On the road again...

One of the firsts that was really hard happened January 11th...Clint's birthday...he would've turned 29. So what did I decide to do? Take a trip to AZ!!!! This was definitely going to be an adventure because it was going to be me, the kids and my sister Valerie...ABSOLUTELY NO MAN AROUND TO HELP!! When we moved we had Joy's husband Clint so I was pretty nervous about driving 18+ hours. We left the night before Clint's birthday about 9pm or so A LOT later than I was planning. We made sure before we left that we had stuff to keep the kids busy except that our dvd players were broken so this was going to be interesting.

So we were on the road and we drove for a while and the kids eventually fell asleep and I decided to make a pit stop...RFC lives on my way out to AZ so I stopped for 20min to say hi. Yeah that was the night that he was acting all weird, anyways, we talked for a while and I showed him something cool that I was making and asked him if he finally wanted to meet my sis. They used to tease each other all the time so I thought it was time for a formal introduction. He said sure and we walked out to the car and they finally met. Then I decided that it was time to get back on the road and he told me to drive safe and keep him updated on my trip and we were off again. I got to SLC and was doing pretty good and so we decided that Val would sleep and I would wake her when it was time to switch and we just kept on trucking. Finally I couldn't go anymore and slept just about as good as a paranoid passenger can (she is a good driver but I just can't help it, I did it to Clint too) off and on just to make sure the driver is still driving safely. Hey at least I don't stomp on the imaginary passenger side break pedal right!?!

We eventually switched back and some time later A LOT later we made it past the AZ line. The sun was coming up and I was in awe of the morning desert beauty. There is no way to describe it...the canyons, the smell of the air, the beautiful colors of the sun reflecting everywhere, the breath taking sunrise and a complete stillness in the air, it made my heart long to be back in AZ. The problem was the time kept on chugging along and it seemed like we were never going to get there and the poor kids were getting restless. Finally around 4pm we pulled into the Gila Valley and the most beautiful sight on the whole trip was the Gila Valley Temple. That Temple has a special place in my heart and just seeing it brought me to tears. Clint's company got to work on the Stake Center next door and he was just so happy about that Temple. We were supposed to go every week once it was finished but that goal wasn't meant to be. It was amazing to see the transformation of that beautiful building in just 2 short months. It also signified that we were home but that feeling didn't last too long...

We got to my mom's house and snuck in to give her the surprise of her life and she was soo happy to see us. My mom has always been a HUGE part of my kid's life she is definitely a rock for them and they can feel her unconditional love so it has been hard on her and the kids for us to be so far away. The boys practically threw themselves into her arms but Alizabeth was a little shy, it took her a few hours to remember grandma but once she did she was her grandmas little shadow again and rightfully claimed her spot on grandma's lap. We rested for a while and I got a little restless, it was Clint's birthday and he wasn't here to celebrate, so I asked my mom to watch the kids so I could go check out my house that went through a make-over after I moved. I wasn't sure if I was ready to go in there so I drove around our neighborhood for a while and I felt like an outsider, I got the overwhelming feeling that we just didn't belong there anymore. I finally got the courage up and went to my house but I wasn't prepared for what I felt next...

I stepped in the house and it was like I got hit by a brick wall...every single memory of the past 8 years came flooding back to me. The ones that were the most intense were from the last 2 years when it all started. I looked around at everything in the living room, kitchen, first bedroom...I took it all in the new clean carpet, the smell and look of the new paint job it was beautiful but it wasn't my home. I started to go to my bedroom and I couldn't get myself to walk in instead I ran out of the house sobbing. It was all so overwhelming and I couldn't believe how much changed without my permission...mom's house catching fire, Clint passing, me moving, mom's new house, my new life. I felt myself sinking into a pit of despair and I didn't know where to go or what to do. I shield my mom from bad things because they hurt her twice as much because she loves me so much so I drove to a "family" members house...Lacie and Eli. I hoped and prayed they were awake and thankfully they were I can't remember if I cried when I saw them but I am sure I did. I sat there with them for hours talking, crying and talking some more and they helped me so much. I left there feeling better about all the changes and realized again that since the Lord told me to move to Idaho there must be a reason and it is ok...things change, people change and that is how it is supposed to be.

The next day I went to my favorite home decor store there and bought some flowers for Clint's grave and finally went to see his finished headstone. It is unique, beautiful and totally us...it is beyond perfect. I just sat there with him talking and working out emotions and came away with the feeling that the choices I have made so far have been perfect and he has complete faith in me to raise our kids the way we wanted them raised. I was finally able to enjoy myself and looked forward to spending time with my mom and the rest of my friends and family that I had there. We went to Trevor and Marci's house the night before I left for a BBQ and it was fun, nothing changed the people at the BBQ loved me before and still loved me. It was hard to leave the next morning but I knew we didn't belong in the Gila Valley anymore we belong in Idaho now. We said our goodbyes and on our way home. This adventure taught me several things: the Lord knows our life and we need to trust in him completely, change is hard but will eventually be seen as a good thing, even though you don't live near them the people that love you will always love you, you need to give yourself more credit because you are strong enough to make the choices now and have faith things will turn out the way they are supposed to!!!!