I have known for a while that I needed to write something but honestly...my life has been so stinkin' boring that I couldn't think of anything to say!! I mean I don't want to be a whiner and just write "poor me" posts all the time, gosh I need some adventure in my life!! Sadly this is going to be a "poor me" type of post, I have had a pretty hard time lately with my self esteem.
Clinton did such a fabulous job of boosting my self esteem...he would compliment me, thank me, tell me I am beautiful, be proud of me and my talents, basically he loved me no matter what. Just yesterday I was having an off day, I haven't had too many of those. I have battled with depression most of my adult life but thanks to some miracle from my Father in Heaven I haven't had many issues with my depression since Clint died. I know that is backwards but I feel like he took that trial from me to help me get through the trial of losing my husband. Sometimes thought, it sneaks up on me. I had a huge list of things yesterday that I couldn't lay off about myself they were:
1. My cold sore-yeah I know how lame is that...to be depressed over a cold sore, but I couldn't help it! I was feeling great, no stress (well I wasn't feeling stressed) and out of the blue a cold sore the size of Mount Rushmore appears by my lip. It felt like I had a neon sign on my face all day and people were staring at it. Honestly, I only really was upset by it because I have just started a new job where I interact with people all day long and lets face it...who wants to talk to a girl with Mount Rushmore on her face?
2. My weight-so I guess since seeing my nurse last month that I am feeling much better, so much in fact that I have GAINED 8 POUNDS!! I mean really, who in their right mind gains 8lbs in a month? I feel huge! Granted my face doesn't look so sickly anymore but I can't accept the fact in my brain that this has been a "healthy" 8lbs. I have gone from eating toddler sized portions (if I could even eat that much) to normal portions and now I get all bloated from eating and I kick myself from eating all the food on my normal sized plate. This I suppose is a battle in my head but I am terrified of gaining back all of the 100lbs that I have lost.
3. My voice-throwing up and acid reflux is not, and I repeat NOT good for your vocal cords. Since June I had been throwing up quite a bit and the majority of the time I would wake up in the middle of the night with my throat burning due to the fact that I had stomach acid in my throat. I have been singing but not to the best of my ability. There is a version of O Holy Night that we are singing in my choir and the sopranos go up to an A, easy peasy right? Wrong...normally I can sing that no problem but these last few rehearsals I am singing along get to that point in the song and nothing...I mean nothing is coming out. I can't hit the note, heck I can't even sing anything for a few minutes. I have serious vocal fatigue after rehearsals and I can't even talk normal afterwards. I am worried that I have some damage to my vocal cords from the stomach acid but I have no insurance so I can't go see a Dr to have that checked out. Singing is my only talent and it gets me through the hard times...what am I going to do if I can't do that anymore?
4. My house and car-these two things have been put on the back burner these past several months. When I was really sick I could really only do the necessities just to get us by. My house needs deep cleaned and my car...yuck...desperately needs to be cleaned out and detailed. I feel so overwhelmed with it all that I don't even know where to start. I am finally to the point where I don't tire easily anymore and so I can do a little at a time with it all to get it in order but it is just frustrating that I can't do it all right now.
5. My job-now don't get me wrong this job has been a huge blessing but it has been a mental challenge for me to be ok with it. I have been a stay at home Mom for 9yrs and even when I was first married I only worked for fun and I was supposed to be a stay at home Mom for the rest of my life because Clinton could support us. I know my kids are self sufficient they are 10, 9, 6 and almost 5 but it is hard to not be here for them 24/7.
6.My loneliness-oh how I miss having that one special person to love me no matter what my faults are. I miss having someone to hold and hold me, someone who cares about my day, someone that can help me with my kids, someone who calls me or sends me flowers just because. I know that I am not alone but I still feel lonely. I have so much love to give but nobody to give that love to. I didn't realize how much I missed having all that and more, until this week.
So as I was sitting at home all day long dwelling on those 6 things plus all of my other short comings I went on to facebook and starting browsing around my LDS Widows and Widowers group and all of their postings. This is an amazing group of people...people from all over that have joined a club that nobody wants to belong to. This group has amazing strength and wisdom, yes we do at times bicker like siblings but we have so much love and respect for each other. Anyways they were sharing some scriptures that have helped them lately and a couple of them applied to me, they were:
"Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks; waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament - the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted." DC 98:1-2
"But learn that he who doeth the works of righteousness shall receive his reward, even peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come." DC 59:23
"And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious, and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more." DC 78:19
This last one isn't a scripture but a quote from an Apostle of my church, he said “The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.”
Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (1917–2008), “Come What May, and Love It,” Ensign, Nov. 2008, 28.
Wow, talk about an eye-opener!! The Lord hears my prayers and if I continue on in righteousness I will have peace and eternal life. The Lord will make up for my loss, I just have to be patient and wait for that to happen. Lastly, I need to be thankful for everything that has been given to me so that I can continue being blessed. Such simple truths and they are things that I can forget when things get overwhelming. It is time for me to do better and put these to use. I have started a gratitude journal for the month and it has been such a wonderful thing for me to do. I have been able to see all of the blessings in my life. I can't wait to share them with you when this month is over. I hope that maybe you have learned something from this "poor me" post that can help you overcome your "poor me" days.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Sunday, September 30, 2012
A little matter of life and death
Normally I have issues with the month of September for some two pretty valid reasons 1. My Mom's house caught on fire 3yrs ago with my two sons and my sister in the house and 2. 3 weeks after my Mom's house fire is when Clinton passed away. So I usually have a hard time with this month because it is so full of memories and sad times. This year though I thought it was going to be different for me, I was ready for it and was ready to turn it into a positive month but apparently that was not to be the case. I have had several other people that I know die this month and I have been sick for more than half of it. The sicknesses wouldn't normally be that big of an issue except for one of them it really became a matter of life and death for me. It all started the day the chicken-ka-bob tried to kill me.....
Let me preface this by saying that 2 1/2 yrs ago I went to Mexico and got the lap-band done, I didn't want to leave my kids orphaned because of my weight and also a guy straight up told me that I would never find love again as long as I was that heavy. *Sigh* the things we do for love, right? Anyways on with the story...
In June I went to AZ and had my nurse tighten my lap-band so I could lose the last 20-30lbs and finally hit my 100lb mark. I realized on my way home that it was too tight because I had a hard time drinking water but when I lose weight it also loosens the lap-band so I figured I would be ok but I have had to eat really crunchy food or soft food. One day this month my sister Valerie bought chicken-ka-bobs for dinner and I grilled them up and we ate them and after my first bite of chicken I realized something was wrong. Apparently I didn't chew the chicken enough (we are told to chew our food at least 30 times before swallowing) and I created a blockage.
I have never had a blockage before so I wasn't sure what was going on but I had a slight idea, I kept on throwing up but the chicken wouldn't come out. I really thought that if I threw up enough that would dislodge the chicken and I would be ok. I spent the next six days not being able to eat or drink anything and throwing up. I was surprised that being so dehydrated that I still had stuff to throw up but I did, there was no relief from it.
I was starving, severely dehydrated and amazingly still throwing up when I felt I had nothing left in me. My urine was dark, dark yellow/brown. I know you are wondering why I didn't go to the hospital. I thought about it over and over again but I don't have any health insurance or money to go there, I am still paying on my broken fingers from last year. It got to the point where I really couldn't walk, if I had to go anywhere I had to crawl and that would take all of my energy, I kept a bowl by the couch to throw up in. All I could do was drag myself out of bed and lay on the couch where Alizabeth became my nurse during the day. If I felt cold to her she would cover me up and take off the blanket if I felt hot, she would sit right next to me and talk to me. Every time I think back on this I just cry when I realize how scared my baby girl must have been. She was so brave, she really has it in her to become a nurse, she would even try to get me to drink but I just couldn't
I remember the first couple of days but the next 4-5 days are a blur. I had a friend ask me how I was (she knew I was sick but didn't know with what or how bad) and I told her I was in and out of consciousness, she laughed but little did she know that was the actual truth. I don't remember much of those days but I do remember thinking "a person can only survive 7 days without water...how many days has it been?" The morning of the 6th day I asked Heavenly Father not to take me but if he had to then to please wait until my sister got home so my kids didn't have to deal with it alone I can't believe that I actually had to have that conversation with Heavenly Father but right then and there I knew that I would not leave my kids orphaned, as much as I love and miss Clint I am not ready to see him yet. My kids need me here way more than he needs me there and I let Heavenly Father know all of this and that if I could stay then he needed to tell me what to do. I had no idea who to call and I didn't have much strength to make many phone calls...I needed an answer and the strength to do what I needed to do.
Suddenly I had a clear mind and I made the phone call to my nurse in AZ. Her first response was for me to get to her asap so she could take my fill out of my lap-band but then I reminded her that I was in ID. She was so nervous and told me a couple of things to try and if it didn't work then I promised her to get to the hospital. Thankfully the couple of things she told me to do worked and I was able to keep down a teaspoon of beef broth. When Valerie cam home from work I let her know that I called that nurse and what she said to do. The look of relief was imminent on her face, she was so worried that she was going to lose me if she couldn't convince me to go to the hospital and she was eager to get started on what the nurse said to do. I had to stay up all night sipping a teaspoon of beef broth every 30min or so but I was finally getting fluid into me. She sent me a prescription that would open my esophagus and force through the food that was causing the block and with that, the bags of ice I had on my chest to get the swelling in my esophagus down and the sipping of beef broth I was finally heading in the right direction.
Honestly this may not sound so scary to most of you but I have never been so scared in my life. I know several friends who were hospitalized for what I just went through and they too were close to death. It truly was terrifying and I know now that it isn't my time to go. I am still really weak and tired all the time, I need to up my water intake but my lap-band is still too tight so I can't drink more water. I now worry about the effect this has had on my organs but I can only hope and pray nothing too bad has happened. I hope to save up money and get to AZ and get my fill out so I can get my body recovered properly. I told my friend that this ordeal rocked my world,..and not in a good way. This has really shaken me up and at the same time opened my eyes to what is really that important in my life...my kids. This life is for so much more than all the rushing around that we do...running errands, cleaning the house, taking kids to and from more practices than is good for them. Our family should be our biggest priority I remember reading this from "President David O. McKay:
" 'The home is the first and most effective place for children to learn the lessons of life: truth, honor, virtue, self-control; the value of education, honest work, and the purpose and privilege of life. Nothing can take the place of home in rearing and teaching children, and no other success can compensate for failure in the home.' (Family Home Evening Manual 1968-69, p. iii.)"
I now know with out a shadow of a doubt that my family is going to be my top priority and I also learned that I have an amazing life ahead of me full of happiness and love. Sadly it took a brush with death to teach me this, maybe I am just that stubborn. I am now looking forward to my future with great excitement, I can't wait to start the wonderful life that lies ahead of me. I am also so grateful to still be here to day to write this story for you, life is good and should be filled with those that you love. So live it happily and
Let me preface this by saying that 2 1/2 yrs ago I went to Mexico and got the lap-band done, I didn't want to leave my kids orphaned because of my weight and also a guy straight up told me that I would never find love again as long as I was that heavy. *Sigh* the things we do for love, right? Anyways on with the story...
In June I went to AZ and had my nurse tighten my lap-band so I could lose the last 20-30lbs and finally hit my 100lb mark. I realized on my way home that it was too tight because I had a hard time drinking water but when I lose weight it also loosens the lap-band so I figured I would be ok but I have had to eat really crunchy food or soft food. One day this month my sister Valerie bought chicken-ka-bobs for dinner and I grilled them up and we ate them and after my first bite of chicken I realized something was wrong. Apparently I didn't chew the chicken enough (we are told to chew our food at least 30 times before swallowing) and I created a blockage.
I have never had a blockage before so I wasn't sure what was going on but I had a slight idea, I kept on throwing up but the chicken wouldn't come out. I really thought that if I threw up enough that would dislodge the chicken and I would be ok. I spent the next six days not being able to eat or drink anything and throwing up. I was surprised that being so dehydrated that I still had stuff to throw up but I did, there was no relief from it.
I was starving, severely dehydrated and amazingly still throwing up when I felt I had nothing left in me. My urine was dark, dark yellow/brown. I know you are wondering why I didn't go to the hospital. I thought about it over and over again but I don't have any health insurance or money to go there, I am still paying on my broken fingers from last year. It got to the point where I really couldn't walk, if I had to go anywhere I had to crawl and that would take all of my energy, I kept a bowl by the couch to throw up in. All I could do was drag myself out of bed and lay on the couch where Alizabeth became my nurse during the day. If I felt cold to her she would cover me up and take off the blanket if I felt hot, she would sit right next to me and talk to me. Every time I think back on this I just cry when I realize how scared my baby girl must have been. She was so brave, she really has it in her to become a nurse, she would even try to get me to drink but I just couldn't
I remember the first couple of days but the next 4-5 days are a blur. I had a friend ask me how I was (she knew I was sick but didn't know with what or how bad) and I told her I was in and out of consciousness, she laughed but little did she know that was the actual truth. I don't remember much of those days but I do remember thinking "a person can only survive 7 days without water...how many days has it been?" The morning of the 6th day I asked Heavenly Father not to take me but if he had to then to please wait until my sister got home so my kids didn't have to deal with it alone I can't believe that I actually had to have that conversation with Heavenly Father but right then and there I knew that I would not leave my kids orphaned, as much as I love and miss Clint I am not ready to see him yet. My kids need me here way more than he needs me there and I let Heavenly Father know all of this and that if I could stay then he needed to tell me what to do. I had no idea who to call and I didn't have much strength to make many phone calls...I needed an answer and the strength to do what I needed to do.
Suddenly I had a clear mind and I made the phone call to my nurse in AZ. Her first response was for me to get to her asap so she could take my fill out of my lap-band but then I reminded her that I was in ID. She was so nervous and told me a couple of things to try and if it didn't work then I promised her to get to the hospital. Thankfully the couple of things she told me to do worked and I was able to keep down a teaspoon of beef broth. When Valerie cam home from work I let her know that I called that nurse and what she said to do. The look of relief was imminent on her face, she was so worried that she was going to lose me if she couldn't convince me to go to the hospital and she was eager to get started on what the nurse said to do. I had to stay up all night sipping a teaspoon of beef broth every 30min or so but I was finally getting fluid into me. She sent me a prescription that would open my esophagus and force through the food that was causing the block and with that, the bags of ice I had on my chest to get the swelling in my esophagus down and the sipping of beef broth I was finally heading in the right direction.
Honestly this may not sound so scary to most of you but I have never been so scared in my life. I know several friends who were hospitalized for what I just went through and they too were close to death. It truly was terrifying and I know now that it isn't my time to go. I am still really weak and tired all the time, I need to up my water intake but my lap-band is still too tight so I can't drink more water. I now worry about the effect this has had on my organs but I can only hope and pray nothing too bad has happened. I hope to save up money and get to AZ and get my fill out so I can get my body recovered properly. I told my friend that this ordeal rocked my world,..and not in a good way. This has really shaken me up and at the same time opened my eyes to what is really that important in my life...my kids. This life is for so much more than all the rushing around that we do...running errands, cleaning the house, taking kids to and from more practices than is good for them. Our family should be our biggest priority I remember reading this from "President David O. McKay:
" 'The home is the first and most effective place for children to learn the lessons of life: truth, honor, virtue, self-control; the value of education, honest work, and the purpose and privilege of life. Nothing can take the place of home in rearing and teaching children, and no other success can compensate for failure in the home.' (Family Home Evening Manual 1968-69, p. iii.)"
I now know with out a shadow of a doubt that my family is going to be my top priority and I also learned that I have an amazing life ahead of me full of happiness and love. Sadly it took a brush with death to teach me this, maybe I am just that stubborn. I am now looking forward to my future with great excitement, I can't wait to start the wonderful life that lies ahead of me. I am also so grateful to still be here to day to write this story for you, life is good and should be filled with those that you love. So live it happily and
“Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, but with great purpose in heart.” - Gordon B. Hinckley
Friday, August 10, 2012
A Birth Leads to a Day of Mixed Emotins
I am pretty darn excited because I just had a very first happen to me but at the same time I am sad because I don't have that "special someone" to call and tell all about it. My sister Robin had a beautiful baby girl on Monday, August 6th at 4;38pm. Her name is Emma Rae and she was 7lbs 6.5oz, 20in long and absolutely the sweetest thing ever!! That was the first time have ever been in a delivery room that didn't consist of me having a c-section and stressing if my baby was still alive or not. I feel so blessed to be able to fly out to Missouri and be here for Robin and Eddie and I feel even more blessed that they asked me to stay in the room with them while Robin delivered.
It was the most amazing thing to be a part of, I am in total awe of the strength of the Moms as they go through such a hard thing and then seeing on her face that the sweet gift from Heaven was totally worth all the pain. I now know how Clint and my Mom felt when I was in labor with my oldest son, Mathew, you want so badly to take their pain away and feel completely helpless but then you swell with pride after she delivers the baby that it just makes you cry. It is completely emotionally and physically draining!!
After Emma was born I was completely beside myself and I wished so badly that I could call someone that loves me and I could tell them all about it and have them share in my joy but I don't have anyone and then that night I sat and thought about all the dates I have gone on and my annoyance with it all and then that put me in a bad mood so I ate some cake. lol I almost got on the computer and blogged out my emotions but I hate blogging when I am in a bad mood because then the whole blog is negative and nobody likes a "negative Nancy" so I have taken a few days to think about it and am now ready to blog. :) So let me tell you about what I have discovered about the types of men I have dated..
I am almost positive I have said this before but I will say it again, being a widow in my church is a hard thing. Most men are looking for someone they can spend Eternity with and since I am already sealed to Clint that puts me out of the running (due to some technical stuff that I don't care to explain right now, just take my word on it). So I need to find a man who will love me, my kids and be OK with us being married "'Til Death Do Us Part".
Never Married Man: now I haven't gone on a date with a guy who has never been married mostly because they hear the word "widow" and they high-tail it in the different direction. I have danced with a never been married guy and when I said I was widowed he said "hmm...please excuse me" and leaves me standing there in the middle of the dance floor while the song is still playing. Yep, pretty humiliating.
Divorcee: I have dated a some divorcees and actually in a relationship with one guy. It was pretty good at first and he was accepting of the fact that I couldn't be sealed to him. Then I found out the truth about him...he was still married (they were going to file for divorce but hadn't yet) and he was dating another girl while he was dating me and legally married to his wife. Never in my life did I think that I would be cheated on while being the "other woman". As soon as I figured that out I dropped his sorry butt and he is now officially divorced and actually married to the other girl he was dating. So lets just say that after that fiasco, I have some trust issues with the divorcees...you know like not getting the whole story. Yeah, I felt used, betrayed and so horrible after that.
Widower: now I am going to be truthful here and say that my ideal companion will be a Widower, they will understand more of what my children and I have gone through and more accepting of my sealing with Clint...well most of them. I have dated some Widowers and they are great men, granted it takes some getting used to when you can openly talk about your deceased spouse but it is nice to not have any jealousy from either person about the previous spouse because you are in the same boat. The biggest issue I have found is that Widowers are in high demand and there are thousands of Widows for them to choose from. There is always someone prettier, skinnier and more interesting for them to choose from. They also tend to befriend you, give you attention that you have been craving and then push you aside for a new friend. I am still trying to figure them out. lol
God's Gift to You: this category can consist with men from any of the previous categories. These men are interesting because they come off as so nice, considerate and even tell you that they don't care that you are a Widow. They start looking for things that you are interested in and seem almost perfect and then when you decide its not going to work for whatever reason then they turn pretty mean. They then go on to tell you that nobody else is going to want to marry you because you are a Widow so if you ever want to find happiness then you better not call it quits or you will be alone for the rest of your life. They also let you know that they will "sacrifice their Eternal happiness if they marry you but they would do that for you". Yeah I didn't want that hanging over my head for the next 60+ years.
Friend: The person that you click so well with and start off as friends because you get along so well, you trust them and confide many things in them and then all of a sudden you see a possible future together but they still have you in the friend category. This category is the hardest for me to maneuver, with the others they either break your heart or you have a successful relationship. There is no dancing around the relationship status. But the friend category is one where you can be stuck in forever because you don't want to spoil the friendship by telling the other person your true feelings. This category still bugs me because I can't seem to find a good solution for it.
This is what I have been stewing over for the past several days and honestly I feel better about everything but I still have a sense of longing for a companion. I know it will happen in the Lord's time and I guess I do get some pretty good stories out of everything from the dating world. So until Heavenly Father decides to send me my companion I will just keep chugging on, writing my stories and for the next two days soak up as much newborn love as I can before I head home and back to reality!!!!
It was the most amazing thing to be a part of, I am in total awe of the strength of the Moms as they go through such a hard thing and then seeing on her face that the sweet gift from Heaven was totally worth all the pain. I now know how Clint and my Mom felt when I was in labor with my oldest son, Mathew, you want so badly to take their pain away and feel completely helpless but then you swell with pride after she delivers the baby that it just makes you cry. It is completely emotionally and physically draining!!
After Emma was born I was completely beside myself and I wished so badly that I could call someone that loves me and I could tell them all about it and have them share in my joy but I don't have anyone and then that night I sat and thought about all the dates I have gone on and my annoyance with it all and then that put me in a bad mood so I ate some cake. lol I almost got on the computer and blogged out my emotions but I hate blogging when I am in a bad mood because then the whole blog is negative and nobody likes a "negative Nancy" so I have taken a few days to think about it and am now ready to blog. :) So let me tell you about what I have discovered about the types of men I have dated..
I am almost positive I have said this before but I will say it again, being a widow in my church is a hard thing. Most men are looking for someone they can spend Eternity with and since I am already sealed to Clint that puts me out of the running (due to some technical stuff that I don't care to explain right now, just take my word on it). So I need to find a man who will love me, my kids and be OK with us being married "'Til Death Do Us Part".
Here are 5 categories I have lumped the men that I have dated into:
Never Married Man: now I haven't gone on a date with a guy who has never been married mostly because they hear the word "widow" and they high-tail it in the different direction. I have danced with a never been married guy and when I said I was widowed he said "hmm...please excuse me" and leaves me standing there in the middle of the dance floor while the song is still playing. Yep, pretty humiliating.
Divorcee: I have dated a some divorcees and actually in a relationship with one guy. It was pretty good at first and he was accepting of the fact that I couldn't be sealed to him. Then I found out the truth about him...he was still married (they were going to file for divorce but hadn't yet) and he was dating another girl while he was dating me and legally married to his wife. Never in my life did I think that I would be cheated on while being the "other woman". As soon as I figured that out I dropped his sorry butt and he is now officially divorced and actually married to the other girl he was dating. So lets just say that after that fiasco, I have some trust issues with the divorcees...you know like not getting the whole story. Yeah, I felt used, betrayed and so horrible after that.
Widower: now I am going to be truthful here and say that my ideal companion will be a Widower, they will understand more of what my children and I have gone through and more accepting of my sealing with Clint...well most of them. I have dated some Widowers and they are great men, granted it takes some getting used to when you can openly talk about your deceased spouse but it is nice to not have any jealousy from either person about the previous spouse because you are in the same boat. The biggest issue I have found is that Widowers are in high demand and there are thousands of Widows for them to choose from. There is always someone prettier, skinnier and more interesting for them to choose from. They also tend to befriend you, give you attention that you have been craving and then push you aside for a new friend. I am still trying to figure them out. lol
God's Gift to You: this category can consist with men from any of the previous categories. These men are interesting because they come off as so nice, considerate and even tell you that they don't care that you are a Widow. They start looking for things that you are interested in and seem almost perfect and then when you decide its not going to work for whatever reason then they turn pretty mean. They then go on to tell you that nobody else is going to want to marry you because you are a Widow so if you ever want to find happiness then you better not call it quits or you will be alone for the rest of your life. They also let you know that they will "sacrifice their Eternal happiness if they marry you but they would do that for you". Yeah I didn't want that hanging over my head for the next 60+ years.
Friend: The person that you click so well with and start off as friends because you get along so well, you trust them and confide many things in them and then all of a sudden you see a possible future together but they still have you in the friend category. This category is the hardest for me to maneuver, with the others they either break your heart or you have a successful relationship. There is no dancing around the relationship status. But the friend category is one where you can be stuck in forever because you don't want to spoil the friendship by telling the other person your true feelings. This category still bugs me because I can't seem to find a good solution for it.
This is what I have been stewing over for the past several days and honestly I feel better about everything but I still have a sense of longing for a companion. I know it will happen in the Lord's time and I guess I do get some pretty good stories out of everything from the dating world. So until Heavenly Father decides to send me my companion I will just keep chugging on, writing my stories and for the next two days soak up as much newborn love as I can before I head home and back to reality!!!!
Monday, July 9, 2012
Decisions, Decisions
Did you ever have question that was asked to you as a teenager and you knew that if you answered what was in your heart it would annoy the person asking it? Yeah, I know there are quite a few of those types of questions but I am referring to one in particular that always made me feel that way. It was the "what do you want to be when you grow up?" question. I hated that question, it always made my head hurt which in turn caused me to have a major Dr.Pepper addiction. I think why it annoyed me was because I knew exactly what other people thought I should be come (a music teacher of some sort) and I knew my answer wasn't "acceptable" to society (a wife and mother).
I knew from an early age that all I wanted to be was a wife and mother...well after I got over the whole idea of wanting to become a baby doctor and a singer. I loved kids and I wanted to be the best mother and wife in the whole wide world. I was able to be a wife and mother for 8 1/2yrs, I had an amazing husband who worked hard so I could stay at home with our children. I eventually started selling Mary Kay so that I could have some girl time, extra spending money and he took care of the kids so that I could do that. Sadly all of that came to an end almost 3yrs ago, when my wonderful husband lost his fight to cancer.
You may be wondering why I am talking about this now. Well the truth is I realized a year ago that I am in need of a job. So I went to Dental Assisting school and enjoyed it (didn't love it but I caught on quickly and usually the pay is great) and haven't been able to find a job. When I think about what would make me happy I think of being a wife and mother. I am no longer a wife and have realized that I was a way better mother when I had a husband who would back me up and help with the load. My kids get survivor's benefits from their Dad and we have had several letters telling us we may not get their money on a specific month because they are running out of money. It has been a scary year for me, if we don't get that money that will leave my kids and I homeless.
I started looking at my options of what to do: I could push Mary Kay, I did well with it and enjoyed myself but I lost all of my customers when I stopped doing it all the time once Clint started getting even more sick with his cancer, so I will have to start all over. I could sell life insurance again but I tried last year and realized I only enjoyed that because I was doing it for Clint and he isn't here to be my partner in it. I have tried finding a dental assisting job but I have no experience and haven't found a dentist willing to take a chance on me. Then that opens a whole new can of worms...what do I do with my kids when I am working a full time job, how do I afford day care for all of them, how can I still be the Mom they need right now as they continue to adjust to life without their Dad while I am working full time? I have thought about giving voice lessons and doing preschool music classes out of my home but I don't have a degree or anything so why would people want to send their kid to a random person's house that "knows a lot about music and really likes to sing"?
Some days I just want to hide under my covers and forget about the job situation that is constantly raining on me like eeyore's rain cloud. This is just another thing that becoming a Widow throws at you, another problem that needs solved without the guidance of a spouse. I just have to remember that I need to have faith. I have been told that I will teach my children the meaning of sacrifice and I guess that applies to getting some sort of job and sacrificing my time with them and having faith that Heavenly Father will fill in the gaps. I came across this quote that really hit home to me "...the truer measure of sacrifice isn't so much what one gives to sacrifice as what one sacrifices to give. Faith isn't tested so much when the cupboard is full as when it is bare. In these defining moments, the crisis doesn't create one's character it reveals it."
--Lynn G. Robbins, "Tithing, a Commandment Even for the Destitute," Ensign, May 2005, 34
Our faith is constantly being tested and I hope and pray that the character that is revealed is one that we can be proud of. So off I go to try and provide for my family while having faith...this should be interesting!
I knew from an early age that all I wanted to be was a wife and mother...well after I got over the whole idea of wanting to become a baby doctor and a singer. I loved kids and I wanted to be the best mother and wife in the whole wide world. I was able to be a wife and mother for 8 1/2yrs, I had an amazing husband who worked hard so I could stay at home with our children. I eventually started selling Mary Kay so that I could have some girl time, extra spending money and he took care of the kids so that I could do that. Sadly all of that came to an end almost 3yrs ago, when my wonderful husband lost his fight to cancer.
You may be wondering why I am talking about this now. Well the truth is I realized a year ago that I am in need of a job. So I went to Dental Assisting school and enjoyed it (didn't love it but I caught on quickly and usually the pay is great) and haven't been able to find a job. When I think about what would make me happy I think of being a wife and mother. I am no longer a wife and have realized that I was a way better mother when I had a husband who would back me up and help with the load. My kids get survivor's benefits from their Dad and we have had several letters telling us we may not get their money on a specific month because they are running out of money. It has been a scary year for me, if we don't get that money that will leave my kids and I homeless.
I started looking at my options of what to do: I could push Mary Kay, I did well with it and enjoyed myself but I lost all of my customers when I stopped doing it all the time once Clint started getting even more sick with his cancer, so I will have to start all over. I could sell life insurance again but I tried last year and realized I only enjoyed that because I was doing it for Clint and he isn't here to be my partner in it. I have tried finding a dental assisting job but I have no experience and haven't found a dentist willing to take a chance on me. Then that opens a whole new can of worms...what do I do with my kids when I am working a full time job, how do I afford day care for all of them, how can I still be the Mom they need right now as they continue to adjust to life without their Dad while I am working full time? I have thought about giving voice lessons and doing preschool music classes out of my home but I don't have a degree or anything so why would people want to send their kid to a random person's house that "knows a lot about music and really likes to sing"?
Some days I just want to hide under my covers and forget about the job situation that is constantly raining on me like eeyore's rain cloud. This is just another thing that becoming a Widow throws at you, another problem that needs solved without the guidance of a spouse. I just have to remember that I need to have faith. I have been told that I will teach my children the meaning of sacrifice and I guess that applies to getting some sort of job and sacrificing my time with them and having faith that Heavenly Father will fill in the gaps. I came across this quote that really hit home to me "...the truer measure of sacrifice isn't so much what one gives to sacrifice as what one sacrifices to give. Faith isn't tested so much when the cupboard is full as when it is bare. In these defining moments, the crisis doesn't create one's character it reveals it."
--Lynn G. Robbins, "Tithing, a Commandment Even for the Destitute," Ensign, May 2005, 34
oh, p.s. I am going to a Mary Kay meeting tonight so I guess I decided to start with that and see where it takes me. If anyone needs a Mary Kay consultant tell them about me or have them check out my website www.marykay.com/aflake lol, it is shameful of me to promote myself on here but I gotta start somewhere!! :)
Sunday, May 13, 2012
The Mother's Day Ah-ha Moment
Well today is Mother's Day...not my most favorite holiday. In fact since becoming widowed, I have learned to treat this day as any other day. It has been hard because I don't have that special someone to make my day special, to cook for me, to take the kids to get me gifts, or to just plain give me a break. So needless to say I have had a pretty bad attitude today. I have had 3 different things come to me that as I processed them helped me to come to an ah-ha moment and actually feel better about this day and every other day.
So we went to church, which I was pretty much dreading, because all the kids were going to sing to all the Moms and my sweet little girl has been practicing the song all week long. She was just so excited that I couldn't not take her. I think the annoying thing about going to church is that you hear all this wonderful stuff about the super-moms out there and then go home feeling like a complete failure. Some days I am hanging on by a thread and I can't keep the peace between the kids, keep the house clean or even cook dinner so we just eat out again...and so it is kinda hard to listen to all the praise everyone is handing out. There I was thinking of all the things I do completely wrong when my Bishop said "if you don't feel like you are the best Mom or if you are thinking of all the things you do "wrong" (I swear its like he was reading my mind) then open your heart, soften it and try again tomorrow".
During my Bishop's talk I was talking to this great friend of mine (yes, bad April for texting during church) I think so highly of him...he is my go to person for pretty much everything...I am not sure he realizes how much he has helped me and how much I appreciate him. Anyways, I texted him and vented at him my thoughts and feelings about today and he said "Don't be so hard on yourself, if you need to eat out some/most/all days then do it. Forget about peace, you have kids...it is a myth. Just relax and hug your kids."
Finally the last thing that came to me today to help get to my ah-ha moment was the lyrics to a song that is sung at my church. It is called "Come, Come Ye Saints"
"Though hard to you this journey may appear, Grace shall be as your day."
By the second verse I was in tears.
"Why should we morn or think our lot is hard?
'Tis not so; all is right.
Why should we think to earn a great reward
If we now shun the fight?
Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
Our God will never us forsake;
And soon we'll have this tale to tell--
All is well! All is well!
Those words hit me hard...and tonight as I sat here pondering the things that have come to my mind it finally it me what my Heavenly Father has been trying to get through to me all day. I have been walking around Idaho with a bad attitude since I have moved back here. It is time to soften my heart, gird up my loins, fresh courage take, be easy on myself, relax and remember that God will never forsake me. For some reason He has sent me to Idaho and I need to be open so I can do what I was sent here to do and then I can move on with my life. Tomorrow is the start of a new day and a new attitude. I know things aren't going to be "perfect" but they will be EXACTLY as The Lord intended.
So we went to church, which I was pretty much dreading, because all the kids were going to sing to all the Moms and my sweet little girl has been practicing the song all week long. She was just so excited that I couldn't not take her. I think the annoying thing about going to church is that you hear all this wonderful stuff about the super-moms out there and then go home feeling like a complete failure. Some days I am hanging on by a thread and I can't keep the peace between the kids, keep the house clean or even cook dinner so we just eat out again...and so it is kinda hard to listen to all the praise everyone is handing out. There I was thinking of all the things I do completely wrong when my Bishop said "if you don't feel like you are the best Mom or if you are thinking of all the things you do "wrong" (I swear its like he was reading my mind) then open your heart, soften it and try again tomorrow".
During my Bishop's talk I was talking to this great friend of mine (yes, bad April for texting during church) I think so highly of him...he is my go to person for pretty much everything...I am not sure he realizes how much he has helped me and how much I appreciate him. Anyways, I texted him and vented at him my thoughts and feelings about today and he said "Don't be so hard on yourself, if you need to eat out some/most/all days then do it. Forget about peace, you have kids...it is a myth. Just relax and hug your kids."
Finally the last thing that came to me today to help get to my ah-ha moment was the lyrics to a song that is sung at my church. It is called "Come, Come Ye Saints"
"Though hard to you this journey may appear, Grace shall be as your day."
By the second verse I was in tears.
"Why should we morn or think our lot is hard?
'Tis not so; all is right.
Why should we think to earn a great reward
If we now shun the fight?
Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
Our God will never us forsake;
And soon we'll have this tale to tell--
All is well! All is well!
Those words hit me hard...and tonight as I sat here pondering the things that have come to my mind it finally it me what my Heavenly Father has been trying to get through to me all day. I have been walking around Idaho with a bad attitude since I have moved back here. It is time to soften my heart, gird up my loins, fresh courage take, be easy on myself, relax and remember that God will never forsake me. For some reason He has sent me to Idaho and I need to be open so I can do what I was sent here to do and then I can move on with my life. Tomorrow is the start of a new day and a new attitude. I know things aren't going to be "perfect" but they will be EXACTLY as The Lord intended.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Endure to the End
Endure to the End? Some days it seems almost impossible to endure anything much less to the end. So often in life people find themselves bombarded with life and aren't quite sure how to keep going. I have been pondering these words lately especially because of some changes that have happened to us...I know what else is new right? So I decided to google the words and get their definitions for a better understanding and this is what I found...
Endure:
to regard with acceptance or toleranceendure noisy children
Endure:
to regard with acceptance or tolerance
to undergo (as a hardship) especially without giving in :suffer <endured great pain> to continue in the same state : last endured for centuries>
to remain firm under suffering or misfortune without yieldingendure>
To:
used as a function word to indicate movement or an action or condition suggestive of movement toward a place, person, or thing reached to the city> tothe original idea> to lunch>
The:
used as a function word before a noun denoting time to indicate reference to what is present or immediate or is under consideration the future>
End:
a point that marks the extent of something (2) : the point where something ceases to exist end>
*thanks http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary for the definitions*
Wow, so did you learn as much as I did? So basically we have to remain firm always pressing forward towards the point where something ceases to exist. If I understand that correctly we have to DO something not just leisurely waste this life away. I read a really great quote by an Apostle in my church on Enduring to the End, I am going to show you a couple pieces that really hit home to me on this subject.
"Therefore, enduring to the end is not just a matter of passively tolerating life's difficult circumstances or 'hanging in there"..."Enduring to the end is a process filling every minute of our life, every hour, every day, from sunrise to sunrise." -Dieter F. Uchtdorf
OK so I actually found two quotes that I like, here is the other one...
"Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!" -Dieter F. Uchtdorf
Basically we have to not be passive, so be actively pressing forward during our trials and also have patience (my favorite "four letter word").
During my time as a widow, 2 1/2 years, enduring to the end has seemed almost laughable. I have faced challenges, harsh criticism and more sorrow than you can even imagine and most days I just wanted to throw in the towel and call it quits. But for some reason I can't! I have this desire to endure if not for myself then for my children. I want them to see what enduring to the end is all about. It isn't always a hard thing in fact, it can be one of the most beautiful learning experiences, if we allow it to be. It can even seem almost easy when we continue "working, hoping and exercising faith". I know we weren't sent here to this earth to fail, even when we feel like all is lost. So keep your chin up, your feet on solid ground and always a prayer in your heart and remember to "Endure to the End!"
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Mama Bear
I need to blog about this or else I am going to explode and people...it isn't going to be pretty!!! ha ha So...Ben has a really sweet friend. I am so impressed with this little boy's family. His Mom is so sweet, his Dad is a hard worker and they have the same standards that we do. They aren't a part of our church, which doesn't matter to me, but because they have such high standards I assumed they were. These people have been there to help since we moved here. Well there is a little girl in his class that doesn't like this little boy and goes out of her way to harass him. That isn't my biggest problem, my issue is that this little girl's Mom is also harassing a 7yr old little boy!!!!
This Mom helps out at the school, she helps in the classroom and out in the playground during lunch time. Since her daughter has decided she doesn't like Ben's friend there has been so much going on with this Mom. She yells at the little boy, knocked down his sand castle, tells the kids on the playground not to play with him because he is a bad boy, yells at other kids who don't listen to her and play with him anyways (my son included), blocks this boy's Mom's car in at the school and yells and harasses her. Once after yelling at the boy during lunch time she went in the class right after lunch to help out and he was so scared by her he wet himself. I am sorry but this is as 7yr old little boy how in the world is any of this OK?
You are probably wondering what the parents have done to stop this right? As I said before his Mom is so sweet and timid and she takes the harassment. She did talk to the Principal and the school says they have sent this woman emails and have done all they can do. I am sorry but I send my kids to school to learn and be protected from psychos like this. This is absolutely unacceptable behavior from a school that says they don't allow bullying to happen. This is a grown adult bullying a 7yr old and it needs to stop...period.
This lady should be glad that she hasn't come across me (I volunteer at the school as well) because Mama Bear would come out and she won't like what I have to say. This little boy and the other kids she has yelled at and intimidated aren't my cubs but they are children that need to be protecting. Some of you may think that I am hearing just one side of the story,from my friend,but I do have another source...my son. The next time he comes home and tells me that he got yelled at by this woman I am marching myself down to that school and there will be hell to pay.
I wish that schools didn't cater to the people with money and actually put their foot down and protect these kids.
This isn't the most up-beat, positive post but this is something that is weighing heavily on my heart. I guess what I can do is keep praying for this little boy and his family and be there to support them. I hope that all of you will remember that no matter the differences that we have in the world we were commanded to " Love they neighbor as thyself" and if we can't do this then what good are we teaching our children and doing in the world?
This Mom helps out at the school, she helps in the classroom and out in the playground during lunch time. Since her daughter has decided she doesn't like Ben's friend there has been so much going on with this Mom. She yells at the little boy, knocked down his sand castle, tells the kids on the playground not to play with him because he is a bad boy, yells at other kids who don't listen to her and play with him anyways (my son included), blocks this boy's Mom's car in at the school and yells and harasses her. Once after yelling at the boy during lunch time she went in the class right after lunch to help out and he was so scared by her he wet himself. I am sorry but this is as 7yr old little boy how in the world is any of this OK?
You are probably wondering what the parents have done to stop this right? As I said before his Mom is so sweet and timid and she takes the harassment. She did talk to the Principal and the school says they have sent this woman emails and have done all they can do. I am sorry but I send my kids to school to learn and be protected from psychos like this. This is absolutely unacceptable behavior from a school that says they don't allow bullying to happen. This is a grown adult bullying a 7yr old and it needs to stop...period.
This lady should be glad that she hasn't come across me (I volunteer at the school as well) because Mama Bear would come out and she won't like what I have to say. This little boy and the other kids she has yelled at and intimidated aren't my cubs but they are children that need to be protecting. Some of you may think that I am hearing just one side of the story,from my friend,but I do have another source...my son. The next time he comes home and tells me that he got yelled at by this woman I am marching myself down to that school and there will be hell to pay.
I wish that schools didn't cater to the people with money and actually put their foot down and protect these kids.
This isn't the most up-beat, positive post but this is something that is weighing heavily on my heart. I guess what I can do is keep praying for this little boy and his family and be there to support them. I hope that all of you will remember that no matter the differences that we have in the world we were commanded to " Love they neighbor as thyself" and if we can't do this then what good are we teaching our children and doing in the world?
Monday, January 30, 2012
Listen
It seems like there are so many people losing loved ones or maybe since I have lost the love of my life I seem to notice it more now. When you lose someone several things can happen...people can become awkward because they don't know what to say, people say too much without thinking how tactless they are or people you know and love ignore you because they are caught up in their own grief. These things happen because (in my opinion) people avoid talking about grief and death because they think it is taboo...if they acknowledge it it may happen to them. I came across this great poem while at my support group and it is so perfect that I want to share it with the world, so I hope you enjoy it!!
Listen
By: Fran Morgan
If I am pained and come to you,
Before you speak, consider twice.
"Shoulds" and platitudes won't do
I want your ear, not your advice.
Just listen, friend, and try to hear
Beyond my words...(the stuff I hide)
The outward rage is Oh! so mere
Compared to all the hurt inside.
If you would only say to me,
"That must have been so hard for you."
Instead of tossing off a line like,
"Here's the thing that I would do..."
Tune in to how I feel, my friend,
And hear beyond the words I say.
At times my words may not describe
Emotions deep, held down at bay.
These deeper feelings kept within
Are journeys words can't take you to
But travel past the things you hear,
Don't say, "Don't let it bother you"
Please try to listen with your heart
Don't seize this chance to criticize,
Or preach to me, or even start
With trite cliches that sermonize.
If you've not walked my lonely road
(I hope you never will, my friend)
Don't try to be my therapist
Or say it's time my grief should end.
Listen! Listen! Be a friend!
Command compassion to your ears
To sift the weight of words I say
And hear unspoken tears and fears
Most times your silence suits me fine,
Or weep with me, that's soothing, too.
To heal this broken heart of mine,
Just LISTEN when I talk to you.
This poem got me thinking about the people that I need to listen a little better too. It really can apply to anytime in life. I remember being told growing up that our Father in Heaven gave us two ears and one mouth, so obviously the ears are doubly important. I hope this poem is something you can carry with you and put to good use.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Why I Do What I Do
This post has been a long time coming...apparently it has been well over a year since I have lost posted something. Not that I haven't had anything to say but I have been busy adjusting to moving yet again and to life here in Utah...yes I said Utah. Yes I have moved 3 different times since Clint passed away 2 years ago, it has been very hard to find my place in this world without him. We have been in Utah for a year now and do love it here though I really miss my family. Anyways back to the post at hand...
I have been very observant lately of "grown up" who have come from single parent families and how much I hope and pray my kids don't turn out like some the people I have seen. Some people may not agree with my parenting but I am just carrying on with what Clint and I decided. Here are a few things that we work on in our house...
1. Take Responsibility- I have seen so many people in this world try to blame others for their circumstances and in all actuality everything that "happens to them" is their responsibility. So if my kids spill their milk they need to take responsibility for it and clean it up...Alizabeth tried to tell me that her cereal bowl spilled itself and tried to get out of cleaning it up but after a quick chat she realized that it was her fault and dealt with it. Sometimes we just have to suck it up and face the consequences to our actions.
2. Show Respect- this is one thing that drives me up the wall. Yes you have your opinion and you are entitled to your opinion but say it in a way that still shows respect to the person you are talking to. It seems to me that more and more people are disrespectful which causes so many problems. I think I say this at least 20 times a day "please be more respectful to your brother/sister". Respect is something that will be help them get ahead in this world.
3. Chores Without Pay- yeah ok so people need a work ethic right? So how are kids supposed to know how to work if they don't get any work. I know a lady who grew up with a house keeper and now as a grown woman hates that fact because she doesn't know how to keep a house. Why without pay? Well do I get paid to clean the house? Nope, not a cent. Everyone dirties the house so everyone can pitch in and get it clean...it helps my kids learn how to be a team player.
4. Serve Others- Clint was very much into service. His dream was to be able to help people that couldn't afford Christmas presents, school clothes, or anything else that they may be struggling with. So we started early and got our kids into the habit of helping others. Their most favorite thing to do is make goodies and drop them off to people. It may seem like a small thing but it is the fact that they are learning to give. Clint always said "when your troubles are too hard to shoulder on your own, serve others and they will feel lighter". I am also trying to teach them that serving others doesn't just have to happen outside of the home, if you can serve your siblings you can serve anybody.
5. Be an Example- I am pretty sure that I tell this to my kids every day as they walk out the door. I don't think it matters what religion you belong to, but you should always strive to be the best so that people will want to be like you. I remember the people growing up that have been examples to me and still to this day I want to do things to be like them and bring pride to their memories.
Some days it feels like trying to get my kids to accomplish these things may never happen because it is 4 against 1 but I hope that Clint is on the other side pushing them right along. I think if I can get them to master at least one of these things they will make a contribution to the world and make it a little brighter and we will see a ripple effect from it...them touching one person's life who touches another person and so on...I hope that maybe, just maybe if I happen to stay single all the rest of my life that people can look at my kids and say "Wow, they don't fit the "single parent home" mold". I know we have a ways to go but I have to keep telling myself it will be worth doing what I do!!
I have been very observant lately of "grown up" who have come from single parent families and how much I hope and pray my kids don't turn out like some the people I have seen. Some people may not agree with my parenting but I am just carrying on with what Clint and I decided. Here are a few things that we work on in our house...
1. Take Responsibility- I have seen so many people in this world try to blame others for their circumstances and in all actuality everything that "happens to them" is their responsibility. So if my kids spill their milk they need to take responsibility for it and clean it up...Alizabeth tried to tell me that her cereal bowl spilled itself and tried to get out of cleaning it up but after a quick chat she realized that it was her fault and dealt with it. Sometimes we just have to suck it up and face the consequences to our actions.
2. Show Respect- this is one thing that drives me up the wall. Yes you have your opinion and you are entitled to your opinion but say it in a way that still shows respect to the person you are talking to. It seems to me that more and more people are disrespectful which causes so many problems. I think I say this at least 20 times a day "please be more respectful to your brother/sister". Respect is something that will be help them get ahead in this world.
3. Chores Without Pay- yeah ok so people need a work ethic right? So how are kids supposed to know how to work if they don't get any work. I know a lady who grew up with a house keeper and now as a grown woman hates that fact because she doesn't know how to keep a house. Why without pay? Well do I get paid to clean the house? Nope, not a cent. Everyone dirties the house so everyone can pitch in and get it clean...it helps my kids learn how to be a team player.
4. Serve Others- Clint was very much into service. His dream was to be able to help people that couldn't afford Christmas presents, school clothes, or anything else that they may be struggling with. So we started early and got our kids into the habit of helping others. Their most favorite thing to do is make goodies and drop them off to people. It may seem like a small thing but it is the fact that they are learning to give. Clint always said "when your troubles are too hard to shoulder on your own, serve others and they will feel lighter". I am also trying to teach them that serving others doesn't just have to happen outside of the home, if you can serve your siblings you can serve anybody.
5. Be an Example- I am pretty sure that I tell this to my kids every day as they walk out the door. I don't think it matters what religion you belong to, but you should always strive to be the best so that people will want to be like you. I remember the people growing up that have been examples to me and still to this day I want to do things to be like them and bring pride to their memories.
Some days it feels like trying to get my kids to accomplish these things may never happen because it is 4 against 1 but I hope that Clint is on the other side pushing them right along. I think if I can get them to master at least one of these things they will make a contribution to the world and make it a little brighter and we will see a ripple effect from it...them touching one person's life who touches another person and so on...I hope that maybe, just maybe if I happen to stay single all the rest of my life that people can look at my kids and say "Wow, they don't fit the "single parent home" mold". I know we have a ways to go but I have to keep telling myself it will be worth doing what I do!!
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