It was the most amazing thing to be a part of, I am in total awe of the strength of the Moms as they go through such a hard thing and then seeing on her face that the sweet gift from Heaven was totally worth all the pain. I now know how Clint and my Mom felt when I was in labor with my oldest son, Mathew, you want so badly to take their pain away and feel completely helpless but then you swell with pride after she delivers the baby that it just makes you cry. It is completely emotionally and physically draining!!
After Emma was born I was completely beside myself and I wished so badly that I could call someone that loves me and I could tell them all about it and have them share in my joy but I don't have anyone and then that night I sat and thought about all the dates I have gone on and my annoyance with it all and then that put me in a bad mood so I ate some cake. lol I almost got on the computer and blogged out my emotions but I hate blogging when I am in a bad mood because then the whole blog is negative and nobody likes a "negative Nancy" so I have taken a few days to think about it and am now ready to blog. :) So let me tell you about what I have discovered about the types of men I have dated..
I am almost positive I have said this before but I will say it again, being a widow in my church is a hard thing. Most men are looking for someone they can spend Eternity with and since I am already sealed to Clint that puts me out of the running (due to some technical stuff that I don't care to explain right now, just take my word on it). So I need to find a man who will love me, my kids and be OK with us being married "'Til Death Do Us Part".
Here are 5 categories I have lumped the men that I have dated into:
Never Married Man: now I haven't gone on a date with a guy who has never been married mostly because they hear the word "widow" and they high-tail it in the different direction. I have danced with a never been married guy and when I said I was widowed he said "hmm...please excuse me" and leaves me standing there in the middle of the dance floor while the song is still playing. Yep, pretty humiliating.
Divorcee: I have dated a some divorcees and actually in a relationship with one guy. It was pretty good at first and he was accepting of the fact that I couldn't be sealed to him. Then I found out the truth about him...he was still married (they were going to file for divorce but hadn't yet) and he was dating another girl while he was dating me and legally married to his wife. Never in my life did I think that I would be cheated on while being the "other woman". As soon as I figured that out I dropped his sorry butt and he is now officially divorced and actually married to the other girl he was dating. So lets just say that after that fiasco, I have some trust issues with the divorcees...you know like not getting the whole story. Yeah, I felt used, betrayed and so horrible after that.
Widower: now I am going to be truthful here and say that my ideal companion will be a Widower, they will understand more of what my children and I have gone through and more accepting of my sealing with Clint...well most of them. I have dated some Widowers and they are great men, granted it takes some getting used to when you can openly talk about your deceased spouse but it is nice to not have any jealousy from either person about the previous spouse because you are in the same boat. The biggest issue I have found is that Widowers are in high demand and there are thousands of Widows for them to choose from. There is always someone prettier, skinnier and more interesting for them to choose from. They also tend to befriend you, give you attention that you have been craving and then push you aside for a new friend. I am still trying to figure them out. lol
God's Gift to You: this category can consist with men from any of the previous categories. These men are interesting because they come off as so nice, considerate and even tell you that they don't care that you are a Widow. They start looking for things that you are interested in and seem almost perfect and then when you decide its not going to work for whatever reason then they turn pretty mean. They then go on to tell you that nobody else is going to want to marry you because you are a Widow so if you ever want to find happiness then you better not call it quits or you will be alone for the rest of your life. They also let you know that they will "sacrifice their Eternal happiness if they marry you but they would do that for you". Yeah I didn't want that hanging over my head for the next 60+ years.
Friend: The person that you click so well with and start off as friends because you get along so well, you trust them and confide many things in them and then all of a sudden you see a possible future together but they still have you in the friend category. This category is the hardest for me to maneuver, with the others they either break your heart or you have a successful relationship. There is no dancing around the relationship status. But the friend category is one where you can be stuck in forever because you don't want to spoil the friendship by telling the other person your true feelings. This category still bugs me because I can't seem to find a good solution for it.
This is what I have been stewing over for the past several days and honestly I feel better about everything but I still have a sense of longing for a companion. I know it will happen in the Lord's time and I guess I do get some pretty good stories out of everything from the dating world. So until Heavenly Father decides to send me my companion I will just keep chugging on, writing my stories and for the next two days soak up as much newborn love as I can before I head home and back to reality!!!!
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