...Saurday 1 ...

Wow ok I don't know why this has taken me so long to write about Saturday but here we go...Saturday morning of the conference came WAY to fast. Jami and I had gotten to bed pretty late and we had to leave around 8:30am to get her son to his sitter and drive an hour to Layton. On our way to Layton we were just talking about what we were going to experience and hoping that it wasn't full of just 70 year olds (no offense!!). We pulled into the parking lot and I got major butterflies...I said "Jami I have butterflies" and she looked at me and said "It is because your future husband is inside". I just looked at her and laughed...laughing helped put me at ease...we walked into the church.

We got checked in, our schedules and name tags and proceeded into where they were serving breakfast. We scanned the room and I was shocked...there were so many different ages and I couldn't get over how many of them were very close to my age!! We picked a table and I sat down and a girl looks at me and says "April"!?! I looked at her and I was so excited it was my friend Jacqui from Texas...we met over facebook she lost her husband in November. We hugged and she introduced me to her friend Kayla...also from Texas. I am amazed at how many people came from so many different states Heavenly Father's hand truly was in the safety and organization of this event. I looked around and spotted my fellow widows from the Boise area and chatted with them and then it was time for our first speaker.

We organized in the chapel and our speaker was Jozet Richardson. Her husband Lance Richardson wrote the book "The Message". (I truly recommend this book to everyone!!) He was in a coma and taken to the Spirit World for a while and was taught, instructed and told to write down what he remembered when he came back to his body to enlighten others. It gave me an idea of what Clint might have experienced when he passed away. She taught us of his life and what had happened and the true message of the book. The message of the book is service. Lance was told that service is the action form of love. She is now engaged to an awesome man who loves her and supports what she does...she knows what I am going through. She counseled "don't let circumstances determine your happiness. Happiness comes from your relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ." She referred to 3 Nephi 17: 6-7 and said that we have been afflicted with this circumstance but we need to put our life in Christ's hands and let him heal us and our hearts so that we may live this life to the fullest. She closed with "hang on and follow the spirit."

For the next couple of hours we had workshops. There were so many to choose from I wish that I could have attended all of them but overall I was extremely happy with my choices...

My first one was: Moving Forward and Loving Again by Byron Bair. The first thing he said was "you are here because you think I am going to teach you how to get married again don't you?" "Well you are wrong...we will be working on all types of relationships in your life." The first thing he stressed was that we need to remember that we are not alone even if we feel like we are. He then described our life like a garden and we have been told to dress and keep it like Adam and Eve were told to dress and keep the garden of Eden. He said that all of you have suffered a loss so that means that you are missing a very valuable plant in your garden. As we go through this loss we tend to focus on the empty hole and neglect the rest of our garden...our kids, parents, family and friends. The answer isn't to buy a new tree to put into the hole...because it can't be filled or replaced... but to tend to the rest of our garden and when it is time for a new plant to enter into our life to make room in our garden, dig a new hole and plant the new seed and THAT relationship will bloom and grow stronger over time. He went on to tell us how to repair our garden and get it established and blossoming again. Alot of the times children suffer the most when a parent is in grief and we need to wake up and gather them to us and bond with them again so that we don't lose them. The cool thing about his presentation was that he used Alma 32: 26-43 as an example of how to build a good relationship. Once our garden is fully established with our family and friends then we can focus on dating if that is what we choose to do. He gave us tips on how to know a good seed from a bad seed and once we know a good seed we have to: nourish it (communicate), listen and understand it, Allow it to get root (allow time to strengthen and deepen the relationship), have great diligence (apply effort and work towards the relationship), have patience (be willing to work and wait for the right season), look forward to the fruit (be ready to commit when the time comes), and the right type of harvest (relationship) will come and you know it is a good one because it will bring joy.

The next workshop I was really looking forward to it was: Helping Children Grieve and Heal by Kent Allen. This was the biggest reason I came to the conference...to be able to help my children. He is so very knowledgeable and gave me so many tips to help them and he even talked with me afterwards one on one and gave me specific helps for my children. He does a free counseling group in Layton, UT and I wish that I lived close enough to get to those. For kids 0-3yrs he said...they can't distinguish between fact and fiction so we have to tell them the truth simply. (I know this...Nathan told his Dr that his daddy was killed by a bad guy.) They are too young to have memories of their own and we need to help them with memories that we share. He even suggested to put the slide show that was made for the viewing to children's songbook music and leave it out to where they can watch it whenever they want. They crave normalcy so they want the grieving over quickly and when they do grieve they get angry and we need to grieve with them so they know it is ok. For children 4-10yrs they heal quickly and want the grief over...they may seem uncaring to you but that is how they deal with it. They tend to grieve more the 2nd year than the 1st year so be ready to grieve with them again...even if you are feeling better. You need to get them focused on something else to get them to open up like play a game or something and they will just start talking about it without even thinking. Watch out for anger, crying, grades dropping or anything else that isn't normal for the child so you can intervene quickly. I have more tips for older children but these were the only ages that I am worried about right now in my life. I learned that grief isn't something that you experience and then get over. You will experience it during different things in your life but each time it gets a little bit easier. Just let your children know it is ok to be sad but we need to keep on going because that is what daddy/mommy wants us to do.

After this workshop was lunch. I sat down with a group of people and the guy at the table says "hey you are that Arizona girl that just moved to Idaho!!" I looked at his name badge and was shocked it was Darren...he is from Arizona and we met on facebook as well. He had a whole group of people from Arizona with him and they let me know that when I am there visiting to let them know so we can get together. I guess I didn't realize how many people know me or of me and it was pretty interesting. My mind was soo overloaded and I was processing everything that I kinda withdrew myself from the social aspect. I didn't hang out with Jami's Utah group because they were always talking and laughing and I just needed my space to think. So far everything that I heard was exactly what I needed and I thanked our Father in Heaven many times that day for it. After the yummy food at lunch we had another fireside, workshop and what I was looking forward to...a panel of remarried widows there to answer questions about blending families.

to be continued...

What a weekend-Friday

This was the weekend of the long awaited Widows and Widowers Conference in Layton, UT. These next few posts will highlight my days and thoughts there!!!

Last week was a pretty fun filled week for me. First Jami came over and spent her Spring Break with us which was so much fun. Then it was the widows and widowers conference that I was really excited about. I had quite a few preparations to make before I could go to Utah for the conference. I had to figure out my driving situation because Valerie needed the car to get her back and forth to work. Babysitting is always a trial when you are a single mom of 4 kids...I needed to find people to watch the kids while I was gone and Valerie was at work (many many thanks Branick and Amanda...the kids had so much fun!!). Figuring out my schedule while I was there, where I was going to stay and of course what to wear!!

Friday finally came and I hitched a ride to Utah with Jami since she was going back home and I was staying with her. She was on a committee in her ward that was putting on a traditional Passover dinner so we went to that instead of the opening fireside for the conference. It was so amazing I have never experienced anything like that. I must say that I didn't know what entailed in a Passover dinner and it was so fun to learn about it. We had a Seder...which is like a program that they do before their feast. It can take up to 3-4 hours...they pray, drink tons of wine (we had grape juice), sing hymns, eat unleavened bread, bitter herbs (which almost made me cry because they were so spicy and have so much fun together as a family. Their most favorite part of the Seder is retelling the stories of the plagues that God cast upon the Egyptians because the Pharaoh wouldn't free their ancestors. The meal was so good and so bad for the diet that I was doing weeks before and am now on the maintenance phase...but oh well I was out of town rules don't apply!! Our Seder and Feast took about 2 hours and I enjoyed every minute of it.

We were kinda antsy to get out of there because she wanted to take me to one of her mid-singes dances and it started at 9pm and was going to end at 12:30am. After we cleaned up at the church and picked up her son we were getting back to her place around 10:30pm. So we changed as fast as two girls can and dashed off to the dance. The dance was pretty fun, I felt a bit awkward at first. The only person I knew was Jami and I was a new girl there so not many of her friends really acknowledged me. There was this one girl named Jeremy who became my buddy and we had fun together while Jami was being swept away by all the guys. My mid-singles group in Boise was having a dance that night and I longed to be there. I was really looking forward to the swing lessons before the dance and all of my friends that I dance and have fun with. Once again I am shy and not so outgoing so going to that dance in Utah was pretty hard for me. When the dance got over we all went to IHOP after and Jami and I had a goal to be in and out of there in an hour since we knew we were in for a long day the next day. We did pretty good I think we actually left 15min after our goal time...not too shabby!!

We got back to her house around 2am and just crashed. I actually slept pretty good but I had such butterflies in my stomach anticipating what would be coming the next two days. I was hoping and praying that I would learn stuff there that would help me and the kids and honestly I was really hoping that there would be widows and widowers there around my age and not all of them in their 70's. That might sound mean but I really wanted to find more people I could relate to. Sadly the alarm went off much sooner than I would have liked and I got up to start Saturday morning and a new adventure...

31yrs and older

So there was a singles conference this weekend in Boise and I really wanted to go but guess what...I AM TOO YOUNG!!! Ha ha ha I never thought I would say that again once I was married and turned 21. I accepted that fact and then was told that there would be a dance on Saturday night and it was for all ages...YES!!! So I decided to go and I am not sure I want to go dance with those ages again...

Valerie got off of work a couple of hours before the dance started so I made dinner and helped get the kids ready before bed before I took off for the dance. It was in Boise so when I got there I was a little late but that is no biggy because people are always late to dances here. It reminds me of high school again where the cool people would show up late. Anyways I got there and walked in and the first thing I noticed was that they were blaring country music. I love country but a certain someone that I was hoping to see doesn't. I thought uh-oh if he hears that he is outta here. I peek my head in and look around for people that I know and the second thing is notice is that the majority of the people there have gray hair (no offense to all the people I love with gray hair!! ) My first thought was...am I at the right place?

I quickly went back out to my car and checked the address on my phone (thank goodness for Internet and facebook availability on phones) and sure enough it was the right place. So I decided to go back inside and make the most of it. I went back to the gym and went all the way in and saw two girls that I knew sitting on the opposite side of the gym. I waved at them and walked over to them and sat down and started chatting with them. I usually dance to every song played but I didn't feel comfortable doing that there so I just sat there and talked. Not long after I sat down a guy came and asked one of my friends to dance after their slow song was over a fast song came on and he asked me to dance. I have never been asked to dance on a fast song before so I didn't know the protocol...do I hold his hands? Do I stand a couple feet away from him and do my own thing? So I just stood a little bit away from him and kinda moved my feet back and forth and he did the same thing...it was kinda awkward. It turns out that he teaches at a college and has quite a few grandkids!! He was a nice guy...

After the dance with him I looked at my friends and said if no one else from our group comes to the dance they are in so much trouble!!! Finally another friend comes in and she gets our booties out on the dance floor and we got more of the older people get out and join us and it starts to get fun. Finally about an hour and a half before the dance ends our fearless leader shows up and so does some more girls. He gets to dancing and and so do the girls. Finally about a half hour later even more mid-singles show up and one of my friends is the daughter of the DJ and she gets him to play a better mix of country and our dance music. So about an hour before it ended we had soo many mid-singles out on the dance floor and alot of the older crowd were joining us and we were all having fun. Sadly the dance ended at 11:30pm and we helped the DJ carry his stuff out and put up chairs and tables and decided to head to a restaurant afterwards.

We went to SHERRY'S and I couldn't eat anything because of this pretty intense diet that I was on so I got to have water while everyone else had yummy yummy food!! We had so much fun visiting and laughing then we headed home and I got home after 1am then I though oh crap daylight savings time starts this morning. I think I could seriously do a whole blog on how much I hate daylight savings and how stupid I think it is!! So in reality I was getting into bed at 2am and I had church at 9am and I LOVE MY SLEEP!! Oh well all in the name of fun right!?!

My "not a date" date

Ok so there was this guy online that I thought was pretty dang cute and he lived close to me. I checked out his profile and pictures and kinda left it alone...mostly because I am old fashioned and I think that guys need to approach the girls, plus I don't have the confidence to put myself out there like that. About 2 months later I noticed that he has viewed my profile 10 times and has even book marked my page and I thought what the heck obviously he sees something he likes but why won't the guy talk to me!?! Then I thought well maybe he is shy like me so I cut him a little slack so I sent him a message and guess what...the dang guy never responded!!!!

Not long later I went to a planning group for the mid-singles out here. I was nervous about going but I felt like I should be there to help plan and make the best out of this being single thing. I showed up and once again I didn't know anyone there. We had a great time getting divided up into committees...I joined the single parents planning committee. The next day I got on facebook and I had a new friend request...it was from him!!! I am going to call him my LC2. I was shocked and pretty excited that LC2 wanted to be my friend but a little puzzled on how he found me on facebook without knowing my name. I went and found Joy immediately and show him to her and she was way excited. It is kinda weird though because he could be Joy's Clint's twin! So Joy of course put her stamp of approval on him she said "April you have my approval...he gets my vote!" Clint gets home a little while later and we show him LC2 and he said "No way April that would be really weird, plus anytime he came over Joy might get confused on which one of us is her husband!!"

I did the only logical thing and accepted his friend request and of course went through his pics. He definitely was the guy online, he has 2 BEAUTIFUL little girls and he is extremely handy and talented. I asked Joy and Clint for some advice and they both said "message him April he is obviously interested in you." So I did and it basically said...Hi I am April and you have no idea who I am but my cousin loves your work and would love to get some prices. Yeah kinda dorky but I wasn't going to say Hi I am April and why are you stalking me!! He responded and he said of course I know you we have met before!! Uh-oh...how could I have met him and not remembered I racked my brain and couldn't come up with anything. So I responded " believe me if we would've met I would remember it!". Then his response was "well maybe we should meet officially sometime!" So I conspired with Joy and Clint and we decided to meet him for lunch at a place we have been wanting to try...5 guys burgers and fries (I thoroughly recommend it!!). He agreed and the not a date date was set!!!

The day arrived and I was nervous and excited. Valerie watched the kids and Joy and I were off. There was an accident on the exit we needed so we were going to be late and I texted him and let him know and he said it was no problem. Once we got there I realized a problem I didn't know what he drove or really what he looks like. We figured if we saw a guy that looked like Clint then we should be safe. We walked then and we were scanning the place and Joy said "April if he is the guy in the camo hat I am going to freak out" (Clint was wearing his camo hat that day) All of a sudden camo hat guy stands up, turns around, we make eye contact and he smiles...yep camo hat guy is LC2!!!

I smiled and whispered to Joy "If he says the words git-r-done then I will start to freak out." (Git-r-done is Clint's saying) We quickly make some small talk and get ready to order our food...and I have no idea what to do...do I pay? Do I offer to half the bill? Do I pay for my own? So I just ordered mine and paid for mine, in retrospect I should've paid for his since I invited him but now I know. We all ordered and sat down and started chatting. It was pretty funny to me because Clint and Joy were the ones asking him all the questions. I was amazed how much Clint and LC2 have in common. The food comes out and LC2 and Clint split fries and so do Joy and I. While we were there I learned alot about him: his divorce, his family,what he does for a living, how much he loves his girls, he used to race cars, he loves country music, that he has a potty mouth and he is a little rough around the edges. Learning all of that about him still didn't turn me off!! We had a great lunch then we needed to hit the road so we said our goodbyes and I didn't know when I would see him again but I was hoping it would be soon. I still have no idea where he thinks we met but I think it might have been at the planning committee since he is on the sports and leisure committee. Once of these days I will figure it out. I don't know if he remembers that I am the girl online or not but it doesn't really matter since we finally got to meet. I did learn one other thing about him...he drives a F150...yes he is a truck man!!!!

On the road again...

One of the firsts that was really hard happened January 11th...Clint's birthday...he would've turned 29. So what did I decide to do? Take a trip to AZ!!!! This was definitely going to be an adventure because it was going to be me, the kids and my sister Valerie...ABSOLUTELY NO MAN AROUND TO HELP!! When we moved we had Joy's husband Clint so I was pretty nervous about driving 18+ hours. We left the night before Clint's birthday about 9pm or so A LOT later than I was planning. We made sure before we left that we had stuff to keep the kids busy except that our dvd players were broken so this was going to be interesting.

So we were on the road and we drove for a while and the kids eventually fell asleep and I decided to make a pit stop...RFC lives on my way out to AZ so I stopped for 20min to say hi. Yeah that was the night that he was acting all weird, anyways, we talked for a while and I showed him something cool that I was making and asked him if he finally wanted to meet my sis. They used to tease each other all the time so I thought it was time for a formal introduction. He said sure and we walked out to the car and they finally met. Then I decided that it was time to get back on the road and he told me to drive safe and keep him updated on my trip and we were off again. I got to SLC and was doing pretty good and so we decided that Val would sleep and I would wake her when it was time to switch and we just kept on trucking. Finally I couldn't go anymore and slept just about as good as a paranoid passenger can (she is a good driver but I just can't help it, I did it to Clint too) off and on just to make sure the driver is still driving safely. Hey at least I don't stomp on the imaginary passenger side break pedal right!?!

We eventually switched back and some time later A LOT later we made it past the AZ line. The sun was coming up and I was in awe of the morning desert beauty. There is no way to describe it...the canyons, the smell of the air, the beautiful colors of the sun reflecting everywhere, the breath taking sunrise and a complete stillness in the air, it made my heart long to be back in AZ. The problem was the time kept on chugging along and it seemed like we were never going to get there and the poor kids were getting restless. Finally around 4pm we pulled into the Gila Valley and the most beautiful sight on the whole trip was the Gila Valley Temple. That Temple has a special place in my heart and just seeing it brought me to tears. Clint's company got to work on the Stake Center next door and he was just so happy about that Temple. We were supposed to go every week once it was finished but that goal wasn't meant to be. It was amazing to see the transformation of that beautiful building in just 2 short months. It also signified that we were home but that feeling didn't last too long...

We got to my mom's house and snuck in to give her the surprise of her life and she was soo happy to see us. My mom has always been a HUGE part of my kid's life she is definitely a rock for them and they can feel her unconditional love so it has been hard on her and the kids for us to be so far away. The boys practically threw themselves into her arms but Alizabeth was a little shy, it took her a few hours to remember grandma but once she did she was her grandmas little shadow again and rightfully claimed her spot on grandma's lap. We rested for a while and I got a little restless, it was Clint's birthday and he wasn't here to celebrate, so I asked my mom to watch the kids so I could go check out my house that went through a make-over after I moved. I wasn't sure if I was ready to go in there so I drove around our neighborhood for a while and I felt like an outsider, I got the overwhelming feeling that we just didn't belong there anymore. I finally got the courage up and went to my house but I wasn't prepared for what I felt next...

I stepped in the house and it was like I got hit by a brick wall...every single memory of the past 8 years came flooding back to me. The ones that were the most intense were from the last 2 years when it all started. I looked around at everything in the living room, kitchen, first bedroom...I took it all in the new clean carpet, the smell and look of the new paint job it was beautiful but it wasn't my home. I started to go to my bedroom and I couldn't get myself to walk in instead I ran out of the house sobbing. It was all so overwhelming and I couldn't believe how much changed without my permission...mom's house catching fire, Clint passing, me moving, mom's new house, my new life. I felt myself sinking into a pit of despair and I didn't know where to go or what to do. I shield my mom from bad things because they hurt her twice as much because she loves me so much so I drove to a "family" members house...Lacie and Eli. I hoped and prayed they were awake and thankfully they were I can't remember if I cried when I saw them but I am sure I did. I sat there with them for hours talking, crying and talking some more and they helped me so much. I left there feeling better about all the changes and realized again that since the Lord told me to move to Idaho there must be a reason and it is ok...things change, people change and that is how it is supposed to be.

The next day I went to my favorite home decor store there and bought some flowers for Clint's grave and finally went to see his finished headstone. It is unique, beautiful and totally us...it is beyond perfect. I just sat there with him talking and working out emotions and came away with the feeling that the choices I have made so far have been perfect and he has complete faith in me to raise our kids the way we wanted them raised. I was finally able to enjoy myself and looked forward to spending time with my mom and the rest of my friends and family that I had there. We went to Trevor and Marci's house the night before I left for a BBQ and it was fun, nothing changed the people at the BBQ loved me before and still loved me. It was hard to leave the next morning but I knew we didn't belong in the Gila Valley anymore we belong in Idaho now. We said our goodbyes and on our way home. This adventure taught me several things: the Lord knows our life and we need to trust in him completely, change is hard but will eventually be seen as a good thing, even though you don't live near them the people that love you will always love you, you need to give yourself more credit because you are strong enough to make the choices now and have faith things will turn out the way they are supposed to!!!!

STEAK

I never realized how much I really don't know about different types of food until one day I wanted steak. Val and I were at the store doing some grocery shopping and we decided that we wanted steak for dinner. So we walk over to the meat section and start looking through all the varieties of steak. Before I would've suggested steak and Clint and I would've gone to the store and he would've walked over to the steaks and picked out the right ones and we would've been on our way home. This shopping trip was a little different!!

I though this was going to be a breeze I have cooked steaks before so I knew what to look for. I didn't realize how many varieties there are. I saw T-bone, sirloin, chuck, eye of round and some other one that I couldn't pronounce!! With the T-bone it was HUGE, expensive and covered in tons of FAT. Sirloin looked pretty good but there was super thin ones and a nice size cut. Chuck to me looked more like a hamburger or something I don't really know. Eye of round...what the heck...it sounds like something that belongs in a witches brew. The one I couldn't pronounce, well, it didn't look like steak and I have no idea what I would do with it. There were others but I can't seem to remember...I was a little overwhelmed at the time :)

So Val and I are looking at our options and telling each other the pros and cons of each one and we were getting NOWHERE!! Then I looked at her and said "Valerie we need a man" she said "I don't think we can get one that fast April". We decided that we would watch the next man that came over to the meat section and whatever steak he chose we would choose. Well we waited for at least 20 minutes before one finally came over. We stepped back a little so we could see what he was going to choose and you will not believe what he chose...THE NAME I COULDN'T PRONOUNCE!!!! Yes he did, I looked at Val and said "best out of 2?" We waited another 10min and not another man came our way so I did what I usually do in a situation that I can't figure out...I called Joy. While I was waiting for Joy to answer I decided to look around to see where the heck all the men where and I found most of them in produce and canned goods, who would've thought!?!

Finally Joy answered her phone and I said "Joy we want steaks for dinner but we can't figure out which ones to get, what ones should we get?" Her response was "I don't know let me get Clint!!" So eventually Clint tells me which ones to get...we ended up getting a not too thick and not too thin cut of sirloin and it was MARVELOUS!! I learned that there are somethings that I might be able to do alone but there are some things that come to men instinctively one of them being: STEAKS!