Playing Catch Up

So the point of having this blog was so that I could talk about my life as a widow and the things that I have done plus it has served as a "journal" and I figured one day I can go back and print them off and put them in a binder for my family to read. Anyways there came a point in my life that the computer that I was using as as slow as molasses and I couldn't blog. So please forgive me for the next little while as I play catch up on my life, unless something big happens (which is extremely doubtful).

I believe I left off talking about a date I went on or something like that...so let's jump to May...the beginning of summer!!

There was a pretty big occasion that happened in our family in May, Mathew, my oldest child turned 8!!!! It was such an exciting/hard time. In my religion once a child turns 8 they can get baptized into our church. The Baptism is usually performed by the Dad, so now you can see why it was so hard. We were planning a trip to Arizona to spend some time there for the summer and so I planned on Mathew getting Baptized in Arizona, we would definitely have more family be able to be there if we did it in Arizona anyways.

As soon as school let out the kids and I hit the road. This was a pretty big event in and of itself because this was the first time I had ever driven that far on my own with all 4 kids. I was pretty nervous and was praying so much that we would get there without any trouble...with the car or the kids! I asked my friend Wid for some advice since he had done it on his own before, I did exactly what he said and the drive went so smoothly! We did the drive in one straight 12hr shot but I doubt that it only took us 12hrs, I am sure it was longer, needless to say we were all pretty happy to get there.

I faced some challenges when it came to planning his Baptism...like I said normally the Dad would do the Baptism and Confirmation but since that wasn't an option several people felt like they should be the ones to Baptize him. But that wasn't how I saw it, I helped Mathew come up with a list of people that could Baptize him and a month before his Birthday he was going over the list to pick the one he wanted. He was looking for the person that reminded him the most of his Dad and that Mathew had a good relationship with and who he looked up to. I wasn't surprised at all with his choice, he chose our Bishop/Good friend to his Dad...Bishop Taylor. Our family and the Taylor family have such a strong connection and Bishop Taylor had been such an influence on Mathew, heck our whole family...Alizabeth calls our new Bishop, Bishop Taylor so I guess he will always be a part of our family.

Anyways Mathew's Baptism  was set for a few days after we arrived. I ran around like a crazy person getting the program for the Baptism done, securing a place for a BBQ and swimming party afterwards and practicing the song Mathew asked me to sing at his Baptism. I was so nervous about facing this day alone, I wished with all of my heart that Clint was there with me. The Baptism was perfect, my song was pretty good, Mathew looked so grown up in his new suit and yes I felt Clint's presence there so strongly. I am sure everyone there could, Bishop Taylor even choked up when Baptizing him. I know that when our loved ones leave this life that they don't leave us completely, they will always be there when we need them, especially on big days like this. It was an amazing day and I am thankful for the friends and family members that showed up to give support to Mathew on his special day!!

I think it was the following week I finally got some time to go check out the new Temple they built not far from my old house, the Temple is called the Gila Valley Temple and it was built in Central, AZ. It is absolutely gorgeous!!!! I couldn't stop staring at the beauty of it. Before I went I prayed about a decision that was weighing heavily on my mind, I know that I blogged about this question and even after I did I still didn't really have an answer. I wanted to know if I should stay in Idaho or move back to Arizona. I had quite a few reasons to leave ID but I just bought a house and my kids seemed happy there. Honestly, I loved living there and I made some amazing friends but I never felt "at home" come to think of it the last time I felt "at home" anywhere was before Clint passed away, once he was gone so was my home. I was ready to feel "at home" again but I didn't know where that was supposed to be at. I hated the idea of moving my kids again but I knew something needed to happen...either move or have a change of heart and finally feel "at home" in ID. So I prayed and prayed and prayed and I finally got my answer on a beautiful summer day in the Gila Valley Temple the answer was...to move back to Arizona.

Dreams don't always come true...and its ok!!

I have often dreamed about this day trying to figure out how it would be spent. Would I finally get that trip to Italy that I have dreamed about, be whisked off to Hawaii, go on that Alaskan cruise, splurge on floor seats for a Phoenix SUNS game, be surprised with the giant rock of a diamond I was promised, take a weekend trip to Las Vegas, send the kids to my mom, shut off our phones and ignore the world for a weekend, take that trip to a bed and breakfast somewhere in the White Mountains that we talked about doing almost every year, have an "April" week where I could do whatever I wanted, and so much more?? I have no idea what would've been on this day but I do know this...Clint would've given me the biggest surprise of my life and I would've loved every minute with him.


I am sure you are wondering what day I am describing here well...today...February 16, 2011 would've been our 10 year wedding anniversary. Ten years ago we loaded up in a rental car with his brother Ryan and sister-in-law Aften and set out to Vegas. We did this among much protest and Clint told me once that he was glad we went to Vegas instead of getting married in a church with people who weren't happy that we were getting married. We have always done things our own way and wouldn't ever change them.

Anyways we got to Vegas and went to check into our hotel, The Aladdin, and they wouldn't let us get the rooms because we weren't 21 yet, thankfully they let us transfer the rooms into Ryan's name. We got to our rooms and started calling around for a wedding chapel we decided on The Little White Wedding Chapel, though I am not sure why we picked that one and with Aften's help I got transformed into a beautiful bride. The limo picked us up and took us to the court house to get our marriage certificate and then off to the chapel. Sadly it was an extra $100 to have Elvis marry us so we got a minister from a church down the road. The service was short, sweet and to the point. I told Clint before we left AZ to get his ring sized but he said no it should fit. Well when it came time for me to put it on his finger IT WOULDN'T GO ON!! In our wedding video you can see me shoot him the "I told you so" look as I shove the ring on his finger. Afterwards we went outside and took pictures and we got back in the limo and the driver said "Well you are a quiet crowd for just getting married" I told her that I needed some caffeine because I had a headache so she pulled into a gas station so Clint could get me some Dr. Pepper!! We stayed one night in The Aladdin and the next day the 4 of us hit Vegas for some sight seeing and we had such a blast. We ate at a buffet, took 7 rolls of pictures, Ryan almost got pick-pocketed, played in an arcade and saw just about everything there was to see on the strip. Then we loaded up in the car and decided to make one more stop before heading home...we went to see the Las Vegas temple. It truly is a beacon on a hill, it was amazing the peace and quiet that was there as it over looks "sin city". They took some pics of the temple and we headed home where our second night as a married couple we slept in the back seat of a Chrysler Seabring on the side of a road somewhere.

That was a shortened version of our wedding in Las Vegas 10 years ago. Exactly one year later we got sealed in the Mesa Temple. When that happens you are married for TIME AND ALL ETERNITY... NOT AND/OR ETERNITY. So as I look back on my wedding and all the dreams I had for this 10 year anniversary one thing is clear...I am married to him for time and all eternity but my time with him is over. Our time here on Earth is complete but I know without a shadow of a doubt that he wants me to eventually be married again (ask my sister Robin she can tell you how she knows for sure). He wants me to find a man that can help raise and guide our kids throughout this life since he can't be here and he knows that in the grand scheme of things our time here on earth is but a small blip and he knows that we have all eternity ahead of us.

So yes, dreams don't always come true or turn out the way you hoped but just know that it is OK but there is a plan already set out for us and while we may not understand now we will understand one day!!!

What is my legacy?

I have been thinking a lot this past month or so about what we leave behind when it is our time to go. Some people might think that kind of thinking is a bit morbid but after joining this "club" you start to look at death in a different light. Clint used to carry around a quote in his wallet that said "The only things you can take with you when you go is your relationships and your knowledge, everything else doesn't matter." I agree with that quote but I also disagree. What about the people left behind? How will they remember you?

So...what do you leave behind? How will they remember you? Basically you leave behind a legacy. I believe that everyone leaves a legacy behind...from a baby who dies before they are born to a person who lives 200 years...we all touch someone in some way.  What is the definition of a legacy? Good ol' Webster says "something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past (the legacy of the ancient philosophers)" For example: He left his children a legacy of love and respect.

Clint's birthday was yesterday and last night I was thinking of his legacy. His legacy would be service, hard work and love. His biggest goal in life was to become financially set so he could help others who needed it. He was always moving people in and out of our ward. His most favorite Family Home Evening was to make cookies and go take them to people. One year, probably about 6 years ago, he came up with The Halloween Phantom. He came up with a poem basically about serving others and my sister drew a ghost that the poem sat in. We took the ghost put it on a plate of cookies and took it to 5 families who were supposed to do the same thing to 5 other families. Once night a week or so later someone did the Phantom to our house and he just grinned thinking about all the other families getting cookies. He worked hard for everything in life. When we were newly married he got laid off a construction job because he put the way ahead of schedule. He was without a job for a week or so until our landlord got him a job on a ranch. He had to go paint fences out in the snow, they were so impressed with him that once he found a job they practically begged him to stay. He also loved every person he came across, I have never seen someone give so much unconditional love before. I never realized how many people he touched until his last day in the hospital. I couldn't believe how many people came to say goodbye to him.  As I reflected on his legacy I realized how proud of him I am and how proud of him our children are. His legacy truly is amazing.

After thinking about Clint's legacy last night, I started thinking about mine. Am I living the way I want my kids to remember? I honestly don't know. They know I have a testimony and a passion for music. But I am not sure that right now my legacy is strong enough for them. I think I have some work to do in this area. Life is short, you never know when you will be called home...I think it is time to live to be a better person so that when it is my time my kids will be proud of me.

So I guess it is time to ask yourself...what is my legacy?