I need to blog about this or else I am going to explode and people...it isn't going to be pretty!!! ha ha So...Ben has a really sweet friend. I am so impressed with this little boy's family. His Mom is so sweet, his Dad is a hard worker and they have the same standards that we do. They aren't a part of our church, which doesn't matter to me, but because they have such high standards I assumed they were. These people have been there to help since we moved here. Well there is a little girl in his class that doesn't like this little boy and goes out of her way to harass him. That isn't my biggest problem, my issue is that this little girl's Mom is also harassing a 7yr old little boy!!!!
This Mom helps out at the school, she helps in the classroom and out in the playground during lunch time. Since her daughter has decided she doesn't like Ben's friend there has been so much going on with this Mom. She yells at the little boy, knocked down his sand castle, tells the kids on the playground not to play with him because he is a bad boy, yells at other kids who don't listen to her and play with him anyways (my son included), blocks this boy's Mom's car in at the school and yells and harasses her. Once after yelling at the boy during lunch time she went in the class right after lunch to help out and he was so scared by her he wet himself. I am sorry but this is as 7yr old little boy how in the world is any of this OK?
You are probably wondering what the parents have done to stop this right? As I said before his Mom is so sweet and timid and she takes the harassment. She did talk to the Principal and the school says they have sent this woman emails and have done all they can do. I am sorry but I send my kids to school to learn and be protected from psychos like this. This is absolutely unacceptable behavior from a school that says they don't allow bullying to happen. This is a grown adult bullying a 7yr old and it needs to stop...period.
This lady should be glad that she hasn't come across me (I volunteer at the school as well) because Mama Bear would come out and she won't like what I have to say. This little boy and the other kids she has yelled at and intimidated aren't my cubs but they are children that need to be protecting. Some of you may think that I am hearing just one side of the story,from my friend,but I do have another source...my son. The next time he comes home and tells me that he got yelled at by this woman I am marching myself down to that school and there will be hell to pay.
I wish that schools didn't cater to the people with money and actually put their foot down and protect these kids.
This isn't the most up-beat, positive post but this is something that is weighing heavily on my heart. I guess what I can do is keep praying for this little boy and his family and be there to support them. I hope that all of you will remember that no matter the differences that we have in the world we were commanded to " Love they neighbor as thyself" and if we can't do this then what good are we teaching our children and doing in the world?
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Listen
It seems like there are so many people losing loved ones or maybe since I have lost the love of my life I seem to notice it more now. When you lose someone several things can happen...people can become awkward because they don't know what to say, people say too much without thinking how tactless they are or people you know and love ignore you because they are caught up in their own grief. These things happen because (in my opinion) people avoid talking about grief and death because they think it is taboo...if they acknowledge it it may happen to them. I came across this great poem while at my support group and it is so perfect that I want to share it with the world, so I hope you enjoy it!!
Listen
By: Fran Morgan
If I am pained and come to you,
Before you speak, consider twice.
"Shoulds" and platitudes won't do
I want your ear, not your advice.
Just listen, friend, and try to hear
Beyond my words...(the stuff I hide)
The outward rage is Oh! so mere
Compared to all the hurt inside.
If you would only say to me,
"That must have been so hard for you."
Instead of tossing off a line like,
"Here's the thing that I would do..."
Tune in to how I feel, my friend,
And hear beyond the words I say.
At times my words may not describe
Emotions deep, held down at bay.
These deeper feelings kept within
Are journeys words can't take you to
But travel past the things you hear,
Don't say, "Don't let it bother you"
Please try to listen with your heart
Don't seize this chance to criticize,
Or preach to me, or even start
With trite cliches that sermonize.
If you've not walked my lonely road
(I hope you never will, my friend)
Don't try to be my therapist
Or say it's time my grief should end.
Listen! Listen! Be a friend!
Command compassion to your ears
To sift the weight of words I say
And hear unspoken tears and fears
Most times your silence suits me fine,
Or weep with me, that's soothing, too.
To heal this broken heart of mine,
Just LISTEN when I talk to you.
This poem got me thinking about the people that I need to listen a little better too. It really can apply to anytime in life. I remember being told growing up that our Father in Heaven gave us two ears and one mouth, so obviously the ears are doubly important. I hope this poem is something you can carry with you and put to good use.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Why I Do What I Do
This post has been a long time coming...apparently it has been well over a year since I have lost posted something. Not that I haven't had anything to say but I have been busy adjusting to moving yet again and to life here in Utah...yes I said Utah. Yes I have moved 3 different times since Clint passed away 2 years ago, it has been very hard to find my place in this world without him. We have been in Utah for a year now and do love it here though I really miss my family. Anyways back to the post at hand...
I have been very observant lately of "grown up" who have come from single parent families and how much I hope and pray my kids don't turn out like some the people I have seen. Some people may not agree with my parenting but I am just carrying on with what Clint and I decided. Here are a few things that we work on in our house...
1. Take Responsibility- I have seen so many people in this world try to blame others for their circumstances and in all actuality everything that "happens to them" is their responsibility. So if my kids spill their milk they need to take responsibility for it and clean it up...Alizabeth tried to tell me that her cereal bowl spilled itself and tried to get out of cleaning it up but after a quick chat she realized that it was her fault and dealt with it. Sometimes we just have to suck it up and face the consequences to our actions.
2. Show Respect- this is one thing that drives me up the wall. Yes you have your opinion and you are entitled to your opinion but say it in a way that still shows respect to the person you are talking to. It seems to me that more and more people are disrespectful which causes so many problems. I think I say this at least 20 times a day "please be more respectful to your brother/sister". Respect is something that will be help them get ahead in this world.
3. Chores Without Pay- yeah ok so people need a work ethic right? So how are kids supposed to know how to work if they don't get any work. I know a lady who grew up with a house keeper and now as a grown woman hates that fact because she doesn't know how to keep a house. Why without pay? Well do I get paid to clean the house? Nope, not a cent. Everyone dirties the house so everyone can pitch in and get it clean...it helps my kids learn how to be a team player.
4. Serve Others- Clint was very much into service. His dream was to be able to help people that couldn't afford Christmas presents, school clothes, or anything else that they may be struggling with. So we started early and got our kids into the habit of helping others. Their most favorite thing to do is make goodies and drop them off to people. It may seem like a small thing but it is the fact that they are learning to give. Clint always said "when your troubles are too hard to shoulder on your own, serve others and they will feel lighter". I am also trying to teach them that serving others doesn't just have to happen outside of the home, if you can serve your siblings you can serve anybody.
5. Be an Example- I am pretty sure that I tell this to my kids every day as they walk out the door. I don't think it matters what religion you belong to, but you should always strive to be the best so that people will want to be like you. I remember the people growing up that have been examples to me and still to this day I want to do things to be like them and bring pride to their memories.
Some days it feels like trying to get my kids to accomplish these things may never happen because it is 4 against 1 but I hope that Clint is on the other side pushing them right along. I think if I can get them to master at least one of these things they will make a contribution to the world and make it a little brighter and we will see a ripple effect from it...them touching one person's life who touches another person and so on...I hope that maybe, just maybe if I happen to stay single all the rest of my life that people can look at my kids and say "Wow, they don't fit the "single parent home" mold". I know we have a ways to go but I have to keep telling myself it will be worth doing what I do!!
I have been very observant lately of "grown up" who have come from single parent families and how much I hope and pray my kids don't turn out like some the people I have seen. Some people may not agree with my parenting but I am just carrying on with what Clint and I decided. Here are a few things that we work on in our house...
1. Take Responsibility- I have seen so many people in this world try to blame others for their circumstances and in all actuality everything that "happens to them" is their responsibility. So if my kids spill their milk they need to take responsibility for it and clean it up...Alizabeth tried to tell me that her cereal bowl spilled itself and tried to get out of cleaning it up but after a quick chat she realized that it was her fault and dealt with it. Sometimes we just have to suck it up and face the consequences to our actions.
2. Show Respect- this is one thing that drives me up the wall. Yes you have your opinion and you are entitled to your opinion but say it in a way that still shows respect to the person you are talking to. It seems to me that more and more people are disrespectful which causes so many problems. I think I say this at least 20 times a day "please be more respectful to your brother/sister". Respect is something that will be help them get ahead in this world.
3. Chores Without Pay- yeah ok so people need a work ethic right? So how are kids supposed to know how to work if they don't get any work. I know a lady who grew up with a house keeper and now as a grown woman hates that fact because she doesn't know how to keep a house. Why without pay? Well do I get paid to clean the house? Nope, not a cent. Everyone dirties the house so everyone can pitch in and get it clean...it helps my kids learn how to be a team player.
4. Serve Others- Clint was very much into service. His dream was to be able to help people that couldn't afford Christmas presents, school clothes, or anything else that they may be struggling with. So we started early and got our kids into the habit of helping others. Their most favorite thing to do is make goodies and drop them off to people. It may seem like a small thing but it is the fact that they are learning to give. Clint always said "when your troubles are too hard to shoulder on your own, serve others and they will feel lighter". I am also trying to teach them that serving others doesn't just have to happen outside of the home, if you can serve your siblings you can serve anybody.
5. Be an Example- I am pretty sure that I tell this to my kids every day as they walk out the door. I don't think it matters what religion you belong to, but you should always strive to be the best so that people will want to be like you. I remember the people growing up that have been examples to me and still to this day I want to do things to be like them and bring pride to their memories.
Some days it feels like trying to get my kids to accomplish these things may never happen because it is 4 against 1 but I hope that Clint is on the other side pushing them right along. I think if I can get them to master at least one of these things they will make a contribution to the world and make it a little brighter and we will see a ripple effect from it...them touching one person's life who touches another person and so on...I hope that maybe, just maybe if I happen to stay single all the rest of my life that people can look at my kids and say "Wow, they don't fit the "single parent home" mold". I know we have a ways to go but I have to keep telling myself it will be worth doing what I do!!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Playing Catch Up
So the point of having this blog was so that I could talk about my life as a widow and the things that I have done plus it has served as a "journal" and I figured one day I can go back and print them off and put them in a binder for my family to read. Anyways there came a point in my life that the computer that I was using as as slow as molasses and I couldn't blog. So please forgive me for the next little while as I play catch up on my life, unless something big happens (which is extremely doubtful).
I believe I left off talking about a date I went on or something like that...so let's jump to May...the beginning of summer!!
There was a pretty big occasion that happened in our family in May, Mathew, my oldest child turned 8!!!! It was such an exciting/hard time. In my religion once a child turns 8 they can get baptized into our church. The Baptism is usually performed by the Dad, so now you can see why it was so hard. We were planning a trip to Arizona to spend some time there for the summer and so I planned on Mathew getting Baptized in Arizona, we would definitely have more family be able to be there if we did it in Arizona anyways.
As soon as school let out the kids and I hit the road. This was a pretty big event in and of itself because this was the first time I had ever driven that far on my own with all 4 kids. I was pretty nervous and was praying so much that we would get there without any trouble...with the car or the kids! I asked my friend Wid for some advice since he had done it on his own before, I did exactly what he said and the drive went so smoothly! We did the drive in one straight 12hr shot but I doubt that it only took us 12hrs, I am sure it was longer, needless to say we were all pretty happy to get there.
I faced some challenges when it came to planning his Baptism...like I said normally the Dad would do the Baptism and Confirmation but since that wasn't an option several people felt like they should be the ones to Baptize him. But that wasn't how I saw it, I helped Mathew come up with a list of people that could Baptize him and a month before his Birthday he was going over the list to pick the one he wanted. He was looking for the person that reminded him the most of his Dad and that Mathew had a good relationship with and who he looked up to. I wasn't surprised at all with his choice, he chose our Bishop/Good friend to his Dad...Bishop Taylor. Our family and the Taylor family have such a strong connection and Bishop Taylor had been such an influence on Mathew, heck our whole family...Alizabeth calls our new Bishop, Bishop Taylor so I guess he will always be a part of our family.
Anyways Mathew's Baptism was set for a few days after we arrived. I ran around like a crazy person getting the program for the Baptism done, securing a place for a BBQ and swimming party afterwards and practicing the song Mathew asked me to sing at his Baptism. I was so nervous about facing this day alone, I wished with all of my heart that Clint was there with me. The Baptism was perfect, my song was pretty good, Mathew looked so grown up in his new suit and yes I felt Clint's presence there so strongly. I am sure everyone there could, Bishop Taylor even choked up when Baptizing him. I know that when our loved ones leave this life that they don't leave us completely, they will always be there when we need them, especially on big days like this. It was an amazing day and I am thankful for the friends and family members that showed up to give support to Mathew on his special day!!
I think it was the following week I finally got some time to go check out the new Temple they built not far from my old house, the Temple is called the Gila Valley Temple and it was built in Central, AZ. It is absolutely gorgeous!!!! I couldn't stop staring at the beauty of it. Before I went I prayed about a decision that was weighing heavily on my mind, I know that I blogged about this question and even after I did I still didn't really have an answer. I wanted to know if I should stay in Idaho or move back to Arizona. I had quite a few reasons to leave ID but I just bought a house and my kids seemed happy there. Honestly, I loved living there and I made some amazing friends but I never felt "at home" come to think of it the last time I felt "at home" anywhere was before Clint passed away, once he was gone so was my home. I was ready to feel "at home" again but I didn't know where that was supposed to be at. I hated the idea of moving my kids again but I knew something needed to happen...either move or have a change of heart and finally feel "at home" in ID. So I prayed and prayed and prayed and I finally got my answer on a beautiful summer day in the Gila Valley Temple the answer was...to move back to Arizona.
I believe I left off talking about a date I went on or something like that...so let's jump to May...the beginning of summer!!
There was a pretty big occasion that happened in our family in May, Mathew, my oldest child turned 8!!!! It was such an exciting/hard time. In my religion once a child turns 8 they can get baptized into our church. The Baptism is usually performed by the Dad, so now you can see why it was so hard. We were planning a trip to Arizona to spend some time there for the summer and so I planned on Mathew getting Baptized in Arizona, we would definitely have more family be able to be there if we did it in Arizona anyways.
As soon as school let out the kids and I hit the road. This was a pretty big event in and of itself because this was the first time I had ever driven that far on my own with all 4 kids. I was pretty nervous and was praying so much that we would get there without any trouble...with the car or the kids! I asked my friend Wid for some advice since he had done it on his own before, I did exactly what he said and the drive went so smoothly! We did the drive in one straight 12hr shot but I doubt that it only took us 12hrs, I am sure it was longer, needless to say we were all pretty happy to get there.
I faced some challenges when it came to planning his Baptism...like I said normally the Dad would do the Baptism and Confirmation but since that wasn't an option several people felt like they should be the ones to Baptize him. But that wasn't how I saw it, I helped Mathew come up with a list of people that could Baptize him and a month before his Birthday he was going over the list to pick the one he wanted. He was looking for the person that reminded him the most of his Dad and that Mathew had a good relationship with and who he looked up to. I wasn't surprised at all with his choice, he chose our Bishop/Good friend to his Dad...Bishop Taylor. Our family and the Taylor family have such a strong connection and Bishop Taylor had been such an influence on Mathew, heck our whole family...Alizabeth calls our new Bishop, Bishop Taylor so I guess he will always be a part of our family.
Anyways Mathew's Baptism was set for a few days after we arrived. I ran around like a crazy person getting the program for the Baptism done, securing a place for a BBQ and swimming party afterwards and practicing the song Mathew asked me to sing at his Baptism. I was so nervous about facing this day alone, I wished with all of my heart that Clint was there with me. The Baptism was perfect, my song was pretty good, Mathew looked so grown up in his new suit and yes I felt Clint's presence there so strongly. I am sure everyone there could, Bishop Taylor even choked up when Baptizing him. I know that when our loved ones leave this life that they don't leave us completely, they will always be there when we need them, especially on big days like this. It was an amazing day and I am thankful for the friends and family members that showed up to give support to Mathew on his special day!!
I think it was the following week I finally got some time to go check out the new Temple they built not far from my old house, the Temple is called the Gila Valley Temple and it was built in Central, AZ. It is absolutely gorgeous!!!! I couldn't stop staring at the beauty of it. Before I went I prayed about a decision that was weighing heavily on my mind, I know that I blogged about this question and even after I did I still didn't really have an answer. I wanted to know if I should stay in Idaho or move back to Arizona. I had quite a few reasons to leave ID but I just bought a house and my kids seemed happy there. Honestly, I loved living there and I made some amazing friends but I never felt "at home" come to think of it the last time I felt "at home" anywhere was before Clint passed away, once he was gone so was my home. I was ready to feel "at home" again but I didn't know where that was supposed to be at. I hated the idea of moving my kids again but I knew something needed to happen...either move or have a change of heart and finally feel "at home" in ID. So I prayed and prayed and prayed and I finally got my answer on a beautiful summer day in the Gila Valley Temple the answer was...to move back to Arizona.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Dreams don't always come true...and its ok!!
I have often dreamed about this day trying to figure out how it would be spent. Would I finally get that trip to Italy that I have dreamed about, be whisked off to Hawaii, go on that Alaskan cruise, splurge on floor seats for a Phoenix SUNS game, be surprised with the giant rock of a diamond I was promised, take a weekend trip to Las Vegas, send the kids to my mom, shut off our phones and ignore the world for a weekend, take that trip to a bed and breakfast somewhere in the White Mountains that we talked about doing almost every year, have an "April" week where I could do whatever I wanted, and so much more?? I have no idea what would've been on this day but I do know this...Clint would've given me the biggest surprise of my life and I would've loved every minute with him.
I am sure you are wondering what day I am describing here well...today...February 16, 2011 would've been our 10 year wedding anniversary. Ten years ago we loaded up in a rental car with his brother Ryan and sister-in-law Aften and set out to Vegas. We did this among much protest and Clint told me once that he was glad we went to Vegas instead of getting married in a church with people who weren't happy that we were getting married. We have always done things our own way and wouldn't ever change them.
Anyways we got to Vegas and went to check into our hotel, The Aladdin, and they wouldn't let us get the rooms because we weren't 21 yet, thankfully they let us transfer the rooms into Ryan's name. We got to our rooms and started calling around for a wedding chapel we decided on The Little White Wedding Chapel, though I am not sure why we picked that one and with Aften's help I got transformed into a beautiful bride. The limo picked us up and took us to the court house to get our marriage certificate and then off to the chapel. Sadly it was an extra $100 to have Elvis marry us so we got a minister from a church down the road. The service was short, sweet and to the point. I told Clint before we left AZ to get his ring sized but he said no it should fit. Well when it came time for me to put it on his finger IT WOULDN'T GO ON!! In our wedding video you can see me shoot him the "I told you so" look as I shove the ring on his finger. Afterwards we went outside and took pictures and we got back in the limo and the driver said "Well you are a quiet crowd for just getting married" I told her that I needed some caffeine because I had a headache so she pulled into a gas station so Clint could get me some Dr. Pepper!! We stayed one night in The Aladdin and the next day the 4 of us hit Vegas for some sight seeing and we had such a blast. We ate at a buffet, took 7 rolls of pictures, Ryan almost got pick-pocketed, played in an arcade and saw just about everything there was to see on the strip. Then we loaded up in the car and decided to make one more stop before heading home...we went to see the Las Vegas temple. It truly is a beacon on a hill, it was amazing the peace and quiet that was there as it over looks "sin city". They took some pics of the temple and we headed home where our second night as a married couple we slept in the back seat of a Chrysler Seabring on the side of a road somewhere.
That was a shortened version of our wedding in Las Vegas 10 years ago. Exactly one year later we got sealed in the Mesa Temple. When that happens you are married for TIME AND ALL ETERNITY... NOT AND/OR ETERNITY. So as I look back on my wedding and all the dreams I had for this 10 year anniversary one thing is clear...I am married to him for time and all eternity but my time with him is over. Our time here on Earth is complete but I know without a shadow of a doubt that he wants me to eventually be married again (ask my sister Robin she can tell you how she knows for sure). He wants me to find a man that can help raise and guide our kids throughout this life since he can't be here and he knows that in the grand scheme of things our time here on earth is but a small blip and he knows that we have all eternity ahead of us.
So yes, dreams don't always come true or turn out the way you hoped but just know that it is OK but there is a plan already set out for us and while we may not understand now we will understand one day!!!
I am sure you are wondering what day I am describing here well...today...February 16, 2011 would've been our 10 year wedding anniversary. Ten years ago we loaded up in a rental car with his brother Ryan and sister-in-law Aften and set out to Vegas. We did this among much protest and Clint told me once that he was glad we went to Vegas instead of getting married in a church with people who weren't happy that we were getting married. We have always done things our own way and wouldn't ever change them.
Anyways we got to Vegas and went to check into our hotel, The Aladdin, and they wouldn't let us get the rooms because we weren't 21 yet, thankfully they let us transfer the rooms into Ryan's name. We got to our rooms and started calling around for a wedding chapel we decided on The Little White Wedding Chapel, though I am not sure why we picked that one and with Aften's help I got transformed into a beautiful bride. The limo picked us up and took us to the court house to get our marriage certificate and then off to the chapel. Sadly it was an extra $100 to have Elvis marry us so we got a minister from a church down the road. The service was short, sweet and to the point. I told Clint before we left AZ to get his ring sized but he said no it should fit. Well when it came time for me to put it on his finger IT WOULDN'T GO ON!! In our wedding video you can see me shoot him the "I told you so" look as I shove the ring on his finger. Afterwards we went outside and took pictures and we got back in the limo and the driver said "Well you are a quiet crowd for just getting married" I told her that I needed some caffeine because I had a headache so she pulled into a gas station so Clint could get me some Dr. Pepper!! We stayed one night in The Aladdin and the next day the 4 of us hit Vegas for some sight seeing and we had such a blast. We ate at a buffet, took 7 rolls of pictures, Ryan almost got pick-pocketed, played in an arcade and saw just about everything there was to see on the strip. Then we loaded up in the car and decided to make one more stop before heading home...we went to see the Las Vegas temple. It truly is a beacon on a hill, it was amazing the peace and quiet that was there as it over looks "sin city". They took some pics of the temple and we headed home where our second night as a married couple we slept in the back seat of a Chrysler Seabring on the side of a road somewhere.
That was a shortened version of our wedding in Las Vegas 10 years ago. Exactly one year later we got sealed in the Mesa Temple. When that happens you are married for TIME AND ALL ETERNITY... NOT AND/OR ETERNITY. So as I look back on my wedding and all the dreams I had for this 10 year anniversary one thing is clear...I am married to him for time and all eternity but my time with him is over. Our time here on Earth is complete but I know without a shadow of a doubt that he wants me to eventually be married again (ask my sister Robin she can tell you how she knows for sure). He wants me to find a man that can help raise and guide our kids throughout this life since he can't be here and he knows that in the grand scheme of things our time here on earth is but a small blip and he knows that we have all eternity ahead of us.
So yes, dreams don't always come true or turn out the way you hoped but just know that it is OK but there is a plan already set out for us and while we may not understand now we will understand one day!!!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
What is my legacy?
I have been thinking a lot this past month or so about what we leave behind when it is our time to go. Some people might think that kind of thinking is a bit morbid but after joining this "club" you start to look at death in a different light. Clint used to carry around a quote in his wallet that said "The only things you can take with you when you go is your relationships and your knowledge, everything else doesn't matter." I agree with that quote but I also disagree. What about the people left behind? How will they remember you?
So...what do you leave behind? How will they remember you? Basically you leave behind a legacy. I believe that everyone leaves a legacy behind...from a baby who dies before they are born to a person who lives 200 years...we all touch someone in some way. What is the definition of a legacy? Good ol' Webster says "something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past (the legacy of the ancient philosophers)" For example: He left his children a legacy of love and respect.
Clint's birthday was yesterday and last night I was thinking of his legacy. His legacy would be service, hard work and love. His biggest goal in life was to become financially set so he could help others who needed it. He was always moving people in and out of our ward. His most favorite Family Home Evening was to make cookies and go take them to people. One year, probably about 6 years ago, he came up with The Halloween Phantom. He came up with a poem basically about serving others and my sister drew a ghost that the poem sat in. We took the ghost put it on a plate of cookies and took it to 5 families who were supposed to do the same thing to 5 other families. Once night a week or so later someone did the Phantom to our house and he just grinned thinking about all the other families getting cookies. He worked hard for everything in life. When we were newly married he got laid off a construction job because he put the way ahead of schedule. He was without a job for a week or so until our landlord got him a job on a ranch. He had to go paint fences out in the snow, they were so impressed with him that once he found a job they practically begged him to stay. He also loved every person he came across, I have never seen someone give so much unconditional love before. I never realized how many people he touched until his last day in the hospital. I couldn't believe how many people came to say goodbye to him. As I reflected on his legacy I realized how proud of him I am and how proud of him our children are. His legacy truly is amazing.
After thinking about Clint's legacy last night, I started thinking about mine. Am I living the way I want my kids to remember? I honestly don't know. They know I have a testimony and a passion for music. But I am not sure that right now my legacy is strong enough for them. I think I have some work to do in this area. Life is short, you never know when you will be called home...I think it is time to live to be a better person so that when it is my time my kids will be proud of me.
So I guess it is time to ask yourself...what is my legacy?
So...what do you leave behind? How will they remember you? Basically you leave behind a legacy. I believe that everyone leaves a legacy behind...from a baby who dies before they are born to a person who lives 200 years...we all touch someone in some way. What is the definition of a legacy? Good ol' Webster says "something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past (the legacy of the ancient philosophers)" For example: He left his children a legacy of love and respect.
Clint's birthday was yesterday and last night I was thinking of his legacy. His legacy would be service, hard work and love. His biggest goal in life was to become financially set so he could help others who needed it. He was always moving people in and out of our ward. His most favorite Family Home Evening was to make cookies and go take them to people. One year, probably about 6 years ago, he came up with The Halloween Phantom. He came up with a poem basically about serving others and my sister drew a ghost that the poem sat in. We took the ghost put it on a plate of cookies and took it to 5 families who were supposed to do the same thing to 5 other families. Once night a week or so later someone did the Phantom to our house and he just grinned thinking about all the other families getting cookies. He worked hard for everything in life. When we were newly married he got laid off a construction job because he put the way ahead of schedule. He was without a job for a week or so until our landlord got him a job on a ranch. He had to go paint fences out in the snow, they were so impressed with him that once he found a job they practically begged him to stay. He also loved every person he came across, I have never seen someone give so much unconditional love before. I never realized how many people he touched until his last day in the hospital. I couldn't believe how many people came to say goodbye to him. As I reflected on his legacy I realized how proud of him I am and how proud of him our children are. His legacy truly is amazing.
After thinking about Clint's legacy last night, I started thinking about mine. Am I living the way I want my kids to remember? I honestly don't know. They know I have a testimony and a passion for music. But I am not sure that right now my legacy is strong enough for them. I think I have some work to do in this area. Life is short, you never know when you will be called home...I think it is time to live to be a better person so that when it is my time my kids will be proud of me.
So I guess it is time to ask yourself...what is my legacy?
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
1 Year/The Untold Story
I seriously can't believe that I have been widowed for 1 year! To quote my friend Wid "I have reached 1 year in a club that no one wants to be in." So much has happened in my life since then but when you are approaching your year mark something happens to your brain and it wants to replay everything that you went through leading up to that last moment with the person you love. And let me tell you...it hurts, can sneak up on you anytime and can consume you leaving you numb once again and fighting to get your life back in some kind of order. While I was going through this the memories that stood out to me the most were the memories of our last week, lots happened that week and not many people know the whole story of what we went through the last several years but I feel impressed to share what we went through the last week. Maybe it can help someone, maybe it will shed some light on what an amazing man he was or maybe...just maybe it will help me work through all the guilt, sadness and shock that I feel some days when I look back on that week.
So a quick rundown of what had happened so far: Clint started getting sick with stomach problems in November of 2007, March of 2008 we are told he was anemic and had Ulcerative Colitis, March of 2009 official diagnosis is Stage IV Metastatic Colon Cancer (already spread to the Liver), that same day he started chemo, end of July 2009 we realize chemo is shrinking the tumors outside of the colon but is not touching the liver so we decided to do a surgery that would remove the colon and hopefully get the chemo penetrating the liver so we could get some progress there even though that once the surgery was done he had to wait 6 weeks for chemo again, we did the surgery and find his whole abdomen plus major organs are covered in cancer. He spent 2 weeks in the ICU where he swears he saw angels looking over him at night and 1 week in a regular room then came home. We met with his Oncologist he is pretty worried about him and wants to start chemo the next week so we made an appointment, Clint stops eating and gets admitted back in the hospital and this is where our last week starts...
After he is admitted to the hospital the Doctors have a pow-wow of what to do with him. They decided to hook him up to get some vitamins and minerals and fluids in him. I was extremely worried about the fact that he wasn't eating and he was planning on getting chemo so I talked to the surgeon to try and get him to give him a feeding tube and I was shocked with how our conversation turned out. He basically told me that he refuses to give him a feeding tube because there is no point in prolonging the inevitable. Now I am not a person that does confrontation well but when he said that to me I will admit that I hit my breaking point and went off on the Doctor. I was so upset and went back to Clint's room to talk about what we should do to keep this fight going. He stayed in there for a couple of days and then on the 22nd they discharged him and we went straight to a Chuck Wicks concert, my sister had got us tickets and back stage passes from when she met his bus driver (a really cool story). Clint was in his wheel chair and had the biggest smile, he truly lived life all the way up to the end.
The day after the concert he told me that there was no way that he could do chemo the next day because he didn't feel strong enough. He wanted me to take him to Scottsdale to his Homeopathic Dr for a Vitamin C treatment to boost him for chemo. I said OK (reluctantly) and rescheduled his chemo for the following week and made plans to head to Scottsdale on Thursday. We left early Thursday morning and went off to see Dr. Ber, and we had so much fun. It was a 3hr treatment and we just sat and talked the whole time. On the way home I wanted a Starbucks frappaccino and I surprised him with a Caramel Apple Cider and he said that was the best thing he had ever tasted. *It is amazing the little things you remember after a year* He was feeling so good, I remember that day being full of fun and laughter.
The next day he was sleeping in the recliner and I was in and out of the house all day running errands and stuff. I didn't think anything about him sleeping all day until that evening when I looked at him and something wasn't right, I could just feel it. I had my sister take the kids away from the house and I called my good friend, Jason Foutz, to let him know that something was wrong with Clint and I didn't know what to do. He raced over to my house with a guy from church with him and they urged me to call Clint's home nurse (we had just gotten her, her job was to come once a week and take his vitals and see if he needs any supplies for his ostomy bag) she drove from Pima to my house in 15 minutes!! She took his vitals and looked at me and said "April you have two options...you can let him die here or you can call an ambulance!!" I was in shock, there was no way, NO WAY that he was going to die...we just had a great time in Phoenix...he was supposed to beat his cancer. I don't really remember making the call but someone did and Jason and Brother Buckley gave Clint a blessing and we waited for the ambulance.
They got there so quick and started checking his vitals and they realized that he had no insulin in his body. They put him in the back and started pumping him full of insulin, I hopped in the front and off we went. The drive to the hospital from my house to the hospital is maybe 5min at the most. Once we got there I hopped out and rushed to the back and there he was alert and talking. I said a quick prayer of thanks and Clint then looked at me and said "What am I doing here?" I told him "Well you freaked me out so we need to get you checked out. He said nothing in response and we got him in a room in the ER and they hooked him up to a continuous line of insulin. The Dr's get him all settled and go off to get him a room in the ICU and he looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes and said the thing that is burned in my memory forever..."April, it is my time to go home." Time stopped, ,my world stood still as I tried to process what he just told me and then I went into complete meltdown mode. I couldn't believe what he was telling me...he then proceeded to tell me that he didn't want to be revived, he didn't want to take any meds that were going to keep him here...this needed to happen and it was going to happen quickly. I think my mind was numb but when he said to revive him I got fire back in my mind and said "Did you pray about it?" (knowing full well that he was just in a coma in my house and couldn't have possibly prayed about it. He looked at me with a sweet patient smile and eyes that seemed to know more than I could ever comprehend and said "No honey I haven't but would you like me to?" I said "Yes" He said "Fine I will but YOU need to as well."
The nurses then came in and said his room was ready they took him into the ICU and I had to wait in a waiting room until they were done getting him settled. I went back into his room when he told me to tell the nurses about the DNR (do not revive) and everything else he told me. I shook my head and said "I will not tell them that because if it was up to me I would do everything in my power to keep you here." The nurse came back and he proceeded to tell them his wishes and all I could do was melt into a puddle on the floor and bawl. I have to say that the nurses we had were the most amazing people ever, they let me have my freak out moment then they took me by my hand and said "Come on honey, why don't you come sit by your husband and we'll find you some place to sleep." I agreed and sat in a chair next to him and couldn't believe the next words out of his mouth "April I don't want you to sleep here tonight. You need to go home and sleep so you can face what is coming. On your way home call my family, they need to get here quickly if they want to say goodbye."
I don't know how I made it out those doors but I got in my car and immediately got on my phone to his oldest brother, Ryan. It was 2:30am AZ time so I think it might have been 5:30am Texas time. Thankfully they answered their phone and the sound of Aften's voice was enough to start my meltdown again, but they got the message and started calling everyone as soon as I got off the phone with them. I went home and tried to sleep but it was a restless one and got up at 6:30am Saturday morning, said my prayer...got my answer and went back to the hospital. Somehow I called my family and told them what was going on but I don't remember doing so.
That day is such a blur to me, somehow word got out about Clint's condition and it spread like wildfire. He had about 100 people in his room that day to say their goodbyes to him. He was amazing he talked to every single person, gave them advice for their life and promised to send their love to loved ones who have died...he even took the time to commit to memory the name of the deceased loved ones. While we were waiting for his family we knew we needed to tell our children and I had no idea what to say. I was dreading this part, how in the world does a Mom tell her children that their Dad is dying? I think Heavenly Father was watching out for me because I brought Mathew and Ben in to see Clint and I sat them down to explain to them what was happening and all of a sudden my Stake President, President Sanders walked in. He looked at me and seemed to know what I was trying to do and he then proceeded to tell them what was going on and in words that kids could understand. After he told them I swear to you that I could hear their little hearts break and they broke down. Everyone in that room was crying me, Clint, the kids, the nurses and President Sanders and his wife. I hope that I never have to see my children's hearts break again, I don't know if I can handle it. I had the kids, all 4 of them take turns to say their goodbyes to their dad and I had my sister keep them from the hospital until he passed away.
Around 9pm Clint asked for me, my mom. his mom and my cousin Joy to be with him and then he told the Nurses that he was ready to be unhooked from his IVs, specifically the insulin, and he was ready to go. They called our family Dr and he came in to unhook him himself, and he cried the whole time he did it. His family hung around for a while after that and around Midnight I asked the nurses to ask them to leave so we could have some alone time. I know my husband and he didn't like everyone staring at him waiting for him to die, he wanted it to be the two of us. They left and around 3am Sunday morning his last brother (that could come quickly) came in the room to say his goodbye. After he left the room Clint went back into his coma. We were amazed that without the insulin he stayed out of his coma for 6 hours, but he really wanted to see this brother so he did it. I don't remember falling asleep but I remember waking up at almost 5am upset with myself for sleeping...who sleeps when they know that could be their husband's last night!?! At 6am the night shift nurses came in and said they were off the clock and wanted to sit with me. For 2 hours they held my hand and cried with me, from all of Clint's hospital stays they got to know him pretty well,
Several hours went by and I needed to go to the bathroom, in this hospital they don't have a bathroom in the ICU so I had to go out in the main hospital to use one. As I got up to leave I felt that I needed to tell him that I would be right back, so I did. Once I got out there I got ambushed by his family, they were all wanting updates and so I was gone for longer than I wanted to be and I had this feeling that I needed to get back in there asap. I sat on the bed next to him and I started singing to him and pouring my heart out to him. I had told him most of the night, when I wasn't sleeping, that he just needed to go and that I was going to be OK. He had looked out for me since the day we met and I knew he was hanging on for me. I told him that I would be OK but I didn't believe it in my heart until something clicked inside of me and I knew for sure that I was going to be OK. I told him this one last time and he took a big gasp of air, for a brief second I got excited I thought he was going to talk to me so I turned to look at him and as soon as I looked at him and the monitors and all the numbers on there zeroed out and it started beeping...
The nurses ran in and I kept saying that I didn't know what happened or what was going on and they finally took me by the shoulders and said "April, he is gone." And yet again I had a freak out moment. All of the family had gone and so they called our friend Riley who was at church. He got the call and rushed out of church and everyone there says that when they saw him leave they knew what had happened. He ran into the room and held me while I cried and cried and cried. I got my voice and called my cousin Joy to tell her to bring the kids. I looked at him and thought "Oh my gosh who is that man in the bed, he isn't my Clint!" I learned that day that when you fall in love you really do fall in love with the spirit of the person not just their body. Family came, my kids came and I told the nurses to call the mortuary. While I waited for them to come all of a sudden I felt like I was wrapped in the biggest, warmest hug I have ever experienced. That feeling stayed with me all the way through the funeral.
I know this is long buy this is the story people have been asking me to tell. It hasn't been easy I started writing it on my 1year mark and I finished it on my 15 month mark...it took me 3 months to write this. I experienced all of the emotions over again. My friends lost their 6yr old son the beginning of the month and that has made reliving this even more hard. I finally though have stopped "what if'ing" myself...what if I had made him go to chemo, what if I had begged him to stay, what if I had been more assertive with his specialist and demanded a second opinion what if...what it...what it...I have learned this past year that I believe that Clint and I knew this was going to happen before we were born, that we agreed to have this trial. There is nothing that could have kept this from happening to us, it was supposed to happen. I have changed, yes that is true. But you can't expect people to go through this and it not change them in some way I came to a point where I had to decide this can make me bitter or this can make me better and I chose to be better. I have decided to live Clint's legacy of optimism, a love of life and service. I know that he wants me to get remarried one day and I feel blessed to know that I already have his blessing on this matter. I have learned to make decisions for myself and my children and to be confident in them even when others don't agree, I have a cheerleader in Heaven that overshadows any of their negativity. It as taken a lot and some time to learn all of this but now I don't feel guilty whatsoever to start a "new" life while remembering and honoring the "old" life. I love Clint with all of my heart and I always will but I believe Heavenly Father will expand my heart to love someone new that will help love and raise our children they way Clint would want them raised. So this is what I have learned the first year, I wonder what I will have learned the end of the 2nd year...only time will tell!!!!!
So a quick rundown of what had happened so far: Clint started getting sick with stomach problems in November of 2007, March of 2008 we are told he was anemic and had Ulcerative Colitis, March of 2009 official diagnosis is Stage IV Metastatic Colon Cancer (already spread to the Liver), that same day he started chemo, end of July 2009 we realize chemo is shrinking the tumors outside of the colon but is not touching the liver so we decided to do a surgery that would remove the colon and hopefully get the chemo penetrating the liver so we could get some progress there even though that once the surgery was done he had to wait 6 weeks for chemo again, we did the surgery and find his whole abdomen plus major organs are covered in cancer. He spent 2 weeks in the ICU where he swears he saw angels looking over him at night and 1 week in a regular room then came home. We met with his Oncologist he is pretty worried about him and wants to start chemo the next week so we made an appointment, Clint stops eating and gets admitted back in the hospital and this is where our last week starts...
After he is admitted to the hospital the Doctors have a pow-wow of what to do with him. They decided to hook him up to get some vitamins and minerals and fluids in him. I was extremely worried about the fact that he wasn't eating and he was planning on getting chemo so I talked to the surgeon to try and get him to give him a feeding tube and I was shocked with how our conversation turned out. He basically told me that he refuses to give him a feeding tube because there is no point in prolonging the inevitable. Now I am not a person that does confrontation well but when he said that to me I will admit that I hit my breaking point and went off on the Doctor. I was so upset and went back to Clint's room to talk about what we should do to keep this fight going. He stayed in there for a couple of days and then on the 22nd they discharged him and we went straight to a Chuck Wicks concert, my sister had got us tickets and back stage passes from when she met his bus driver (a really cool story). Clint was in his wheel chair and had the biggest smile, he truly lived life all the way up to the end.
The day after the concert he told me that there was no way that he could do chemo the next day because he didn't feel strong enough. He wanted me to take him to Scottsdale to his Homeopathic Dr for a Vitamin C treatment to boost him for chemo. I said OK (reluctantly) and rescheduled his chemo for the following week and made plans to head to Scottsdale on Thursday. We left early Thursday morning and went off to see Dr. Ber, and we had so much fun. It was a 3hr treatment and we just sat and talked the whole time. On the way home I wanted a Starbucks frappaccino and I surprised him with a Caramel Apple Cider and he said that was the best thing he had ever tasted. *It is amazing the little things you remember after a year* He was feeling so good, I remember that day being full of fun and laughter.
The next day he was sleeping in the recliner and I was in and out of the house all day running errands and stuff. I didn't think anything about him sleeping all day until that evening when I looked at him and something wasn't right, I could just feel it. I had my sister take the kids away from the house and I called my good friend, Jason Foutz, to let him know that something was wrong with Clint and I didn't know what to do. He raced over to my house with a guy from church with him and they urged me to call Clint's home nurse (we had just gotten her, her job was to come once a week and take his vitals and see if he needs any supplies for his ostomy bag) she drove from Pima to my house in 15 minutes!! She took his vitals and looked at me and said "April you have two options...you can let him die here or you can call an ambulance!!" I was in shock, there was no way, NO WAY that he was going to die...we just had a great time in Phoenix...he was supposed to beat his cancer. I don't really remember making the call but someone did and Jason and Brother Buckley gave Clint a blessing and we waited for the ambulance.
They got there so quick and started checking his vitals and they realized that he had no insulin in his body. They put him in the back and started pumping him full of insulin, I hopped in the front and off we went. The drive to the hospital from my house to the hospital is maybe 5min at the most. Once we got there I hopped out and rushed to the back and there he was alert and talking. I said a quick prayer of thanks and Clint then looked at me and said "What am I doing here?" I told him "Well you freaked me out so we need to get you checked out. He said nothing in response and we got him in a room in the ER and they hooked him up to a continuous line of insulin. The Dr's get him all settled and go off to get him a room in the ICU and he looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes and said the thing that is burned in my memory forever..."April, it is my time to go home." Time stopped, ,my world stood still as I tried to process what he just told me and then I went into complete meltdown mode. I couldn't believe what he was telling me...he then proceeded to tell me that he didn't want to be revived, he didn't want to take any meds that were going to keep him here...this needed to happen and it was going to happen quickly. I think my mind was numb but when he said to revive him I got fire back in my mind and said "Did you pray about it?" (knowing full well that he was just in a coma in my house and couldn't have possibly prayed about it. He looked at me with a sweet patient smile and eyes that seemed to know more than I could ever comprehend and said "No honey I haven't but would you like me to?" I said "Yes" He said "Fine I will but YOU need to as well."
The nurses then came in and said his room was ready they took him into the ICU and I had to wait in a waiting room until they were done getting him settled. I went back into his room when he told me to tell the nurses about the DNR (do not revive) and everything else he told me. I shook my head and said "I will not tell them that because if it was up to me I would do everything in my power to keep you here." The nurse came back and he proceeded to tell them his wishes and all I could do was melt into a puddle on the floor and bawl. I have to say that the nurses we had were the most amazing people ever, they let me have my freak out moment then they took me by my hand and said "Come on honey, why don't you come sit by your husband and we'll find you some place to sleep." I agreed and sat in a chair next to him and couldn't believe the next words out of his mouth "April I don't want you to sleep here tonight. You need to go home and sleep so you can face what is coming. On your way home call my family, they need to get here quickly if they want to say goodbye."
I don't know how I made it out those doors but I got in my car and immediately got on my phone to his oldest brother, Ryan. It was 2:30am AZ time so I think it might have been 5:30am Texas time. Thankfully they answered their phone and the sound of Aften's voice was enough to start my meltdown again, but they got the message and started calling everyone as soon as I got off the phone with them. I went home and tried to sleep but it was a restless one and got up at 6:30am Saturday morning, said my prayer...got my answer and went back to the hospital. Somehow I called my family and told them what was going on but I don't remember doing so.
That day is such a blur to me, somehow word got out about Clint's condition and it spread like wildfire. He had about 100 people in his room that day to say their goodbyes to him. He was amazing he talked to every single person, gave them advice for their life and promised to send their love to loved ones who have died...he even took the time to commit to memory the name of the deceased loved ones. While we were waiting for his family we knew we needed to tell our children and I had no idea what to say. I was dreading this part, how in the world does a Mom tell her children that their Dad is dying? I think Heavenly Father was watching out for me because I brought Mathew and Ben in to see Clint and I sat them down to explain to them what was happening and all of a sudden my Stake President, President Sanders walked in. He looked at me and seemed to know what I was trying to do and he then proceeded to tell them what was going on and in words that kids could understand. After he told them I swear to you that I could hear their little hearts break and they broke down. Everyone in that room was crying me, Clint, the kids, the nurses and President Sanders and his wife. I hope that I never have to see my children's hearts break again, I don't know if I can handle it. I had the kids, all 4 of them take turns to say their goodbyes to their dad and I had my sister keep them from the hospital until he passed away.
Around 9pm Clint asked for me, my mom. his mom and my cousin Joy to be with him and then he told the Nurses that he was ready to be unhooked from his IVs, specifically the insulin, and he was ready to go. They called our family Dr and he came in to unhook him himself, and he cried the whole time he did it. His family hung around for a while after that and around Midnight I asked the nurses to ask them to leave so we could have some alone time. I know my husband and he didn't like everyone staring at him waiting for him to die, he wanted it to be the two of us. They left and around 3am Sunday morning his last brother (that could come quickly) came in the room to say his goodbye. After he left the room Clint went back into his coma. We were amazed that without the insulin he stayed out of his coma for 6 hours, but he really wanted to see this brother so he did it. I don't remember falling asleep but I remember waking up at almost 5am upset with myself for sleeping...who sleeps when they know that could be their husband's last night!?! At 6am the night shift nurses came in and said they were off the clock and wanted to sit with me. For 2 hours they held my hand and cried with me, from all of Clint's hospital stays they got to know him pretty well,
Several hours went by and I needed to go to the bathroom, in this hospital they don't have a bathroom in the ICU so I had to go out in the main hospital to use one. As I got up to leave I felt that I needed to tell him that I would be right back, so I did. Once I got out there I got ambushed by his family, they were all wanting updates and so I was gone for longer than I wanted to be and I had this feeling that I needed to get back in there asap. I sat on the bed next to him and I started singing to him and pouring my heart out to him. I had told him most of the night, when I wasn't sleeping, that he just needed to go and that I was going to be OK. He had looked out for me since the day we met and I knew he was hanging on for me. I told him that I would be OK but I didn't believe it in my heart until something clicked inside of me and I knew for sure that I was going to be OK. I told him this one last time and he took a big gasp of air, for a brief second I got excited I thought he was going to talk to me so I turned to look at him and as soon as I looked at him and the monitors and all the numbers on there zeroed out and it started beeping...
The nurses ran in and I kept saying that I didn't know what happened or what was going on and they finally took me by the shoulders and said "April, he is gone." And yet again I had a freak out moment. All of the family had gone and so they called our friend Riley who was at church. He got the call and rushed out of church and everyone there says that when they saw him leave they knew what had happened. He ran into the room and held me while I cried and cried and cried. I got my voice and called my cousin Joy to tell her to bring the kids. I looked at him and thought "Oh my gosh who is that man in the bed, he isn't my Clint!" I learned that day that when you fall in love you really do fall in love with the spirit of the person not just their body. Family came, my kids came and I told the nurses to call the mortuary. While I waited for them to come all of a sudden I felt like I was wrapped in the biggest, warmest hug I have ever experienced. That feeling stayed with me all the way through the funeral.
I know this is long buy this is the story people have been asking me to tell. It hasn't been easy I started writing it on my 1year mark and I finished it on my 15 month mark...it took me 3 months to write this. I experienced all of the emotions over again. My friends lost their 6yr old son the beginning of the month and that has made reliving this even more hard. I finally though have stopped "what if'ing" myself...what if I had made him go to chemo, what if I had begged him to stay, what if I had been more assertive with his specialist and demanded a second opinion what if...what it...what it...I have learned this past year that I believe that Clint and I knew this was going to happen before we were born, that we agreed to have this trial. There is nothing that could have kept this from happening to us, it was supposed to happen. I have changed, yes that is true. But you can't expect people to go through this and it not change them in some way I came to a point where I had to decide this can make me bitter or this can make me better and I chose to be better. I have decided to live Clint's legacy of optimism, a love of life and service. I know that he wants me to get remarried one day and I feel blessed to know that I already have his blessing on this matter. I have learned to make decisions for myself and my children and to be confident in them even when others don't agree, I have a cheerleader in Heaven that overshadows any of their negativity. It as taken a lot and some time to learn all of this but now I don't feel guilty whatsoever to start a "new" life while remembering and honoring the "old" life. I love Clint with all of my heart and I always will but I believe Heavenly Father will expand my heart to love someone new that will help love and raise our children they way Clint would want them raised. So this is what I have learned the first year, I wonder what I will have learned the end of the 2nd year...only time will tell!!!!!
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