This post is out of order but I have had a lot of self doubt lately and it just needs to be talked about, it may just be a theraputic thing for me but maybe you can learn something from it too. You know how things are moving right along in life and then all of a sudden you start hearing things in your head? Things like: what the heck are you doing? Are you sure you made the right choice? What if it doesn't work out? What the heck is that all about? Why do we have to experience the self doubt?
Not long after he passed away I realized that I have to be the one to make the decisions now and it really scared me. He was the one I looked to for guidance and assistance in decisions, it seemed like he always knew the right thing to do or say. How was I supposed to be the one? I know that this was supposed to happen, that we chose this path before we came to earth. I just wonder why we chose him to leave. This has crossed my mind many times. He was so much smarter than me. He was well rounded...he knew pretty much everything and could do anything he set his mind to, our kids would've learned so much more from him. People liked him a lot more than they like me, he is so comfortable in carrying on conversations with strangers and I am not so I get labeled stuck-up or cold. I can only think of one person that didn't like him and that guys is a jerk anyways. He was an amazing athlete and I am ok but once again he could teach them skills that I can't. Overall he is the most amazing and talented person I know and would be better suited to raise these kids.
So why did my kids get stuck with me? What are they possibly going to learn from me? The only thing I have to offer them is a musical ability and maybe how to get good deals at stores. This has been my biggest self doubt factor: am I good enough to raise these children? Sadly I don't know why we chose him to go first and leave me with the kids but it has happened. Sometimes we have to experience the trials and self doubts to help us grow and become better people. Our Father in Heaven knows our weaknesses and doesn't give us more than we can handle. It may seem at times that we can't do or go anymore but it seems at the last second we get a heavenly push and it keeps us going forward. It doesn't help stop the self doubts from coming but that knowledge should help us over come them. I know that over coming self doubt probably isn't classified as an adventure but it is something that as a widow I will have to experience quite a bit. The only thing I can do is to keep doing what I have been doing and hope and pray everything works out the way it is supposed to.
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April, it's like you've written everything that was in my head right after Joe died. I still am really uncomfortable making decisions because I'm afraid to make a wrong one, or one that he wouldn't have made. I remember thinking, why did he have to go, he was the one everyone liked. That became even more apparent as I stayed in my ward for 1 1/2 years after he died. People I used to hang out with never called, never invited me to anything...I got pity hellos at church. I figured they didn't like me, but later realized that they were uncomfortable and just didn't know how to act or what to say to me.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing I have learned throughout my 4 years, the Lord strengthens you in your weaknesses. His strengths were my weaknesses and vice versa. We complemented each other. After he died it was like the Lord was pushing me to make those weaknesses strengths. As I look back, things that I was terrible at before, I do really well now. The Lord puts you in situations to help you grow. I was so dependent on him for everything...through this I know I am a strong, independent woman now. I wouldn't be who I am now without losing him.
I feel like Melissa is missing out on so much not having him here. He could have taught her so much, and she is stuck with me. As I've watched her grow, I've realized that she was handpicked to be in this situation and the Lord is strengthening her in ways that parents can't. I love knowing the plan and what is expected of us, especially as parents.
You are doing well April...again I am so glad you are writing this down...it makes me think back upon the last 4 years and reflect on what I've learned and experienced.
Doubt is normal, don't worry. And I know you'll do great with the kids. If you ever don't know what to do just ask yourself what Clinton would've done. I often wonder if moving to Missouri was the right thing to do, but I know it's what was supposed to happen so it'll all work out in the end, as it will for you.
ReplyDeletelove
robin