I feel like I have talked about this before but it is on my mind so if it is a repeat, sorry about that! Life is kinda with out many adventures right now and like I said, this has been on my mind so just bear with me. There are many times that when I hear about a newly widowed person I wish that I could talk to their close friends and family and give them some pointers about what to say, what not to say and what a newly widowed person needs. We all know (or if you don't know now you do) NOT to say "I am sorry for your loss" (they aren't lost, they died), "If you need something call me" (in most cases we have no idea what we need because we haven't gone though this before...tell the widow what you are going to do for them like bring her dinner or something), "He/She is better off now" (umm...really? What could be better than being by my side?). You get the point right? So I have thought of a few things that may help when someone you know becomes widowed and if they aren't helpful its helpful to me to just put this out there.
*Let them serve you: we need to get out of ourselves, so letting us help you or others takes the focus off of ourselves and our grief and back to others. On the flip side don't be offended if we don't call for help. We know that you have your own life and family and we will do everything in our power first before we call for help.
*Don't assume that they don't know how to take care of themselves. I think the most offending thing I heard after Clint died was someone calling a family member of mine and telling him that he was passing the torch to him to take care of me. What!?! Who in the world gave them a freaking torch in the first place, it wasn't me and it certainly wasn't Clint...I would have kicked his butt if I heard him say something like that to someone and he knows it. I am a grown woman who has lost her spouse, not a child who has lost their parent and I sure as heck know to take care of myself and my children.
*I know some people in my church have heard an Apostle say that it took him about a year after his wife's passing to feel confident to make decisions, while this is sound advice PLEASE don't throw this in a widow's face when she needs to make a decision...depending on the circumstances some decisions can't wait. Also when she goes to make a big decision don't assume that just because she didn't come to you to make this decision that she didn't talk to someone about it. When I moved shortly after Clint died I talked to my Mom, my Bishop, my Stake President and my Cousin. So many people thought it was just a spur of the moment decision because I didn't talk to them about it. My decision consisted of lots of prayer, fasting and consulting with people that I felt would give me some solid advice.
*When the widow feels ready to date or at least test the waters please don't send them hate mail. When I started testing the waters I heard so many things like I wasn't honoring his memory, I had love once and needed to let others have a turn, and the kicker...I must have never loved him in the first place if I wasn't wanting another spouse. This topic gets me a little hot around the collar, what most people don't know is that when dating first crosses our minds we feel those exact same things but we do need to test the waters. I was 27 when I was widowed and the idea of being alone for the next 60+ years depresses me as I am sure it would you if you would stop and put yourselves in my shoes and actually think about it.
*If she happens to have some life insurance money after the death and uses it to buy a newer house or car don't assume that she is just buying the newer things because she has to have top of the line things or she is profiting off of the death. Just remember that we would give every cent back to have them back but the one person that we would go to with house problems or car problems is no longer here to help us so having something newer takes a little of the stress off their shoulders for a while. On that note...if you don't have life insurance GET IT NOW!!! I mean it, nobody wants to have another bill to pay but if something was to happen to you, you would want your family taken care of. I would suggest Primerica, they have great policies at amazing prices...google them if you have to...just get 'r done!
*Do talk about the person that died, don't avoid talking about them or favorite memories. The spouse and kids that are left behind love to talk about them so that it makes them think that that person isn't forgotten and depending on the ages of the kids (like a few of my kiddos) these could be their only memories of the parent. Also, if you are one of the awesome people thinking of or currently dating/marrying a widow or widower just know that talking about the late spouse every so often is normal and needs to be allowed, especially if there are children still in the picture. Lets face it, if you have children I can guarantee they will talk about their Mom/Dad so the same consideration needs to be given to the children whose parent has died.
There is a part of a scripture that comes to mind when I think of the best way to help a person who has lost a loved one...it is: the first part of Mosiah 18:9 it says 9 Yea, and are awilling to mourn with those that bmourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.... Overall what a widow needs is unconditional love, support and maybe a person she can call to bring the ice cream and have a cry fest or even watch a chick flick!! She or He (even the widowers, even though they seem to get more support and encouragement to remarry...which is a whole nother post all together, lol) need to know that no matter what, where they go, what they do that YOU will be there to love them, support them, cry with them, laugh with them, rejoice with them, and be there to help them and their children for as long as you all shall live!!
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