Beautiful Heartbreak

So its been 14-ish months since I last wrote on here and let me tell you...its been a roller coaster. Two days after Christmas of 2012 I went on a blind date. My wonderful friends set me up with a guy they know, actually my friend's husband worked with this guy. We had probably the LONGEST first date ever...he is a police officer and was working so we met up for dinner. Then he asked if I wanted to go on a ride along with him, of course I said yes and we had a huge call come in and I was stuck in a police car until 5am!! It was so fun and we hit it off so well that I gave him my number and told him to call me.

To make a seriously long story short we dated for 8 months. I was totally and completely head over heels and happy. All of our children (my 4 and his 2) hit it off with us and each other. We did things together just about every day. He met my Mom and my sister and they both really liked him. I saw him on July 4th and everything was great and...I haven't seen him since. He hasn't responded to any calls, texts or email and let me tell you...to say that is has been hard would be the understatement of the year!

Not only has my heart been broken but my children's hearts as well. They loved him and his children. Finding a man to date as a LDS widow is hard enough but when that relationship ends is even harder because when things end you start grieving all over again. I have gone through the whole entire "cycle of grief" many times since July. Not only have I been dealing with the cycle of grief but not getting any closure has also caused me to question everything about myself and try to figure out what it was about me that caused this to end. Did I go into depression? Yes! Has it been hard to get myself out of it? Yes! I have been trying to "get over it" but I was so invested in this relationship that I have had a really hard time. One of the hardest things have been trying to find the delicate balance of mending my heart but not letting it turn to stone to protect myself.

I have turned to relationship self help books, talking to a few close people to get a different perspective, turning to the Scriptures to find something that would help and all of those things did but not all the way. Since I am a very musical person I figured there had to be a song out there that could help me and surprise...there was! There is a song by Hilary Weeks that I have heard lots of times but it didn't touch me until trying to get over this heartbreak. These are the lyrics of the song, Beautiful Heartbreak:

I had it all mapped out in front of me, 
Knew just where I wanted to go; 
But life decided to change my plans, 
And I found a mountain in the middle of my road. 

I knew there was no way over it, 
So I searched for a way around; 
Brokenhearted I started climbin', 
And at the top I found... 

Every fear, every doubt, 
All the pain I went through; 
Was the price that I paid to see this view; 
And now that I'm here I would never trade... 

The grace that I feel, 
And the faith that I find; 
Through the bitter-sweet tears, 
And the sleepless nights; 

I used to pray he'd take it all away, 
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak. 

I never dreamed my heart would make it, 
I thought about turning around; 
But heaven has shown me miracles, 
I never would have seen from the ground. 

Now I take the rain with the sunshine, 
Cause there's one thing that I know; 
He picks up the pieces, 
Along each broken road. 

Every fear, every doubt, 
All the pain I went through; 
Was the price that I paid to see this view; 
And now that I'm here I would never trade... 

The grace that I feel, 
And the faith that I find; 
Through the bitter-sweet tears, 
And the sleepless nights. 

I used to pray he'd take it all away, 
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak. 

I would never trade... 

The grace that I feel, 
And the faith that I find; 
Through the bitter-sweet tears, 
And the sleepless nights. 

I used to pray he'd take it all away, 
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

Sadly, this beautiful relationship turned into a beautiful heartbreak. I am still on the mend with this whole situation but I have learned this: I fell in love, 100%. I loved this past year more than I thought I was going to. It was a huge testimony to me of the capacity that our hearts have to love, loving more people does not diminish the love we already have for others, it increases it 100 fold.  I am thankful for this guy and that he showed me that I am fully able to love again, I am also able to love children that aren't my own and the idea of having "step-kids" excites me, I have no regrets with this relationship and because of it and how it ended I have been able to stretch myself and strengthen my faith in my Savior who took me by the hand and lifted me up out of the depths of despair during those long, tear filled nights. I look forward to the day that a man will take this Widow and love her for her and love her children as his own, until that time happens I will continue to learn and improve myself from this beautiful heartbreak