to him. He was amazing he talked to every single person, gave them advice for their life and promised to send their love to loved ones who have died...he even took the time to commit to memory the name of the deceased loved ones. While we were waiting for his family we knew we needed to tell our children and I had no idea what to say. I was dreading this part, how in the world does a Mom tell her children that their Dad is dying? I think Heavenly Father was watching out for me because I brought Mathew and Ben in to see Clint and I sat them down to explain to them what was happening and all of a sudden my Stake President, President Sanders walked in. He looked at me and seemed to know what I was trying to do and he then proceeded to tell them what was going on and in words that kids could understand. After he told them I swear to you that  I could hear their little hearts break and they broke down. Everyone in that room was crying me, Clint, the kids, the nurses and President Sanders and his wife. I hope that I never have to see my children's hearts break again, I don't know if I can handle it. I had the kids, all 4 of them take turns to say their goodbyes to their dad and I had my sister keep them from the hospital until he passed away.

Around 9pm Clint asked for me, my mom. his mom and my cousin Joy to be with him and then he told the Nurses that he was ready to be unhooked from his IVs, specifically the insulin, and he was ready to go. They called our family Dr and he came in to unhook him himself, and he cried the whole time he did it. His family hung around for a while after that and around Midnight I asked the nurses to ask them to leave so we could have some alone time. I know my husband and he didn't like everyone staring at him waiting for him to die, he wanted it to be the two of us. They left and around 3am Sunday morning his last brother (that could come quickly) came in the room to say his goodbye. After he left the room Clint went back into his coma. We were amazed that without the insulin he stayed out of his coma for 6 hours, but he really wanted to see this brother so he did it. I don't remember falling asleep but I remember waking up at almost 5am upset with myself for sleeping...who sleeps when they know that could be their husband's last night!?! At 6am the night shift nurses came in and said they were off the clock and wanted to sit with me. For 2 hours they held my hand and cried with me, from all of Clint's hospital stays they got to know him pretty well,

Several hours went by and I needed to go to the bathroom, in this hospital they don't have a bathroom in the ICU so I had to go out in the main hospital to use one. As I got up to leave I felt that I needed to tell him that I would be right back, so I did.  Once I got out there I got ambushed by his family, they were all wanting updates and so I was gone for longer than I wanted to be and I had this feeling that I needed to get back in there asap. I sat on the bed next to him and I started singing to him and pouring my heart out to him. I had told him most of the night, when I wasn't sleeping, that he just needed to go and that I was going to be OK. He had looked out for me since the day we met and I knew he was hanging on for me. I told him that I would be OK but I didn't believe it in my heart until something clicked inside of me and I knew for sure that I was going to be OK. I told him this one last time and he took a big gasp of air, for a brief second I got excited I thought he was going to talk to me so I turned to look at him and as soon as I looked at him and the monitors and all the numbers on there zeroed out and it started beeping...

The nurses ran in and I kept saying that I didn't know what happened or what was going on and they finally took me by the shoulders and said "April, he is gone." And yet again I had a freak out moment. All of the family had gone and so they called our friend Riley who was at church. He got the call and rushed out of church and everyone there says that when they saw him leave they knew what had happened. He ran into the room and held me while I cried and cried and cried. I got my voice and called my cousin Joy to tell her to bring the kids. I looked at him and thought "Oh my gosh who is that man in the bed, he isn't my Clint!" I learned that day that when you fall in love you really do fall in love with the spirit of the person not just their body. Family came, my kids came and I told the nurses to call the mortuary. While I waited for them to come all of a sudden I felt like I was wrapped in the biggest, warmest hug I have ever experienced. That feeling stayed with  me all the way through the funeral.

I know this is long buy this is the story people have been asking me to tell. It hasn't been easy I started writing it on my 1year mark and I finished it on my 15 month mark...it took me 3 months to write this. I experienced all of the emotions over again. My friends lost their 6yr old son the beginning of the month and that has made reliving this even more hard. I finally though have stopped "what if'ing" myself...what if I had made him go to chemo, what if I had begged him to stay, what if I had been more assertive with his specialist and demanded a second opinion what if...what it...what it...I have learned this past year that I believe that Clint and I knew this was going to happen before we were born, that we agreed to have this trial. There is nothing that could have kept this from happening to us, it was supposed to happen. I have changed, yes that is true. But you can't expect people to go through this and it not change them in some way I came to a point where I had to decide this can make me bitter or this can make me better and  I chose to be better. I have decided to live Clint's legacy of optimism, a love of life and service. I know that he wants me to get remarried one day and I feel blessed to know that I already have his blessing on this matter. I have learned to make decisions for myself and my children and to be confident in them even when others don't agree, I have a cheerleader in Heaven that overshadows any of their negativity. It as taken a lot and some time to learn all of this but now I don't feel guilty whatsoever to start a "new" life while remembering and honoring the "old" life. I love Clint with all of my heart and I always will but I believe Heavenly Father will expand my heart to love someone new that will help love and raise our children they way Clint would want them raised. So this is what I have learned the first year, I wonder what I will have learned the end of the 2nd year...only time will tell!!!!!