I feel like I have talked about this before but it is on my mind so if it is a repeat, sorry about that! Life is kinda with out many adventures right now and like I said, this has been on my mind so just bear with me. There are many times that when I hear about a newly widowed person I wish that I could talk to their close friends and family and give them some pointers about what to say, what not to say and what a newly widowed person needs. We all know (or if you don't know now you do) NOT to say "I am sorry for your loss" (they aren't lost, they died), "If you need something call me" (in most cases we have no idea what we need because we haven't gone though this before...tell the widow what you are going to do for them like bring her dinner or something), "He/She is better off now" (umm...really? What could be better than being by my side?). You get the point right? So I have thought of a few things that may help when someone you know becomes widowed and if they aren't helpful its helpful to me to just put this out there.
*Let them serve you: we need to get out of ourselves, so letting us help you or others takes the focus off of ourselves and our grief and back to others. On the flip side don't be offended if we don't call for help. We know that you have your own life and family and we will do everything in our power first before we call for help.
*Don't assume that they don't know how to take care of themselves. I think the most offending thing I heard after Clint died was someone calling a family member of mine and telling him that he was passing the torch to him to take care of me. What!?! Who in the world gave them a freaking torch in the first place, it wasn't me and it certainly wasn't Clint...I would have kicked his butt if I heard him say something like that to someone and he knows it. I am a grown woman who has lost her spouse, not a child who has lost their parent and I sure as heck know to take care of myself and my children.
*I know some people in my church have heard an Apostle say that it took him about a year after his wife's passing to feel confident to make decisions, while this is sound advice PLEASE don't throw this in a widow's face when she needs to make a decision...depending on the circumstances some decisions can't wait. Also when she goes to make a big decision don't assume that just because she didn't come to you to make this decision that she didn't talk to someone about it. When I moved shortly after Clint died I talked to my Mom, my Bishop, my Stake President and my Cousin. So many people thought it was just a spur of the moment decision because I didn't talk to them about it. My decision consisted of lots of prayer, fasting and consulting with people that I felt would give me some solid advice.
*When the widow feels ready to date or at least test the waters please don't send them hate mail. When I started testing the waters I heard so many things like I wasn't honoring his memory, I had love once and needed to let others have a turn, and the kicker...I must have never loved him in the first place if I wasn't wanting another spouse. This topic gets me a little hot around the collar, what most people don't know is that when dating first crosses our minds we feel those exact same things but we do need to test the waters. I was 27 when I was widowed and the idea of being alone for the next 60+ years depresses me as I am sure it would you if you would stop and put yourselves in my shoes and actually think about it.
*If she happens to have some life insurance money after the death and uses it to buy a newer house or car don't assume that she is just buying the newer things because she has to have top of the line things or she is profiting off of the death. Just remember that we would give every cent back to have them back but the one person that we would go to with house problems or car problems is no longer here to help us so having something newer takes a little of the stress off their shoulders for a while. On that note...if you don't have life insurance GET IT NOW!!! I mean it, nobody wants to have another bill to pay but if something was to happen to you, you would want your family taken care of. I would suggest Primerica, they have great policies at amazing prices...google them if you have to...just get 'r done!
*Do talk about the person that died, don't avoid talking about them or favorite memories. The spouse and kids that are left behind love to talk about them so that it makes them think that that person isn't forgotten and depending on the ages of the kids (like a few of my kiddos) these could be their only memories of the parent. Also, if you are one of the awesome people thinking of or currently dating/marrying a widow or widower just know that talking about the late spouse every so often is normal and needs to be allowed, especially if there are children still in the picture. Lets face it, if you have children I can guarantee they will talk about their Mom/Dad so the same consideration needs to be given to the children whose parent has died.
There is a part of a scripture that comes to mind when I think of the best way to help a person who has lost a loved one...it is: the first part of Mosiah 18:9 it says 9 Yea, and are awilling to mourn with those that bmourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.... Overall what a widow needs is unconditional love, support and maybe a person she can call to bring the ice cream and have a cry fest or even watch a chick flick!! She or He (even the widowers, even though they seem to get more support and encouragement to remarry...which is a whole nother post all together, lol) need to know that no matter what, where they go, what they do that YOU will be there to love them, support them, cry with them, laugh with them, rejoice with them, and be there to help them and their children for as long as you all shall live!!
Friday, January 31, 2014
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Beautiful Heartbreak
So its been 14-ish months since I last wrote on here and let me tell you...its been a roller coaster. Two days after Christmas of 2012 I went on a blind date. My wonderful friends set me up with a guy they know, actually my friend's husband worked with this guy. We had probably the LONGEST first date ever...he is a police officer and was working so we met up for dinner. Then he asked if I wanted to go on a ride along with him, of course I said yes and we had a huge call come in and I was stuck in a police car until 5am!! It was so fun and we hit it off so well that I gave him my number and told him to call me.
To make a seriously long story short we dated for 8 months. I was totally and completely head over heels and happy. All of our children (my 4 and his 2) hit it off with us and each other. We did things together just about every day. He met my Mom and my sister and they both really liked him. I saw him on July 4th and everything was great and...I haven't seen him since. He hasn't responded to any calls, texts or email and let me tell you...to say that is has been hard would be the understatement of the year!
Not only has my heart been broken but my children's hearts as well. They loved him and his children. Finding a man to date as a LDS widow is hard enough but when that relationship ends is even harder because when things end you start grieving all over again. I have gone through the whole entire "cycle of grief" many times since July. Not only have I been dealing with the cycle of grief but not getting any closure has also caused me to question everything about myself and try to figure out what it was about me that caused this to end. Did I go into depression? Yes! Has it been hard to get myself out of it? Yes! I have been trying to "get over it" but I was so invested in this relationship that I have had a really hard time. One of the hardest things have been trying to find the delicate balance of mending my heart but not letting it turn to stone to protect myself.
I have turned to relationship self help books, talking to a few close people to get a different perspective, turning to the Scriptures to find something that would help and all of those things did but not all the way. Since I am a very musical person I figured there had to be a song out there that could help me and surprise...there was! There is a song by Hilary Weeks that I have heard lots of times but it didn't touch me until trying to get over this heartbreak. These are the lyrics of the song, Beautiful Heartbreak:
I had it all mapped out in front of me,
Knew just where I wanted to go;
But life decided to change my plans,
And I found a mountain in the middle of my road.
I knew there was no way over it,
So I searched for a way around;
Brokenhearted I started climbin',
And at the top I found...
Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...
The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights;
I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.
I never dreamed my heart would make it,
I thought about turning around;
But heaven has shown me miracles,
I never would have seen from the ground.
Now I take the rain with the sunshine,
Cause there's one thing that I know;
He picks up the pieces,
Along each broken road.
Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...
The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights.
I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.
I would never trade...
The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights.
I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.
Sadly, this beautiful relationship turned into a beautiful heartbreak. I am still on the mend with this whole situation but I have learned this: I fell in love, 100%. I loved this past year more than I thought I was going to. It was a huge testimony to me of the capacity that our hearts have to love, loving more people does not diminish the love we already have for others, it increases it 100 fold. I am thankful for this guy and that he showed me that I am fully able to love again, I am also able to love children that aren't my own and the idea of having "step-kids" excites me, I have no regrets with this relationship and because of it and how it ended I have been able to stretch myself and strengthen my faith in my Savior who took me by the hand and lifted me up out of the depths of despair during those long, tear filled nights. I look forward to the day that a man will take this Widow and love her for her and love her children as his own, until that time happens I will continue to learn and improve myself from this beautiful heartbreak
To make a seriously long story short we dated for 8 months. I was totally and completely head over heels and happy. All of our children (my 4 and his 2) hit it off with us and each other. We did things together just about every day. He met my Mom and my sister and they both really liked him. I saw him on July 4th and everything was great and...I haven't seen him since. He hasn't responded to any calls, texts or email and let me tell you...to say that is has been hard would be the understatement of the year!
Not only has my heart been broken but my children's hearts as well. They loved him and his children. Finding a man to date as a LDS widow is hard enough but when that relationship ends is even harder because when things end you start grieving all over again. I have gone through the whole entire "cycle of grief" many times since July. Not only have I been dealing with the cycle of grief but not getting any closure has also caused me to question everything about myself and try to figure out what it was about me that caused this to end. Did I go into depression? Yes! Has it been hard to get myself out of it? Yes! I have been trying to "get over it" but I was so invested in this relationship that I have had a really hard time. One of the hardest things have been trying to find the delicate balance of mending my heart but not letting it turn to stone to protect myself.
I have turned to relationship self help books, talking to a few close people to get a different perspective, turning to the Scriptures to find something that would help and all of those things did but not all the way. Since I am a very musical person I figured there had to be a song out there that could help me and surprise...there was! There is a song by Hilary Weeks that I have heard lots of times but it didn't touch me until trying to get over this heartbreak. These are the lyrics of the song, Beautiful Heartbreak:
I had it all mapped out in front of me,
Knew just where I wanted to go;
But life decided to change my plans,
And I found a mountain in the middle of my road.
I knew there was no way over it,
So I searched for a way around;
Brokenhearted I started climbin',
And at the top I found...
Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...
The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights;
I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.
I never dreamed my heart would make it,
I thought about turning around;
But heaven has shown me miracles,
I never would have seen from the ground.
Now I take the rain with the sunshine,
Cause there's one thing that I know;
He picks up the pieces,
Along each broken road.
Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...
The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights.
I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.
I would never trade...
The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights.
I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.
Sadly, this beautiful relationship turned into a beautiful heartbreak. I am still on the mend with this whole situation but I have learned this: I fell in love, 100%. I loved this past year more than I thought I was going to. It was a huge testimony to me of the capacity that our hearts have to love, loving more people does not diminish the love we already have for others, it increases it 100 fold. I am thankful for this guy and that he showed me that I am fully able to love again, I am also able to love children that aren't my own and the idea of having "step-kids" excites me, I have no regrets with this relationship and because of it and how it ended I have been able to stretch myself and strengthen my faith in my Savior who took me by the hand and lifted me up out of the depths of despair during those long, tear filled nights. I look forward to the day that a man will take this Widow and love her for her and love her children as his own, until that time happens I will continue to learn and improve myself from this beautiful heartbreak
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