Poor Me

I have known for a while that I needed to write something but honestly...my life has been so stinkin' boring that I couldn't think of anything to say!! I mean I don't want to be a whiner and just write "poor me" posts all the time, gosh I need some adventure in my life!! Sadly this is going to be a "poor me" type of post, I have had a pretty hard time lately with my self esteem.

Clinton did such a fabulous job of boosting my self esteem...he would compliment me, thank me, tell me I am beautiful, be proud of me and my talents, basically he loved me no matter what. Just yesterday I was having an off day, I haven't had too many of those. I have battled with depression most of my adult life but thanks to some miracle from my Father in Heaven I haven't had many issues with my depression since Clint died. I know that is backwards but I feel like he took that trial from me to help me get through the trial of losing my husband. Sometimes thought, it sneaks up on me. I had a huge list of things yesterday that I couldn't lay off about myself they were:

1. My cold sore-yeah I know how lame is that...to be depressed over a cold sore, but I couldn't help it! I was feeling great, no stress (well I wasn't feeling stressed) and out of the blue a cold sore the size of Mount Rushmore appears by my lip. It felt like I had a neon sign on my face all day and people were staring at it. Honestly, I only really was upset by it because I have just started a new job where I interact with people all day long and lets face it...who wants to talk to a girl with Mount Rushmore on her face?

2. My weight-so I guess since seeing my nurse last month that I am feeling much better, so much in fact that I have GAINED 8 POUNDS!! I mean really, who in their right mind gains 8lbs in a month? I feel huge! Granted my face doesn't look so sickly anymore but I can't accept the fact in my brain that this has been a "healthy" 8lbs. I have gone from eating toddler sized portions (if I could even eat that much) to normal portions and now I get all bloated from eating and I kick myself from eating all the food on my normal sized plate. This I suppose is a battle in my head but I am terrified of gaining back all of the 100lbs that I have lost.

3. My voice-throwing up and acid reflux is not, and I repeat NOT good for your vocal cords. Since June I had been throwing up quite a bit and the majority of the time I would wake up in the middle of the night with my throat burning due to the fact that I had stomach acid in my throat. I have been singing but not to the best of my ability. There is a version of O Holy Night that we are singing in my choir and the sopranos go up to an A, easy peasy right? Wrong...normally I can sing that no problem but these last few rehearsals I am singing along get to that point in the song and nothing...I mean nothing is coming out. I can't hit the note, heck I can't even sing anything for a few minutes. I have serious vocal fatigue after rehearsals and I can't even talk normal afterwards. I am worried that I have some damage to my vocal cords from the stomach acid but I have no insurance so I can't go see a Dr to have that checked out. Singing is my only talent and it gets me through the hard times...what am I going to do if I can't do that anymore?

4. My house and car-these two things have been put on the back burner these past several months. When I was really sick I could really only do the necessities just to get us  by. My house needs deep cleaned and my car...yuck...desperately needs to be cleaned out and detailed. I feel so overwhelmed with it all that I don't even know where to start. I am finally to the point where I don't tire easily anymore and so I can do a little at a time with it all to get it in order but it is just frustrating that I can't do it all right now.

5. My job-now don't get me wrong this job has been a huge blessing but it has been a mental challenge for me to be ok with it. I have been a stay at home Mom for 9yrs and even when I was first married I only worked for fun and I was supposed to be a stay at home Mom for the rest of my life because Clinton could support us. I know my kids are self sufficient they are 10, 9, 6 and almost 5 but it is hard to not be here for them 24/7.

6.My loneliness-oh how I miss having that one special person to love me no matter what my faults are. I miss having someone to hold and hold me, someone who cares about my day, someone that can help me with my kids, someone who calls me or sends me flowers just because. I know that I am not alone but I still feel lonely. I have so much love to give but nobody to give that love to. I didn't realize how much I missed having all that and more, until this week.

So as I was sitting at home all day long dwelling on those 6 things plus all of my other short comings I went on to facebook and starting browsing around my LDS Widows and Widowers group and all of their postings. This is an amazing group of people...people from all over that have joined a club that nobody wants to belong to. This group has amazing strength and wisdom, yes we do at times bicker like siblings but we have so much love and respect for each other. Anyways they were sharing some scriptures that have helped them lately and a couple of them applied to me, they were:

"Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks; waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament - the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted." DC 98:1-2

"But learn that he who doeth the works of righteousness shall receive his reward, even peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come." DC 59:23

 "And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious, and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more." DC 78:19

This last one isn't a scripture but a quote from an Apostle of my church, he said  “The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.”

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (1917–2008), “Come What May, and Love It,” Ensign, Nov. 2008, 28.


Wow, talk about an eye-opener!! The Lord hears my prayers and if I continue on in righteousness I will have peace and eternal life. The Lord will make up for my loss, I just have to be patient and wait for that to happen. Lastly, I need to be thankful for everything that has been given to me so that I can continue being blessed. Such simple truths and they are things that I can forget when things get overwhelming. It is time for me to do better and put these to use. I have started a gratitude journal for the month and it has been such a wonderful thing for me to do. I have been able to see all of the blessings in my life. I can't wait to share them with you when this month is over. I hope that maybe you have learned something from this "poor me" post that can help you overcome your "poor me" days.