Endure to the End

Endure to the End? Some days it seems almost impossible to endure anything much less to the end. So often in life people find themselves bombarded with life and aren't quite sure how to keep going. I have been pondering these words lately especially because of some changes that have happened to us...I know what else is new right? So I decided to google the words and get their definitions for a better understanding and this is what I found...


Endure:
 to regard with acceptance or tolerance endure noisy children

 to undergo (as a hardship) especially without giving in :suffer <endured great pain>                                                       to continue in the same state : last endured for centuries>

 to remain firm under suffering or misfortune without yieldingendure>

To:

used as a function word to indicate movement or an action or condition suggestive of movement toward a place, person, or thing reached to the city> tothe original idea> to lunch>

The:

used as a function word before a noun denoting time to indicate reference to what is present or immediate or is under consideration the future>

End:

a point that marks the extent of something (2) : the point where something ceases to exist end>

*thanks http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary for the definitions*

Wow, so did you learn as much as I did? So basically we have to remain firm always pressing forward towards the point where something ceases to exist. If I understand that correctly we have to DO something not just leisurely waste this life away. I read a really great quote by an Apostle in my church on Enduring to the End, I am going to show you a couple pieces that really hit home to me on this subject.

  

       "Therefore, enduring to the end is not just a matter of passively tolerating life's difficult circumstances or 'hanging in there"..."Enduring to the end is a process filling every minute of our life, every hour, every day, from sunrise to sunrise."  -Dieter F. Uchtdorf

OK so I actually found two quotes that I like, here is the other one...

      "Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!" -Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Basically we have to not be passive, so be actively pressing forward during our trials and also have patience (my favorite "four letter word"). 

During my time as a widow, 2 1/2 years, enduring to the end has seemed almost laughable. I have faced challenges, harsh criticism and more sorrow than you can even imagine and most days I just wanted to throw in the towel and call it quits. But for some reason I can't! I have this desire to endure if not for myself then for my children. I want them to see what enduring to the end is all about. It isn't always a hard thing in fact, it can be one of the most beautiful learning experiences, if we allow it to be.  It can even seem almost easy when we continue "working, hoping and exercising faith". I know we weren't sent here to this earth to fail, even when we feel like all is lost. So keep your chin up, your feet on solid ground and always a prayer in your heart and remember to "Endure to the End!" 

Mama Bear

I need to blog about this or else I am going to explode and people...it isn't going to be pretty!!!  ha ha So...Ben has a really sweet friend. I am so impressed with this little boy's family. His Mom is so sweet, his Dad is a hard worker and they have the same standards that we do. They aren't a part of our church, which doesn't matter to me, but because they have such high standards I assumed they were.  These people have been there to help since we moved here. Well there is a little girl in his class that doesn't like this little boy and goes out of her way to harass him. That isn't my biggest problem, my issue is that this little girl's Mom is also harassing a 7yr old little boy!!!!


This Mom helps out at the school, she helps in the classroom and out in the playground during lunch time. Since her daughter has decided she doesn't like Ben's friend there has been so much going on with this Mom. She yells at the little boy, knocked down his sand castle, tells the kids on the playground not to play with him because he is a bad boy, yells at other kids who don't listen to her and play with him anyways (my son included), blocks this boy's Mom's car in at the school and yells and harasses her. Once after yelling at the boy during lunch time she went in the class right after lunch to help out and he was so scared by her he wet himself. I am sorry but this is as 7yr old little boy how in the world is any of this OK?


You are probably wondering what the parents have done to stop this right? As I said before his Mom is so sweet and timid and she takes the harassment. She did talk to the Principal and the school says they have sent this woman emails and have done all they can do. I am sorry but I send my kids to school to learn and be protected from psychos like this. This is absolutely unacceptable behavior from a school that says they don't allow bullying to happen. This is a grown adult bullying a 7yr old and it needs to stop...period. 


This lady should be glad that she hasn't come across me (I volunteer at the school as well) because Mama Bear would come out and she won't like what I have to say. This little boy and the other kids she has yelled at and intimidated aren't my cubs but they are children that need to be protecting. Some of you may think that I am hearing just one side of the story,from my friend,but I do have another source...my son. The next time he comes home and tells me that he got yelled at by this woman I am marching myself down to that school and there will be hell to pay. 


I wish that schools didn't cater to the people with money and actually put their foot down and protect these kids. 


This isn't the most up-beat, positive post but this is something that is weighing heavily on my heart. I guess what I can do is keep praying for this little boy and his family and be there to support them. I hope that all of you will remember that no matter the differences that we have in the world we were commanded to " Love they neighbor as thyself" and if we can't do this then what good are we teaching our children and doing in the world?

Listen

It seems like there are so many people losing loved ones or maybe since I have lost the love of my life I seem to notice it more now. When you lose someone several things can happen...people can become awkward because they don't know what to say, people say too much without thinking how tactless they are or people you know and love ignore you because they are caught up in their own grief. These things happen because (in my opinion) people avoid talking about grief and death because they think it is taboo...if they acknowledge it it may happen to them. I came across this great poem while at my support group and it is so perfect that I want to share it with the world, so I hope you enjoy it!!

Listen

By: Fran Morgan

If I am pained and come to  you,

Before you speak, consider twice.

"Shoulds" and platitudes won't do

I want your ear, not your advice.

Just listen, friend, and try to hear

Beyond my words...(the stuff I hide)

The outward rage is Oh! so mere

Compared to all the hurt inside.

If you would only say to me,

"That must have been so hard for you."

Instead of tossing off a line like,

"Here's the thing that I would do..."

Tune in to how I feel, my friend,

And hear beyond the words I say.

At times my words may not describe

Emotions deep, held down at  bay.

These deeper feelings kept within

Are journeys words can't take you to

But travel past the things you hear,

Don't say, "Don't let it bother you"

Please try to listen with your heart

Don't seize this chance to criticize,

Or preach to me, or even start

With trite cliches that sermonize.

If you've not walked my lonely road

(I hope you never will, my friend)

Don't try to be my therapist

Or say it's time my grief should end.

Listen! Listen! Be a friend!

Command compassion to your ears

To sift the weight of words I say

And hear unspoken tears and fears

Most times your silence suits me fine,

Or weep with me, that's soothing, too.

To heal this broken heart of mine,

Just LISTEN when I talk to you.

This poem got me thinking about the people that I need to listen a little better too. It really can apply to anytime in life. I remember being told growing up that our Father in Heaven gave us two ears and one mouth, so obviously the ears are doubly important. I hope this poem is something you can carry with you and put to good use.

Why I Do What I Do

This post has been a long time coming...apparently it has been well over a year since I have lost posted something. Not that I haven't had anything to say but I have been busy adjusting to moving yet again and to life here in Utah...yes I said Utah. Yes I have moved 3 different times since Clint passed away 2 years ago, it has been very hard to find my place in this world without him. We have been in Utah for a year now and do love it here though I really miss my family. Anyways back to the post at hand...


I have been very observant lately of "grown up" who have come from single parent families and how much I hope and pray my kids don't turn out like some the people I have seen. Some people may not agree with my parenting but I am just carrying on with what Clint and I decided. Here are a few things that we work on in our house...


1. Take Responsibility- I have seen so many people in this world try to blame others for their circumstances and in all actuality everything that "happens to them" is their responsibility. So if my kids spill their milk they need to take responsibility for it and clean it up...Alizabeth tried to tell me that her cereal bowl spilled itself and tried to get out of cleaning it up but after a quick chat she realized that it was her fault and dealt with it. Sometimes we just have to suck it up and face the consequences to our actions.


2. Show Respect- this is one thing that drives me up the wall. Yes you have your opinion and you are entitled to your opinion but say it in a way that still shows respect to the person you are talking to. It seems to me that more and more people are disrespectful which causes so many problems. I think I say this at least 20 times a day "please be more respectful to your brother/sister". Respect is something that will be help them get ahead in this world.


3. Chores Without Pay- yeah ok so people need a work ethic right? So how are kids supposed to know how to work if they don't get any work. I know a lady who grew up with a house keeper and now as a grown woman hates that fact because she doesn't know how to keep a house. Why without pay? Well do I get paid to clean the house? Nope, not a cent. Everyone dirties the house so everyone can pitch in and get it clean...it helps my kids learn how to be a team player. 


4. Serve Others- Clint was very much into service. His dream was to be able to help people that couldn't afford Christmas presents, school clothes, or anything else that they may be struggling with. So we started early and got our kids into the habit of helping others. Their most favorite thing to do is make goodies and drop them off to people. It may seem like a small thing but it is the fact that they are learning to give. Clint always said "when your troubles are too hard to shoulder on your own, serve others and they will feel lighter".  I am also trying to teach them that serving others doesn't just have to happen outside of the home, if you can serve your siblings you can serve anybody.


5. Be an Example- I am pretty sure that I tell this to my kids every day as they walk out the door. I don't think it matters what religion you belong to, but you should always strive to be the best so that people will want to be like you. I remember the people growing up that have been examples to me and still to this day I want to do things to be like them and bring pride to their memories. 


Some days it feels like trying to get my kids to accomplish  these things may never happen because it is 4 against 1 but I hope that Clint is on the other side pushing them right along. I think if I can get them to master at least one of these things they will make a contribution to the world and make it a little brighter and we will see a ripple effect from it...them touching one person's life who touches another person and so on...I hope that maybe, just maybe if I happen to stay single all the rest of my life that people can look at my kids and say "Wow, they don't fit the "single parent home" mold". I know we have a ways to go but I have to keep telling myself it will be worth doing what I do!!

Playing Catch Up

So the point of having this blog was so that I could talk about my life as a widow and the things that I have done plus it has served as a "journal" and I figured one day I can go back and print them off and put them in a binder for my family to read. Anyways there came a point in my life that the computer that I was using as as slow as molasses and I couldn't blog. So please forgive me for the next little while as I play catch up on my life, unless something big happens (which is extremely doubtful).

I believe I left off talking about a date I went on or something like that...so let's jump to May...the beginning of summer!!

There was a pretty big occasion that happened in our family in May, Mathew, my oldest child turned 8!!!! It was such an exciting/hard time. In my religion once a child turns 8 they can get baptized into our church. The Baptism is usually performed by the Dad, so now you can see why it was so hard. We were planning a trip to Arizona to spend some time there for the summer and so I planned on Mathew getting Baptized in Arizona, we would definitely have more family be able to be there if we did it in Arizona anyways.

As soon as school let out the kids and I hit the road. This was a pretty big event in and of itself because this was the first time I had ever driven that far on my own with all 4 kids. I was pretty nervous and was praying so much that we would get there without any trouble...with the car or the kids! I asked my friend Wid for some advice since he had done it on his own before, I did exactly what he said and the drive went so smoothly! We did the drive in one straight 12hr shot but I doubt that it only took us 12hrs, I am sure it was longer, needless to say we were all pretty happy to get there.

I faced some challenges when it came to planning his Baptism...like I said normally the Dad would do the Baptism and Confirmation but since that wasn't an option several people felt like they should be the ones to Baptize him. But that wasn't how I saw it, I helped Mathew come up with a list of people that could Baptize him and a month before his Birthday he was going over the list to pick the one he wanted. He was looking for the person that reminded him the most of his Dad and that Mathew had a good relationship with and who he looked up to. I wasn't surprised at all with his choice, he chose our Bishop/Good friend to his Dad...Bishop Taylor. Our family and the Taylor family have such a strong connection and Bishop Taylor had been such an influence on Mathew, heck our whole family...Alizabeth calls our new Bishop, Bishop Taylor so I guess he will always be a part of our family.

Anyways Mathew's Baptism  was set for a few days after we arrived. I ran around like a crazy person getting the program for the Baptism done, securing a place for a BBQ and swimming party afterwards and practicing the song Mathew asked me to sing at his Baptism. I was so nervous about facing this day alone, I wished with all of my heart that Clint was there with me. The Baptism was perfect, my song was pretty good, Mathew looked so grown up in his new suit and yes I felt Clint's presence there so strongly. I am sure everyone there could, Bishop Taylor even choked up when Baptizing him. I know that when our loved ones leave this life that they don't leave us completely, they will always be there when we need them, especially on big days like this. It was an amazing day and I am thankful for the friends and family members that showed up to give support to Mathew on his special day!!

I think it was the following week I finally got some time to go check out the new Temple they built not far from my old house, the Temple is called the Gila Valley Temple and it was built in Central, AZ. It is absolutely gorgeous!!!! I couldn't stop staring at the beauty of it. Before I went I prayed about a decision that was weighing heavily on my mind, I know that I blogged about this question and even after I did I still didn't really have an answer. I wanted to know if I should stay in Idaho or move back to Arizona. I had quite a few reasons to leave ID but I just bought a house and my kids seemed happy there. Honestly, I loved living there and I made some amazing friends but I never felt "at home" come to think of it the last time I felt "at home" anywhere was before Clint passed away, once he was gone so was my home. I was ready to feel "at home" again but I didn't know where that was supposed to be at. I hated the idea of moving my kids again but I knew something needed to happen...either move or have a change of heart and finally feel "at home" in ID. So I prayed and prayed and prayed and I finally got my answer on a beautiful summer day in the Gila Valley Temple the answer was...to move back to Arizona.

Dreams don't always come true...and its ok!!

I have often dreamed about this day trying to figure out how it would be spent. Would I finally get that trip to Italy that I have dreamed about, be whisked off to Hawaii, go on that Alaskan cruise, splurge on floor seats for a Phoenix SUNS game, be surprised with the giant rock of a diamond I was promised, take a weekend trip to Las Vegas, send the kids to my mom, shut off our phones and ignore the world for a weekend, take that trip to a bed and breakfast somewhere in the White Mountains that we talked about doing almost every year, have an "April" week where I could do whatever I wanted, and so much more?? I have no idea what would've been on this day but I do know this...Clint would've given me the biggest surprise of my life and I would've loved every minute with him.


I am sure you are wondering what day I am describing here well...today...February 16, 2011 would've been our 10 year wedding anniversary. Ten years ago we loaded up in a rental car with his brother Ryan and sister-in-law Aften and set out to Vegas. We did this among much protest and Clint told me once that he was glad we went to Vegas instead of getting married in a church with people who weren't happy that we were getting married. We have always done things our own way and wouldn't ever change them.

Anyways we got to Vegas and went to check into our hotel, The Aladdin, and they wouldn't let us get the rooms because we weren't 21 yet, thankfully they let us transfer the rooms into Ryan's name. We got to our rooms and started calling around for a wedding chapel we decided on The Little White Wedding Chapel, though I am not sure why we picked that one and with Aften's help I got transformed into a beautiful bride. The limo picked us up and took us to the court house to get our marriage certificate and then off to the chapel. Sadly it was an extra $100 to have Elvis marry us so we got a minister from a church down the road. The service was short, sweet and to the point. I told Clint before we left AZ to get his ring sized but he said no it should fit. Well when it came time for me to put it on his finger IT WOULDN'T GO ON!! In our wedding video you can see me shoot him the "I told you so" look as I shove the ring on his finger. Afterwards we went outside and took pictures and we got back in the limo and the driver said "Well you are a quiet crowd for just getting married" I told her that I needed some caffeine because I had a headache so she pulled into a gas station so Clint could get me some Dr. Pepper!! We stayed one night in The Aladdin and the next day the 4 of us hit Vegas for some sight seeing and we had such a blast. We ate at a buffet, took 7 rolls of pictures, Ryan almost got pick-pocketed, played in an arcade and saw just about everything there was to see on the strip. Then we loaded up in the car and decided to make one more stop before heading home...we went to see the Las Vegas temple. It truly is a beacon on a hill, it was amazing the peace and quiet that was there as it over looks "sin city". They took some pics of the temple and we headed home where our second night as a married couple we slept in the back seat of a Chrysler Seabring on the side of a road somewhere.

That was a shortened version of our wedding in Las Vegas 10 years ago. Exactly one year later we got sealed in the Mesa Temple. When that happens you are married for TIME AND ALL ETERNITY... NOT AND/OR ETERNITY. So as I look back on my wedding and all the dreams I had for this 10 year anniversary one thing is clear...I am married to him for time and all eternity but my time with him is over. Our time here on Earth is complete but I know without a shadow of a doubt that he wants me to eventually be married again (ask my sister Robin she can tell you how she knows for sure). He wants me to find a man that can help raise and guide our kids throughout this life since he can't be here and he knows that in the grand scheme of things our time here on earth is but a small blip and he knows that we have all eternity ahead of us.

So yes, dreams don't always come true or turn out the way you hoped but just know that it is OK but there is a plan already set out for us and while we may not understand now we will understand one day!!!

What is my legacy?

I have been thinking a lot this past month or so about what we leave behind when it is our time to go. Some people might think that kind of thinking is a bit morbid but after joining this "club" you start to look at death in a different light. Clint used to carry around a quote in his wallet that said "The only things you can take with you when you go is your relationships and your knowledge, everything else doesn't matter." I agree with that quote but I also disagree. What about the people left behind? How will they remember you?

So...what do you leave behind? How will they remember you? Basically you leave behind a legacy. I believe that everyone leaves a legacy behind...from a baby who dies before they are born to a person who lives 200 years...we all touch someone in some way.  What is the definition of a legacy? Good ol' Webster says "something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past (the legacy of the ancient philosophers)" For example: He left his children a legacy of love and respect.

Clint's birthday was yesterday and last night I was thinking of his legacy. His legacy would be service, hard work and love. His biggest goal in life was to become financially set so he could help others who needed it. He was always moving people in and out of our ward. His most favorite Family Home Evening was to make cookies and go take them to people. One year, probably about 6 years ago, he came up with The Halloween Phantom. He came up with a poem basically about serving others and my sister drew a ghost that the poem sat in. We took the ghost put it on a plate of cookies and took it to 5 families who were supposed to do the same thing to 5 other families. Once night a week or so later someone did the Phantom to our house and he just grinned thinking about all the other families getting cookies. He worked hard for everything in life. When we were newly married he got laid off a construction job because he put the way ahead of schedule. He was without a job for a week or so until our landlord got him a job on a ranch. He had to go paint fences out in the snow, they were so impressed with him that once he found a job they practically begged him to stay. He also loved every person he came across, I have never seen someone give so much unconditional love before. I never realized how many people he touched until his last day in the hospital. I couldn't believe how many people came to say goodbye to him.  As I reflected on his legacy I realized how proud of him I am and how proud of him our children are. His legacy truly is amazing.

After thinking about Clint's legacy last night, I started thinking about mine. Am I living the way I want my kids to remember? I honestly don't know. They know I have a testimony and a passion for music. But I am not sure that right now my legacy is strong enough for them. I think I have some work to do in this area. Life is short, you never know when you will be called home...I think it is time to live to be a better person so that when it is my time my kids will be proud of me.

So I guess it is time to ask yourself...what is my legacy?