Self doubt

This post is out of order but I have had a lot of self doubt lately and it just needs to be talked about, it may just be a theraputic thing for me but maybe you can learn something from it too. You know how things are moving right along in life and then all of a sudden you start hearing things in your head? Things like: what the heck are you doing? Are you sure you made the right choice? What if it doesn't work out? What the heck is that all about? Why do we have to experience the self doubt?

Not long after he passed away I realized that I have to be the one to make the decisions now and it really scared me. He was the one I looked to for guidance and assistance in decisions, it seemed like he always knew the right thing to do or say. How was I supposed to be the one? I know that this was supposed to happen, that we chose this path before we came to earth. I just wonder why we chose him to leave. This has crossed my mind many times. He was so much smarter than me. He was well rounded...he knew pretty much everything and could do anything he set his mind to, our kids would've learned so much more from him. People liked him a lot more than they like me, he is so comfortable in carrying on conversations with strangers and I am not so I get labeled stuck-up or cold. I can only think of one person that didn't like him and that guys is a jerk anyways. He was an amazing athlete and I am ok but once again he could teach them skills that I can't. Overall he is the most amazing and talented person I know and would be better suited to raise these kids.

So why did my kids get stuck with me? What are they possibly going to learn from me? The only thing I have to offer them is a musical ability and maybe how to get good deals at stores. This has been my biggest self doubt factor: am I good enough to raise these children? Sadly I don't know why we chose him to go first and leave me with the kids but it has happened. Sometimes we have to experience the trials and self doubts to help us grow and become better people. Our Father in Heaven knows our weaknesses and doesn't give us more than we can handle. It may seem at times that we can't do or go anymore but it seems at the last second we get a heavenly push and it keeps us going forward. It doesn't help stop the self doubts from coming but that knowledge should help us over come them. I know that over coming self doubt probably isn't classified as an adventure but it is something that as a widow I will have to experience quite a bit. The only thing I can do is to keep doing what I have been doing and hope and pray everything works out the way it is supposed to.

I have a Kyle?

You are probably wondering who Kyle is...well let me get on with this post and then I will explain at the very end. After I went to visit RFC the first time I went two more times and both time we had a blast. Christmas time and New Years come and go and he really talked with me and helped me get through those first holidays of my widowdom. January comes and we are still talking on the phone three times a day and texting all the time. Then all of a sudden his answers on his texts are getting shorter and shorter.

I went on a trip to AZ to get stuff taken care of down there and I stopped to see him. It was like a 10min visit just to say hi. I go inside and show him what I have been working on for him and he seems pretty excited. I sit down by him and talk about some stuff and all of a sudden he stands up and moves to the recliner across the room. I thought well that was pretty weird maybe he wants a more comfy seat. Then I decide I should hit the road and ask him if he wants to finally meet my sister, him and Valerie have talked several times and joked with each other on the phone, he says SURE!! We go out to my car and they meet and kid with each other and he tells me to drive safe and to let him know when I make it.

On my trip I was thinking about how awkward he was acting and I couldn't figure out why. While I was in AZ it got worse every time I tried to talk with him he either wouldn't answer or was very abrupt with me, so I decided to not contact him until he initiates it, which was SOO hard. Sometime after Christmas he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship (neither was I honestly) and he wanted to become better friends. He and I talked all the time and he was becoming an amazing friend so to not talk with him was pretty much killing me. I was racking my brain to figure out what I said or did to offend him and I couldn't put my finger on it.

Finally not long ago I figured out what was wrong. I was on facebook just playing around and I got a notification that he was tagged in a photo. I thought cool I wanna see the picture...what I saw almost made me throw up. HE WAS KISSING A GIRL!!!! I went through quite few emotions pretty fast but the biggest one was anger. What happened to our 100% honesty policy? Where was the respect...we weren't together but we were friends...why didn't he tell me? So of course I tell Val and Jami. They both start reaming on him and it of course makes me feel better and so I decide to just let him go out of my life.

I swear he has this sense and once I decided that one week later I am on facebook again and he IM's me. I wasn't sure what to say to him or if I wanted to talk to him and I IM Jami and asked what I should do and she thinks I should confront him about it. I am NOT a confrontational person so I had no idea what to say. He starts the conversation and wants an update on my life and wants to know how I am doing. So I tell him and then I ask so are you happy? He says I suppose so. Through this whole conversation he never mentions his girlfriend. Finally he decides he has to go and I say congrats on your new woman, I hope she makes you happy. He says thanks. Then (OK I sometimes cuss when I am angry and he knew that because he is the same way and I still was angry) I say but you should have told me about it instead of letting me find out on facebook you ass. Yes I said that!! His response? Was nothing, he said nothing!! Did I feel better about calling him out on it? You better believe I did!!

So you are asking yourself right now, where is Kyle in all of this right? Or is RFC's name Kyle? No it is not. If any of you know my family or my sisters you know that Kyle is the name of a guy Val dated. So now if there is a guy who you can see yourself with and down the road being happy together and he gets freaked out by it and gets a girlfriend but wants to stay friends with you but that friendship only extends to a once a month hey how are you because they want to keep girlfriend happy then you have a Kyle. After I told Val about RFC she looked at me and said April he is your Kyle. I thought to myself about that for a moment and answered yes he is. I knew then that nothing would ever transpire between me and RFC and I wish him luck. I may talk bad about him to Jami every once in a while but that is about as far as we will ever go. I am just mad that I lost a friend but people come in and out of our lives for different reasons and when those reasons have been fulfilled it is time for them to move on, this has been an adventure that I have learned a lot from and I am ready to keep searching until I find a guy who won't be a Kyle.

I got my GROOVE on

Somewhere in this RFC thing I met an awesome girl name Jill. She told me about a New Year's Eve dance that was coming up. She said it was for a mid-singles group, I asked her what the ages were before I decided if I was going to go or not. Now don't get me wrong I love to dance but I am at that single age where I don't want to go dance with a bunch of 19yr olds or 50yr olds (no offense). I am at this awkward stage and I wasn't sure where I fit in yet. She checked the ages for the group and to my surprise it was 27-45!! It was too perfect so I talked with RFC and he strongly encouraged me to go. He was actually pressing it pretty hard and I asked him why he wanted me to go so badly. His response was April you are so young, get out and live life. So I decided to go.

The last dance I had been to was my Senior Prom in High School...that was a magical night...I was out with the man I loved and then later on in the night I was crowned Prom Queen. This one I wasn't so sure how it was going to go, I no longer had the man I loved, I most certainly wasn't going to be queen of anything and the only person I knew (sort of) was a girl named Jill and I had no idea who she was!!!! So that day Joy and I went to the mall to find me a good outfit. I have a hard time in the looking good category because I am over weight but I thought we should try and find something anyways. We found this store in the mall that caters to people of my size and a wonderful thing happened I spent $200 there. Why is that wonderful? Because I found clothes that I felt comfortable and stylish in. I had my clothes and my GPS was ready to roll and I was on my way.

I got half way to the dance and I realized that I forgot my wallet at home and I needed $3 to get in. So I had to turn around and go get it and I looked at the time and realized that someone needed to get Val from work and it was probably going to be me. I got my wallet and rushed off to get Val and she expressed desire to go to a New Year's Eve dance in Boise. Since her car died shortly after getting to Idaho we were trying to figure out who would go to who's dance. I put my foot down about dancing with 19yr olds and she didn't want to dance with "old people". The agreement we came to was: she would drop me off at my dance and take my car to Boise for her dance and then pick me up when she was done. Finally all of this was settled and I get to my dance at 10pm and she drives away. My thought as she was leaving was: oh crap if this dance sucks I am stranded here until midnight at least. Oh well at least I couldn't run away right!?!

I took a huge breath and walked into the dance. I heard some pretty good music playing and was getting pretty excited. I looked around and almost laughed it seriously reminded me of a High School dance. People were standing along the walls, sitting at tables and a small group of people were dancing in the middle of the room. There were balloons and streamers everywhere, they did an awesome job on the decorations. I walked in and just stood there for a while and finally this girl comes up and starts talking to me and introduces me to some other girls. I put my stuff down and our group was coaxed out on the dance floor. So that was what it took to get me out there dancing. I am not the best dancer but I LOVE MUSIC so I just did my thing and had fun. Finally this girl from across the room looks and me and smiles and she said April? I said Jill? We both just laughed, hugged and she introduced me to some more amazing people. We danced all night long and around midnight they start passing out Hershey kisses so everyone could get a New Year's kiss. At the stroke of midnight this one fun guy starts kissing every girl he sees on the cheek and yes even me.

After the dance ended at 1 am I hopped in Jill's car and we go to someones house for New Year's Day breakfast. We had the best food and just sat and talked and got to know each other. I was invited to go watch a movie with them later in the day, which I totally did. I am really a shy person and I don't go out of the way to talk to cute guys about myself but I tried to make some conversation. Finally Valerie called me and I gave her the address of where I was and she came and took me home and we had a blast telling each other about our night. This mid-singles group that I have found has really been a blessing for me. It has gotten me in touch with other single parents and I go out and do activities and dances with them. I am still pretty shy so a lot of the guys out there don't really know me and I hope they don't think I am stuck up or anything but this is how I have been pretty much my whole life. My goal is to start talking to some and maybe just maybe go on a date or something. This adventure has reminded me how much I love to get my groove on!!

THE DATE

So figuring out a day to meet was kinda difficult since he doesn't live local to me, he lives over 3 hours away. I wanted him to come down here first so Clint and Joy could meet him and not stress over me being alone with a strange man. But time wouldn't allow that so we weren't sure what to do. He mentioned that he was going to SLC to get a truck and move some stuff for his ex's brother so I invited myself along. He said that would be fun and if time allowed we would stop by Temple Square to check out the Christmas lights!! I was so excited and nervous.

The day comes and off I go the whole 3 hour drive I am wanting to throw up and texting Jami trying to get my courage up. I finally get there and my GPS sent me to the wrong house, oops ! So I call him and he gets me straightened out so I finally get to his house. I sit in my car listening to some music trying to talk myself into getting out and I decide what the heck I drove 3 hours here I might as well go meet him. So I get out walk up the stairs to his porch and knock on the door...my stomach was in knots...I hear him trying to open the door and I am trying not to laugh. He finally gets it open and he is holding the door knob in his hand he looks at me and says "you just broke my door knob!" I just busted up laughing then I had to defend myself and tell him I never touched his door knob. (One of the things I liked about talking with RFC is that we would tease and joke back and forth.) He just smiled and let me in and all the nervousness went away, it was like seeing an old friend again I felt right at home.

We figured out that he needed a whole new door knob for his front door which we decided we would get on our way back from SLC. Before I got there he was trying to fix his dishwasher so I just sat on the floor and talked with him while he did that and then we sat and watched a movie and had so much fun together. The trip to SLC was pretty slow because we had tons of snow to deal with on the roads but we had each other to talk to so if was awesome. We got there and immediately got busy on loading things up in the truck we were taking back. There were some pretty heavy things but between the two of us we figured out how to load them up. I had a fun time listening to all the history that he knew of the SLC area. I am completely fascinated by the pioneer stories and the building of the SLC Temple and so I was excited that he could fill me in and answer questions that I had about it.

Time came and went on our trip to SLC and we had to make the trek home. It was a majorly long drive back to his place because it was snowing so heavily that traffic was actually going 25mph on the interstate. It took us about 7 hours I believe to get back to his place. But you guessed it we passed the time just talking and having fun. Sadly the time came that I had to get back to life. There was tons of snow on the road yet again and he was pretty worried about me driving home in it since I haven't grown up with all that snow. But I told him I would be ok and I went on my way.

That was the first date I had gone on with another man in 11 years and it was hard at first but it was so worth it in the end. I didn't come away feeling guilty like I expected. I came away feeling that it is ok for me to start dating and when the right guy comes along I will have Clint's blessing and he will be so very happy for me.

Hello sunshine

The day after my meltdown in November there came some light back into my life. I was on ldssingles and a profile caught my eye...he was tall, had dark hair and was handsome. But there was more to him, his profile actually made me smile and laugh. So I sent him a message and he sent one back saying if I saw him online to "give him a holler" (gotta love Idaho boys)! Well low and behold he was online and nope I didn't IM him right away. I actually sat there and argued with myself for about 20min...I am not the bravest soul...finally I decided if I didn't he was going to get offline and I was going to miss my chance. So with a big breath I typed three little words...no not THE three words...I said hi I'm April. Kinda lame I know but what do you expect I had been out of the dating game for 11 years! After I sent those words I pretty much hyperventilated and was going to die from humiliation if he didn't respond, what if he said to give him a holler just to be nice?

So some time ticked away and he responded!! I am not going to tell his name but if he reads this he knows who he is and that is how I am going to keep it I am just going to call him RFC. After he responded our conversation took off. I found out he had been at his parents and had a long day of driving with his 4 kids and was pretty tired. I though oh well this will be a short conversation. Why did I think that? Mostly because he was tired and we each had 4 kids and once he did the math he was going to hit the road. About 2 hours into our conversation we were still going and having a blast and I thought well this could be promising he hasn't made an excuse to get off. I think what I liked the most was that somewhere in our conversation we laid all of our crap out on the table. I said this is what I have been through and what you would get and he did the same and the cool thing is that we were both ok with what the other person's issues were. We decided then and there that complete honesty was in order no matter what the topic was and it was awesome!!

I suddenly realized that I was dog tired and I checked the time and it was 5am!!!! We talked for 8 hours straight! I couldn't believe it and I so didn't want to be the one to suggest going but I had to sleep because the kids would be up in 3 hours. So we decided we would talk again at 9pm that night. I thought about him all day and just smiled because I haven't had that much fun in a while. The first thing I did when I woke up was text my amazing friend Jami and I said you will not believe what I did last night!?! Time actually went fast that day and before I knew it it was time to get back online. The first thing we decided on was to get off at a decent time because he had to work the next day. Ha ha ha yeah right we didn't get done until 1am this time but at the end of the conversation he asked for my number...Yeah I know what you are thinking but yes I did give him my number.

I went to bed with happy thoughts and slept well the first thing in the morning I get a text that says good morning from an Idaho number that I didn't recognize. I couldn't believe it, it was RFC!!! Then the texting frenzy began...seriously we texted every minute of every day, this carried on for about 2 weeks then we decided 2 things: 1. We should probably not text while he is at work and 2. we needed to meet...

*this would be a long post so I am breaking it into 2)

THEY

Growing up I have heard a lot about THEY. For example: April you know THEY say to do your homework as soon as you get home it will be easier for you. THEY say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. So what I want to know is who the heck is THEY!?!?!?

Since I have become a widow THEY has had a lot to say about what I should do, how I should act, how long I should grieve...etc. I brought up the idea of dating to a person and that person responded with: "You know April THEY say that you should wait at least a year before dating after a loss, it is the proper way to show respect for your spouse." Or when I told someone I was moving I got: "April THEY say not to make too many drastic changes after you lose your spouse it might show you aren't thinking clearly."

Well I have decided that it is time to give THEY a piece of my mind!! OK really who the heck is THEY? I imagine THEY are a lot of old bitter, know-it-all people who sit around all day trying to come up with ways to fix other people's lives without trying to fix theirs. THEY have kept in business because tons of people actually heed their advice. What annoys me the most is how do THEY think THEY know what is good or not good for me and my life? Have THEY gazed into a crystal ball and now know the course of my life and everybody else on the planet? Has THEY been voted the #1 best advice giver of all time? Was THEY there night on the nights preceding Clinton's death to know what we talked about and decided for my life? Umm...no I don't think so!

I know, I know there are some instances where THEY are good to listen to and actually have some good advice. But more often than not THEY are just a major source of frustration. So for a new adventure in my life I have decided to tell THEY to kiss off and take a hike!! THEY... you need to realized that you don't have all the answers and sometimes people just need to decide the course of their life all on their own. So remember people if someone comes to you with a problem or is just venting about something and you feel tempted to throw your your best "THEY say" line take a breath and come up with something original or ask the person what they think should happen or maybe you shouldn't say anything and just give the person a hug. Sometimes the best advice is something that isn't even said but shown.

Firsts

As life goes on you come to realized that you get to experience quite a few firsts in your life. Your first day of school, your first kiss, your first love, the first dance at your wedding, your babies first breath and so on. Once you become a widow you get to experience firsts that aren't always so pleasant but just as memorable. For some reason I have gotten to experience a first of some sort every month since Clint passed, I don't know why I am so fortunate (heavy on the sarcastic side)! So here are a few of my firsts that I have experienced since September...

Halloween: yeah ok how hard can getting your kids dressed up and getting candy be on a new widow? Let me tell you it is harder than you think!! Clint and I had a system down...I would stay home and pass out candy while he took the kids down the street and then we would hop in the car and take them to see every single local family member (insane I know) and try to swing by the trunk or treat at the church. This year I opted out of passing out candy at home and we went to my friend's ward's trunk or treat. It was pretty fun then we went to every single family member's house yet again and we didn't get home until 11pm. Did I cry? Absolutely it was harder than I thought and I kept wishing he was there with me. He would've loved all the kid's costumes this year especially his little princess. But he was there in spirit.

Thanksgiving: you don't really realize how many traditions your family has until the holidays roll around. Thanksgiving wasn't a huge holiday tradition wise for us except for the fact that we usually had it with my mom's family and he always made sure I made my "famous" homemade rolls. This year we spent it at the Spencer's house since we were in Idaho this time and I played the piano to get some of my emotions out. It helped a little bit but all of my emotions came out the next day when it was the 2month anniversary of his death. It hit me harder than the 1 month. That is probably because I was second guessing every decision I made since he died. I had a total and complete melt down. You would think that Black Friday shopping would've helped me but I had to remember all the times he would go with me, that was true love right there!! So yes I had a meltdown but there came someone into my life the next day that helped me find my way again, I will talk about him later.

Christmas: now this is the holiday that we had the most traditions for. I felt a little lost with this one I wasn't even into the Christmas shopping (for those of you who know me know that that is a major red flag) I am a shop-a-holic and I wasn't wanting to shop. Then I would buy the gifts and put them out in the garage. Normally this would be ok because I had Clint to help me wrap them but I wasn't thinking and now I never want to wrap another present again. On Christmas Eve I wrapped and assembled toys until 5am!!!! Now Joy, Clintster and Val were here but they were all wrapping theirs too but we helped each other when we could. I did continue on the tradition of cinnamon rolls and hot chocolate for Christmas Morning. Once again we went to the Spencer's house for dinner and I found solace in the piano. Music can seem to heal all wounds not permanently but temporarily and it helped. But I still missed him so very much.

New Years: This one wasn't so bad because we have been bums on this holiday pretty much our married life. Last year I even fell asleep at 9pm and he had to ring in the new year on his own. This time I danced the night away at a mid-singles new year's eve dance and that really helped keep my mind off of it. I met some amazing people at this dance and I love getting together with them once a month for more dances.

His birthday: this brings us to January. His birthday was the hardest first that I had to face so far. I think it is because it is all about him. I even had his birthday planned before he passed away. We would've gone to Phoenix to watch a Suns game, stayed in a hotel, probably gone to the zoo and absolutely would've eaten at Olive Garden where I would've had the Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo and he would've ordered The Tour of Italy. This day was so hard to function because every time I stopped being "busy" the tears would come. I wanted so bad to be in AZ so I could go sit at his grave and just talk to him but I couldn't. So the kids and I talked about him and wished him a Happy Birthday, he was going to turn 29. We took a trip to AZ that day and when we got there we went to his grave with flowers and saw his headstone and everything felt in place for him.

Today Feb 16th, 2010: Our 9yr wedding anniversary. This might be my toughest first yet. I don't know what is in store for me today but I do know it will be rough. We were married in Las Vegas 9yrs ago and sealed in the Mesa, AZ temple 8yrs ago. We were supposed to go on a cruise this year, even though he isn't here I am still going to follow my heart and go on one in April.

Now I don't tell you all of my firsts to depress you...quite the opposite. I tell you them to uplift you and make you stronger. Our Father in Heaven doesn't give us more than we can handle. He knows our spirits and He knows us. Each one of these have been my stepping stones to greater things. I can now look back and think I faced these firsts head on so bring on the seconds. Life may seem difficult but in retrospect it prepares you and defines you. I tell people that I had to make a choice I could be bitter about this or I could be better. I chose to be better and I hope when you have your stepping stones you will choose to be better as well!!!

welcome to the world of internet dating

Alrighty so I entered into the crazy world of Internet dating. I wasn't sure what I was hoping to get out of it but I did it anyways. So there are 4 pretty big reasons any LDS guy wouldn't want to marry me they are: 1. I am sealed to Clint, yeah that is a big one, so any guy who isn't already sealed will probably just keep on walking. 2. I have 4 kids...need I say more? 3. I am overweight...that shouldn't really be an issue because I have a plan to fix that and I am getting ready to start them. But in this shallow world it tends to be an issue. 4. I can't have anymore kids, so the guy without kids of his own would probably like to have some and well I can't. So knowing these reasons I was skeptical about dating again, so I signed up online.


I haven't really told anyone because everyone always talks bad about people who find their "significant other" online but my wise little sister said April it is the technology age everyone is finding people online. So I took a deep breath and I dove in. Now Internet dating reminds me alot of a line up at a police station (not that I have ever been in one). Basically you are scrolling through pictures trying to find the one that strikes your fancy. It doesn't really matter what you have been through to make you the awesome person you are today, if you aren't the right specs then you aren't worth their time. At first I was pretty annoyed by it but I have thought about it and if a guy wants me just because of the way I look then they aren't worth my time. I don't need a shallow man in my life. It just reminds me of how low our society has become because everything now a days is based on physical appearance.

Ok I will get off of my soap box!! So basically you make a profile, add a picture, pay a fee and you are off. I must say I was shocked at the number of people that are using Internet dating and we are all doing it for most of the same reasons: we don't have time and we don't know anyone. I have found quite a few men out there that have made me think...holy crap are you sure you are LDS? Then, thankfully, there have been the few that have been totally awesome and I have had a good time getting to know. I don't know if Internet dating will be my answer but I know it will be a fun adventure!!!!!

Idaho sweet Idaho

About 8 years ago Clint and I lived in Idaho. We loved it here but it just wasn't working out for us to live here so we moved back to Idaho but we always told each other we would come back when it was time. Well...here I am!! So I followed the prompting to pack up my family and move over a thousand miles away from our friends, family and the only place my children have called home. Brave? I don't think so. Insane? Quite possibly. Am I going to turn around and go back? No way!

I don't know why I was supposed to move here. I told people it was so I could go to school but it feels like there is more I am supposed to experience here. Once I got here I was accepted into Boise State University but I wasn't accepted into the music program yet. I had to audition... Yes the dreaded audition. You would think if a person wanted to become a music teacher they would welcome them with open arms but I think they learned their lesson with all the tone deaf music teachers I have come across in my life time. So I scheduled an audition time and waited for that day to arrive about a month after I got here. In the meantime I got to adjust to living life in a house of 11 people. Well we all had to adjust to it especially the kids. But I am pleased to say that we have only had a couple of rough spots and we have gotten used to this pretty fast.

Joy, Clint, Valerie and I have so much fun. I am sure you can imagine what goes on in a house with 7 kids, 4 adults and 2 dogs. Wow sometimes I think we should have our own TV show...at the end of the day we all just look at each other and laugh, I am so thankful for this crazy life! I think when we first moved we kinda worried about what the neighbors must think about this 1 man and 3 women and all the kids. Then we joked about what the people at church were going to think as we all filed in...we could almost hear the Bishop saying...um we need to talk, polygamy hasn't been frowned upon for a while, so can you explain to me your situation? Knowing our Bishop he was probably thinking those words as we walked into sacrament. Now that people know our living situation we don't get as many funny looks, they might still think that we are crazy but they know that we aren't into the whole polygamy thing! :)

Anyways I am happy to be here in Idaho, the kids have adjusted well and love living here. Now once I figure out why I am here and get into a house of my own life will be heading in the right direction. Being here has helped with the loneliness but it hasn't cured it. Yeah kinda crazy that in a house of 11 people and 2 dogs I can feel lonely every once in a while. Oh did I mention that I joined an Internet dating site?

U-haul, you have got to be kidding

I just have to say that I love trucks, I love pretty much any kind of truck but I really really love diesel trucks. Specifically an F250 that has been lifted, with tool boxes, a ladder rack and a nice yellow stripe painted on the bottom half of the truck. If any of you know this truck you will agree that it is an amazing truck, those of you who don't know this truck it was Clint's truck. I almost bought this truck but then I realized how much it would cost me for the fuel and upkeep on it so I bought my Yukon instead. Now I am so glad I bought this Yukon it was the only reason I didn't completely freak when I realized I was going to have to pull a u-haul from Safford to Caldwell. My Yukon my be a SUV but it has the heart of a truck!!

So my moving company completely sucked and I had to go get a u-haul. Thankfully I had the best home teacher in the world and he took me to get a hitch and a ball thingy for my yukon and hooked up the u-haul for me. Now I told myself you can do this as long as you only stop in places that you don't have to back up to get out of. So in other words....I was only driving forwards at all times. Well my plan was working well until I got to Phoenix, yes only 3 hours into my journey. I was on my way to say goodbye to my awesome friends when I took a wrong turn...no biggie I thought I will just go out and go around the block and get back to where I need to be. Ha ha that was until I saw the dead end sign. Yep as my luck has it I turned on a dead end road and needed to turn around. Once again I thought no biggie I will just make a wide turn and be on my way. Ha ha that was until I saw the big school bus parked on half of the road. (It was 10pm why wasn't that dumb bus in a bus barn or something!?!) So I attempted to turn around but to fix it I had to back up the trailer. (I had never pulled a trailer or even attempted to back one up but I watched clint do it a million times all the while telling me how to do it, he made it look so easy) Now in theory I knew what to do but actually getting it to work was another thing. Needless to say after quite a few failed attempts I called Sam and Aaron to come and save me. Aaron comes looks at my situation, laughs at me (I felt the love Aaron) and takes maybe 2 minutes to fix it. What gives!?! Do you have to have testosterone to back up a trailer without jack-knifing or running into anything? So thanks to Aaron I was set right and on my way and yes I went forward the rest of my trip to Idaho.

So in answer to my question I will quickly tell another adventure. Once I got here to Idaho Joy and Clint were moving to a bigger house. So they had a trailer they were borrowing to help them move. Well I had my hitch on so it only made sense that we hook it up to my Yukon. So what does that mean? I got lots of practice pulling a trailer. I got pretty confident with my trailer pulling skills that I didn't even notice it was back there. After bringing home the last load Joy, Valerie and I were going to unload the trailer but that meant it needed to be parked on the driveway and that also meant that it needed to be backed up onto the driveway. It was either back it up or wait for Clint to get home and do it. We talked about it and decided we would try and do it ourselves. Now if any of you know all three of us you can imagine how funny this scene was as it was being played out. I was in the drivers seat, Valerie was out my window and Joy was off the passenger side in the back where I could see her. I think it took me about 5 attempts with Valerie doing some pretty funny arm movements and Joy yelling directions at me even though I can barely hear her. But WE DID IT!!! Yes we did back that trailer onto the driveway and I didn't jack-knife or hit anybody or anything. It was seriously crooked on the driveway but it was there. Of course after we did it we celebrated by screaming, high-fiving and taking pics to document this day in history.

So no you don't have to have testosterone to back up a trailer...you just need practice, courage and some good arm movements and directions being yelled at you!!!!

I like to move it move it

So my first official big decision as a widow was to pack up my kids and sister and move over a thousand miles away from friends and family to the land of Idaho. Yep I know what you are thinking...what was I thinking...right? Well sometimes when you get those gut feelings you just have to roll with them.

With the decision of moving made the next step was packing. Some of you might know this about me but I HATE to pack it is one of the worst things ever. I decided a long time ago that when I become rich and famous I would never pack. If I had to travel I would just take my purse and purchase everything I needed once I got to my destination and then donate it all when it was time for me to come back home. Unfortunately I am not rich and famous and I got the JOY of packing a house of 6 people. I never knew how much bubble wrap was involved in the packing process until I was seriously buying it by the truckload, I think I earned myself some stock in the bubble wrap industry. Now I am excited to unpack everything because I have learned from a friend up here that bubble wrap has some serious de-stressing capabilities...who knew!?!

Anyways so with some amazing friends and family we got the whole dang house packed right down to the wire! Before we started packing I had a stroke of genius (or so I thought) I decided to hire a moving company to move my stuff so I wouldn't have to pull a u-haul because this city girl had never pulled one before. Well it turned out that it was much more hassle than it was worth and to make a long story short (ha ha) I still had to pull a u-haul behind me...what an experience that was!!

So this adventure of packing and moving made me realized that I am NOT moving for a long time...well not after I move to my new house sometime next week! :)

How it all came to be...

Hi I am April, 27 yrs old and yep you guessed it...I am a widow. Welcome to my blog!!!! I really don't know who would want to read about my adventures in this new chapter of my life but since you are here obviously you are interested. This blog will document my adventures IE: things I have never done before, the life of me and my kids, dating (yes I did say that) and whatever else may be thrown my way. I have already had quite a few adventures since Clint passed away so I will catch up on those first before adding the new ones. But before we begin let me give you my spiel on how this all came to be...(warning: I am not the best with grammar and punctuation so please over look that!)

In 1999 the most amazing guy came into my life he was 5'11 (even though he told people 6'0) brown hair, a smile that could light up a room and the most amazing blue eyes I had ever seen. Oh and he was majorly HOT!! We met in choir on his first day of school and he always told people that he fell in love with me that day the moment he heard me sing. We of course began dating right away and it wasn't an easy road for us with parents and all but we dated for almost 2 years then we got married on Feb 16, 2001. We got married in Las Vegas, YES we got married at the Little White Wedding Chapel and NO it wasn't because I was pregnant and we had to elope or whatever crap was spread around that little town. We let our family know where we wanted to get married and invited them along, the only ones that came were his big brother Ryan and his wife Aften and the four of us had a blast!! We then got sealed in the Mesa, AZ Temple exactly one year later on our anniversary. Then came our 4 amazing children: Mathew 2002, Benjamin 2003, Nathan 2006 and Alizabeth 2008. They were the missing pieces of our life and we are truly blessed to have them. Then in March of 2008 everything changed...he got sick. He was sick for a year with what the doctors thought was ulcerative colitis so we started the treatment for that and he got worse and worse. Finally in March of 2009 he was diagnosed with Stage IV Colon Cancer...our world was brought to a halt when they said those words. But we were determined to fight this monster at all costs, so chemo treatments began the next day. Sadly after 9 chemo treatments and a major operation on Sept 25 he told me it was his time to go home. So after he talked and counseled close to 100 different people he passed away on Sept 27, 2009.

It is crazy to think that my whole life: my first love, wedding, sealing, birth of my children, an amazing life and then the death of my eternal companion would happen in 10 years...one whole decade. But that is how it was supposed to be. So now I begin new adventures while I try to guide my 4 children and occasionally my little sister Valerie through this crazy thing called life. I call them adventures because that is the nicest way, any of you who knew Clint as a baby up until he met me know that he had his fair share of "adventures". So know I get to raise his children and deal with their "adventures" on my own (thanks Clint)!! This should be an interesting ride so without any further ado...let the adventures begin!!!!!!!