Firsts

As life goes on you come to realized that you get to experience quite a few firsts in your life. Your first day of school, your first kiss, your first love, the first dance at your wedding, your babies first breath and so on. Once you become a widow you get to experience firsts that aren't always so pleasant but just as memorable. For some reason I have gotten to experience a first of some sort every month since Clint passed, I don't know why I am so fortunate (heavy on the sarcastic side)! So here are a few of my firsts that I have experienced since September...

Halloween: yeah ok how hard can getting your kids dressed up and getting candy be on a new widow? Let me tell you it is harder than you think!! Clint and I had a system down...I would stay home and pass out candy while he took the kids down the street and then we would hop in the car and take them to see every single local family member (insane I know) and try to swing by the trunk or treat at the church. This year I opted out of passing out candy at home and we went to my friend's ward's trunk or treat. It was pretty fun then we went to every single family member's house yet again and we didn't get home until 11pm. Did I cry? Absolutely it was harder than I thought and I kept wishing he was there with me. He would've loved all the kid's costumes this year especially his little princess. But he was there in spirit.

Thanksgiving: you don't really realize how many traditions your family has until the holidays roll around. Thanksgiving wasn't a huge holiday tradition wise for us except for the fact that we usually had it with my mom's family and he always made sure I made my "famous" homemade rolls. This year we spent it at the Spencer's house since we were in Idaho this time and I played the piano to get some of my emotions out. It helped a little bit but all of my emotions came out the next day when it was the 2month anniversary of his death. It hit me harder than the 1 month. That is probably because I was second guessing every decision I made since he died. I had a total and complete melt down. You would think that Black Friday shopping would've helped me but I had to remember all the times he would go with me, that was true love right there!! So yes I had a meltdown but there came someone into my life the next day that helped me find my way again, I will talk about him later.

Christmas: now this is the holiday that we had the most traditions for. I felt a little lost with this one I wasn't even into the Christmas shopping (for those of you who know me know that that is a major red flag) I am a shop-a-holic and I wasn't wanting to shop. Then I would buy the gifts and put them out in the garage. Normally this would be ok because I had Clint to help me wrap them but I wasn't thinking and now I never want to wrap another present again. On Christmas Eve I wrapped and assembled toys until 5am!!!! Now Joy, Clintster and Val were here but they were all wrapping theirs too but we helped each other when we could. I did continue on the tradition of cinnamon rolls and hot chocolate for Christmas Morning. Once again we went to the Spencer's house for dinner and I found solace in the piano. Music can seem to heal all wounds not permanently but temporarily and it helped. But I still missed him so very much.

New Years: This one wasn't so bad because we have been bums on this holiday pretty much our married life. Last year I even fell asleep at 9pm and he had to ring in the new year on his own. This time I danced the night away at a mid-singles new year's eve dance and that really helped keep my mind off of it. I met some amazing people at this dance and I love getting together with them once a month for more dances.

His birthday: this brings us to January. His birthday was the hardest first that I had to face so far. I think it is because it is all about him. I even had his birthday planned before he passed away. We would've gone to Phoenix to watch a Suns game, stayed in a hotel, probably gone to the zoo and absolutely would've eaten at Olive Garden where I would've had the Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo and he would've ordered The Tour of Italy. This day was so hard to function because every time I stopped being "busy" the tears would come. I wanted so bad to be in AZ so I could go sit at his grave and just talk to him but I couldn't. So the kids and I talked about him and wished him a Happy Birthday, he was going to turn 29. We took a trip to AZ that day and when we got there we went to his grave with flowers and saw his headstone and everything felt in place for him.

Today Feb 16th, 2010: Our 9yr wedding anniversary. This might be my toughest first yet. I don't know what is in store for me today but I do know it will be rough. We were married in Las Vegas 9yrs ago and sealed in the Mesa, AZ temple 8yrs ago. We were supposed to go on a cruise this year, even though he isn't here I am still going to follow my heart and go on one in April.

Now I don't tell you all of my firsts to depress you...quite the opposite. I tell you them to uplift you and make you stronger. Our Father in Heaven doesn't give us more than we can handle. He knows our spirits and He knows us. Each one of these have been my stepping stones to greater things. I can now look back and think I faced these firsts head on so bring on the seconds. Life may seem difficult but in retrospect it prepares you and defines you. I tell people that I had to make a choice I could be bitter about this or I could be better. I chose to be better and I hope when you have your stepping stones you will choose to be better as well!!!