Decisions, Decisions

Did you ever have question that was asked to you as a teenager and you knew that if you answered what was in your heart it would annoy the person asking it? Yeah, I know there are quite a few of those types of questions but I am referring to one in particular that always made me feel that way. It was the "what do you want to be when you grow up?" question. I hated that question, it always made my head hurt which in turn caused me to have a major Dr.Pepper addiction. I think why it annoyed me was because I knew exactly what other people thought I should be come (a music teacher of some sort) and I knew my answer wasn't "acceptable" to society (a wife and mother).

I knew from an early age that all I wanted to be was a wife and mother...well after I got over the whole idea of wanting to become a baby doctor and a singer. I loved kids and I wanted to be the best mother and wife in the whole wide world. I was able to be a wife and mother for 8 1/2yrs, I had an amazing husband who worked hard so I could stay at home with our children. I eventually started selling Mary Kay so that I could have some girl time, extra spending money and he took care of the kids so that I could do that. Sadly all of that came to an end almost 3yrs ago, when my wonderful husband lost his fight to cancer.

You may be wondering why I am talking about this now. Well the truth is I realized a year ago that I am in need of a job. So I went to Dental Assisting school and enjoyed it (didn't love it but I caught on quickly and usually the pay is great) and haven't been able to find a job. When I think about what would make me happy I think of being a wife and mother. I am no longer a wife and have realized that I was a way better mother when I had a husband who would back me up and help with the load. My kids get survivor's benefits from their Dad and we have had several letters telling us we may not get their money on a specific month because they are running out of money. It has been a scary year for me, if we don't get that money that will leave my kids and I homeless.

I started looking at my options of what to do: I could push Mary Kay, I did well with it and enjoyed myself but I lost all of my customers when I stopped doing it all the time once Clint started getting even more sick with his cancer, so I will have to start all over. I could sell life insurance again but I tried last year and realized I only enjoyed that because I was doing it for Clint and he isn't here to be my partner in it. I have tried finding a dental assisting job but I have no experience and haven't found a dentist willing to take a chance on me. Then that opens a whole new can of worms...what do I do with my kids when I am working a full time job, how do I afford day care for all of them, how can I still be the Mom they need right now as they continue to adjust to life without their Dad while I am working full time? I have thought about giving voice lessons and doing preschool music classes out of my home but I don't have a degree or anything so why would people want to send their kid to a random person's house that "knows a lot about music and really likes to sing"?

Some days I just want to hide under my covers and forget about the job situation that is constantly raining on me like eeyore's rain cloud. This is just another thing that becoming a Widow throws at you, another problem that needs solved without the guidance of a spouse. I just have to remember that I need to have faith. I have been told that I will teach my children the meaning of sacrifice and I guess that applies to getting some sort of job and sacrificing my time with them and having faith that Heavenly Father will fill in the gaps. I came across this quote that really hit home to me "...the truer measure of sacrifice isn't so much what one gives to sacrifice as what one sacrifices to give. Faith isn't tested so much when the cupboard is full as when it is bare. In these defining moments, the crisis doesn't create one's character it reveals it."
--Lynn G. Robbins, "Tithing, a Commandment Even for the Destitute," Ensign, May 2005, 34

Our faith is constantly being tested and I hope and pray that the character that is revealed is one that we can be proud of. So off I go to try and provide for my family while having faith...this should be interesting!

oh, p.s. I am going to a Mary Kay meeting tonight so I guess I decided to start with that and see where it takes me. If anyone needs a Mary Kay consultant tell them about me or have them check out my website www.marykay.com/aflake    lol, it is shameful of me to promote myself on here but I gotta start somewhere!! :)